She had no fear of him, as he began to undress, and he slipped into the bed and took off the rest, as did she. Their clothes lay in a small heap on the floor as he began to explore her, aching with desire for her. Neither of them had ever felt this way before. It was a time of discovery, and trust, neither of them quite sure what to expect, yet both of them certain they wanted to be here, needed to be with each other. It was a road they had to travel, side by side, to move on to their new life together.
He kissed her everywhere, as she trembled beneath his hands, and began to look slowly for him. She found what she was seeking, and her eyes widened in surprise. No one had ever prepared her for this. She had no idea what to do, but nature took over gradually, and he knew instinctively what to do for her. She was startled when he entered her, and he was careful with her, despite his mounting desire, which was harder to control with each moment. He knew it would be painful for her, and it was at first, but he restrained himself for as long as he could, and then he couldn't stand holding back anymore. He came, shuddering violently, calling her name, and she held him tightly to her as she moaned in a strange mixture of pain and pleasure that seemed to transport her. He caressed her afterward, and looked down at her, there were tears in her eyes, but they were for the new life they shared, the sorrows they had left behind, the tie that would hold them together now for the rest of their lives. She knew that she could never leave him now, nor he her. They had come far for this, and he kissed her lips and her hair and her eyes, and then just lay there with her and held her tight. And when finally he could bear to be parted from her, he looked at her, in awe of the beauty that had been hidden so carefully in the ugly habit.
“You're so beautiful…” He had never dreamt it would be anything like that, and he wanted her again, but he was afraid to hurt her. But as he kissed her passionately once more, she wanted him too, and it was different for her this time. They lay wrapped in ecstasy, lost in each other's gifts for what seemed like an eternity, and then afterward, he took her into the bathroom with him, and they took a shower. She was surprised at how easy they were with each other despite their lack of experience, and their natural shyness. She stood in the shower with him, the water running down on them, washing them clean, as they kissed again, and she smiled. It was obvious to both of them what they had to do now, what they would do after this. The die had been cast. And they no longer had any doubts about the future.
They changed the bed together, and put the sheets and towels through the washing machine, and then they walked back into the living room to wait for them to dry and sat on the couch again, discussing what they were going to do about their lives now.
“We can't do this forever, sweetheart,” he said practically, and they both knew that afternoon had changed their lives forever. She couldn't even imagine what she'd say to Mother Gregoria eventually. She couldn't begin to think about that now. All she could think about was him, and what they'd done that afternoon. She knew that she was his now for the rest of her life, whatever their future brought them.
It would be hard to be satisfied with a walk in the park, or a quick kiss in the confessional, after all they had shared here.
“We can do whatever we have to, for a while,”Gabriella said, worried about him. He had so much on his mind.
“Could you live in abject poverty?” he asked, looking worried. He knew she never had before, and it troubled him. She had lived without luxuries in her convent days, but all her needs had been met, and she had total security. If he married her, he knew they might have to starve for a while, or close to it.
“I can work too, you know.” She had a college degree, she could teach, or work for a magazine. She could always try to write and sell her stories. She had no idea how much money she'd make at it, but Mother Gregoria and the other nuns had always wanted her to try and sell them.
“I can get a job teaching school,” he said nervously. St. Stephen's paid him a salary, but if he left the church, none of the skills he needed there would be of any use to him outside. He had never before had to worry about making a living.
“You can do a lot of things,” she said reassuringly, “if that's what you want.” She didn't want him to feel he'd been pushed out of the priesthood. He had to walk out because he wanted to, otherwise he might hate her for the rest of his life, particularly if their road got rocky. And she knew it would for a time. It was a huge adjustment.
“You know I want to be with you more than anything in the world,” he said, kissing her again, transported again by the emotions of the past two hours. He was glad now that there had never been anyone else. He had never realized how much it would mean to him to have saved himself for her. And what they lacked in experience, they made up for amply in passion.
“I'd better go back,” she said with regret finally. It was hard to believe she still had to go back to the convent, but Joe still had a lot to work out in his own mind. They had agreed to wait for a while, to give him time to sort things out, but they had both made their decisions. It was just a question of time now. But they both knew they couldn't continue the charade indefinitely, and to Gabriella, at least, that part of it seemed very wrong. They had to admit it now, confess their sins, and eventually move on toward their future. If they were going to be together, she didn't want to lie to Mother Gregoria for a long time.
She adjusted her dress carefully again, and he took her in his arms one last time before they left the apartment together. “I'm going to miss you terribly,” he said in a voice still gruff with passion. “I'll remember this day for the rest of time.”‘
“So will I,” she whispered, her love for him mixed with the guilt she felt for the women she had betrayed when she gave herself to him. But in her heart, she already felt married to him.
They left the apartment, and he walked her slowly back to the car, and watched her put her coif on. She was a postulant again, a nun in the eyes of the world. But as he looked at her, he knew better. He remembered every inch of her, all the sheer, raw beauty of her, and their passion for each other as he leaned down and kissed her.
“Take good care of yourself,” he said gently to her. “I'll see you tomorrow morning.” He heard confessions and said Mass every day now. It wasn't much for them to share, but it was all they had beyond the world of their borrowed apartment.
“I love you,” she said, and they kissed again, and then with a heavy heart, she drove away. She hated to leave him. And it was even more depressing when she got back to the convent. She wanted so desperately to be with him, and seeing the nuns around her everywhere reminded her of what she'd done, and how far behind she'd left them. And yet, she still had to be here. Until they decided what to do about it, she had nowhere else to go, and neither did Joe. They had a lot of practical issues to work out before they made any kind of announcement. And she still wanted Joe to be sure about his decision to leave the priesthood. But she also knew that if he left her now, she had no doubt whatsoever in her mind that it would kill her.
She lay awake in her bed for hours that night, and several of the postulants had noticed that she scarcely spoke at dinner. She seemed lost in her own thoughts, and the Sister in charge of them that week was worried that she might be getting sick. In fact, the next morning she urged Gabbie to go see the doctor. She looked tired and pale, but she insisted that she was fine, and as usual went to both Mass and confession.
Joe was waiting in the confessional for her, and he opened the grille immediately to kiss her.
“Are you all right?” he asked, sounding worried. He had been anxious about her all night, as well as hungry for her. She had awakened an insatiable appetite, and after he'd gone back to the apartment to clean up, it had seemed so empty without her. “No regrets?” He held his breath as he waited for her answer.
“Of course not. It was so sad coming back here yesterday. I was so lonely without you.”
“So was I.” He wanted to go back to the apartment with her again, but she had no idea when she could do that.
They met in the empty office at noon instead, and for once they both seemed very nervous. They had been lucky here so far, but Gabriella was beginning to worry that one of these days someone might see them.
She worked in the garden for the rest of the afternoon, thinking of him, and longing to be with him. She even took the chance of calling him from Mother Gregoria's office. They had a quick chat, and were careful not to reveal their names or their secret. But they both knew the risks were high and the stakes were mounting. They would have to make a clean breast of it soon, but Joe still hadn't decided when to do it.
She managed to meet him in the apartment again one more time before Mother Gregoria came back, but this time she couldn't stay away for as long, and they were both still hungry for each other when she left. The time they spent in bed in each other's arms seemed much too short, their hours together, infinitely precious.
And when Mother Gregoria returned from Lake George, she was worried by what she saw. Gabriella seemed far too quiet to her, and there was something in the young postulant's eyes that concerned her. She had known her for a long time, and she knew instinctively that Gabriella was deeply troubled about something. She tried to talk to her about it the night she came back, but Gabriella insisted that it was nothing. She perked up a bit the next afternoon after she'd written to Joe in her journal, but she was lonely for him all the time now, and she felt that she no longer belonged at the convent.
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