I pictured Diane at the diner, clearly miserable, but trying to pretend that everything was fine.

"And now anytime you see her she's so happy to be in the Club and to have girlfriends. She's really surprised me."

Tracy wasn't the only person Diane had surprised. I still couldn't believe that she risked her standing with Braddock to help the Club, or that she stood up to Todd tonight... or to Missy after the article came out.

I felt my chest restrict and my eyes were starting to burn. "Those things didn't happen because of me. I can't take responsibility for them."

Tracy got up and took my hands. "You were the one to open our eyes. You re the one that's the strongest of us all."

My bottom lip started to quiver. "Yeah, I'm so strong."

"Stop it, Penny. Don't sell yourself short. You're the leader of the group because everybody respects you, because you're there for people, and because you're one of the greatest people I've ever known. I'm so happy to have you as my best friend. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Tracy hugged me, and I held her tightly.

"Plus," she continued, "everybody is pretty much scared of me when they first meet me and Diane comes off as Little Miss Perfect, so I guess you were the lesser of three evils."

I let go of my grasp as Tracy started to laugh, "Sorry, you know I can't help it. this is exactly why we all need you so much!"

I sat back down on my bed and realized how tired I was. Tracy lay down on her mattress and threw the covers over herself. "Enough drama for today. I'm out."

I turned off the lamp on my nightstand and pulled my duvet cover over me. Laughter came from below.

"What is it?"

Tracy giggled. "I just wish we could see Todd tomorrow morning. He is going to be so sick. Let's hope he got sick on Missy! I'd pay to see that!"

I laughed for a second before I thought of Ryan. I had to figure out a way to make everything right between the two of us — again.

How was it that I could be part of a big group of girls, but couldn't seem to stop causing problems with one guy?

I winced as I remembered the look on his face.

I closed my eyes and pushed the thought away. I would deal with that tomorrow. Tonight I was going to enjoy the success of the evening. It was a great night, except for Todd yelling at me and me yelling at Ryan.

As I lay awake in the dark, I tried to visualize all the good things that happened tonight — Jen raising all the money for the team, Kara's killer rendition of "I Will Survive," Diane and Tracy joining me in my song…

But each time I started to feel happy, Ryan's hurt face popped into my head.

"Ow!" I exclaimed as I hit my head a little too hard, hoping that I could shake the thought loose.

"Penny," Tracy said groggily, "are you okay?"

No, no I'm not.

"Yes, I'm fine. Good night."

I really had to stop lying to my best friend.

And myself.

Chapter Thirty-five

THE CLOCK WASN'T MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I had been pacing in front of my locker for what seemed liked an eternity. Granted, I was at school a lot earlier than normal. I had asked my mom to drop me off this morning so I could be this early. My stomach tightened up — Ryan would be here any minute.

He rounded the corner and took off his wool hat, making his hair a mess. He started to run his fingers through it to calm it, then looked up and saw me. He stopped for a second and then looked down as he approached his locker.

"Hey…" I said to him.

He just nodded as he took off his puffy black winter coat.

I knew I deserved that.

"Ryan, I am really, really sorry about what I said. You know I didn't mean it"

He put his backpack in his locker and started to take out his books. I wondered how long it would be before he looked at me again.

"I know you didn't mean it," he said in a low voice, still not making eye contact. "The problem is you said it because you knew it would hurt me. Well, mission accomplished." He shook his head. "Out of everybody at the school, I thought you would be the last person to stoop so low."

He slammed his locker shut and started to walk away. He paused and turned to me, "You know what I've been doing every morning for the last few weeks? I drive to school wondering which Penny I'm going to see at my locker today. Will it be the sweet, warm, and funny Penny or the cold and distant Penny? I practically hold my breath to see how you're going to react to me and then try to figure out what I did to deserve your behavior. That's why I didn't talk to you for those couple of weeks. I was hurt."

I stared at him. I couldn't deny what he was saying. I knew that I'd been erratic around him, and I couldn't tell him the real reason why.

He shook his head. "I just never know where I stand with you." He began to walk away.

"Wait." I ran to get in front of him. "I know what I said is unforgivable — I really am so sorry. So much has happened the last couple months and, yes, I've taken some stuff out on you."

"Why?" He looked at me intensely.

"I…" I reached in my bag. "I… I wanted to give you this."

I held out my hand and gave Ryan the only thing I could think of to let him know how I really felt.

He reached out and examined the CD case. He opened it up and his expression changed as his finger traced the songs. "You made me this?" He looked up at me.

"Yes."

He studied the inside and read the inscription aloud. "From me to you..."

"It's from one of the songs — this one." I took the case and pointed out one of the tracks. I didn't dare write the entire lyrics out — it would just say too much. He'd have to listen to it to understand everything.

He kept studying the case.

"I know it seems silly, but it's the only thing I could think of." I started to feel the desperation in my voice and the tears starting to form. Everything in my life, except the Club, seemed to be crashing around me — the stares from the guys at school, Todd, yelling at me, Principal Braddock being on my case — I just couldn't handle it if Ryan hated me, too.

Ryan heard my voice crack and looked up again. "I love it. Thank you."

"It's just a stupid CD." I walked over to the wall, trying to control the tears that had now started trickling down my face. What was I thinking? That a Beatles mix would make everything better? If only he knew what these songs meant to me. This wasn't just a mix CD, it was my heart and soul. I was giving it to him, I was letting him in. I just wished he could see that.

Ryan walked over and leaned in, knowing that in doing so he was blocking my tears from the flood of students now entering the hall. His closeness gave me a sense of comfort rather than unease.

"Penny, this means so much, coming from you. Please don't be upset." He placed his hand around my neck and leaned in farther so his chin was resting on my forehead.

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" I tried to calm myself down. "It's been a long few weeks."

He held on. "Yes, it has."

More tears ran down my face. I tried to compose myself as the hallways filled. "Great. All I need is more rumors about me. I'm getting so sick of people talking behind my back, and I'm sure this will just give them more fodder."

He bent down and wiped my tears away with his hand. I looked into his blue eyes and wished all the obstacles would just go away.

"You know, you being nice and all isn't helping," I said to him.

Ryan stared at me intensely for a few seconds before a smile crept over his face.

"Okay, stop your blubbering, woman. You're being a big tear whore."

"What?" I screamed in surprise. I couldn't help but laugh. "What the hell was that?"

He shrugged. "Well, you needed a good laugh."

"Yeah, but 'tear whore'?"

"I was under pressure — it was all I could think of."

He leaned in one last time to wipe the tears from my face. He smiled warmly at me. "All better?"

As I nodded, something caught my eye in the hallway. I saw Tracy staring at us with her mouth open. She walked away quickly when she knew she'd been spotted.

"Look, we've got two weeks left before break. Let's make a pact to not let anything get in the way of our... friendship again!" he said to me.

I smiled at him. "That would be great."

Crap.

"All right, let's get back to our lockers before we're late for first period." He put his arm around me and led me to my locker. A wave of relief started to come over me as I grabbed my books. I had completely forgotten that my first class was Spanish with Todd.

Crap. Or, more appropriately, caca.

There was no way I was going to pass Spanish. I kept copying everything Senora Coles was writing on the blackboard, but I couldn't concentrate. Todd, came in a few minutes late to class with a pass, and I was too scared to look over at him.

"All right, just a reminder that your final is next Thursday. That's it for today. Now it's time for your conversations. En Espanol, por favor" Senora Coles said to the class as she walked to her desk in the back of the room.

I turned around to face Todd, and found him staring at my wrist. I wore a long-sleeved sweater to cover up the bruise, but you could still see some of the brown and blue. I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn't think of what to say.

Todd said something, but his voice was so low, I couldn't hear him.

"Que?" I asked.