“I could see it wasn't going well when you arrived,” Jeff said as they put the leftover food back in his basket. He had bought it at the flea market in Paris, and it was very old.

“I don't know why I stay with him. He was such a jerk about the house yesterday, that I was thinking about ending it last night. And then I got home, and he was cooking dinner, cleaned the house, gave me two dozen roses, and apologized. He's never done any of that before. It's hard to end it when he does things like that.”

“Maybe he sensed you were fed up. Some people have remarkable survival instincts in relationships. Maybe that was more about him than about you. He probably isn't ready to give you up, either. Sounds like a panic move to me.” She smiled at the male assessment.

“Damned if I know. I'd rather he had been nice about the house than buy me roses. He said a lot of really ugly stuff. I feel like such a wimp for staying in it.”

“You'll give it up when you're ready, if it's the right thing to do. You'll know,” he said wisely.

“What makes you so smart about these things?” she asked him, and he smiled.

“I'm older than you are, and I've been there before. But I'm no smarter or braver than you are. Marie-Louise called this morning.” He didn't tell Sarah about his lie about her, only about the rest. “All she did was bitch about coming back, and tell me how much she hates it here. I get tired of hearing it, too. If she hates it so much here, maybe she should just stay there. She will one of these days anyway. I know it.” It was the second time he had said it and he sounded depressed. She was always threatening never to come back.

“Then why do you stay in it?” Sarah wanted to know. Maybe it would teach her something about herself.

“It's hard to give up fourteen years, and admit you might have been wrong. And I'm never sure if I am.”

“It's hard enough to give up four,” she admitted.

“Try adding ten onto that. It only gets worse, the longer you hang in.”

“I thought it was supposed to get better if you stuck it out.”

“That only works if it's the right person.”

“How the hell do you ever know, Jeff?”

“I don't know. My life would be a lot simpler if I did. I ask myself a lot of questions, too. Maybe it's never an easy fit between two people. That's what I tell myself.”

“So do I. I make a lot of excuses for his shit behavior.”

“Don't. At least see it for what it is.” She nodded, thinking about what he'd said, and she was looking out at the garden from the living room, when she felt Jeff standing close to her, and she turned to face him. He was taller than she was, and her face was turned up to him as their eyes met and held. His lips found hers effortlessly, their arms were wrapped around each other, and the kiss seemed to last forever. She had forgotten what that could feel like, and so had he. This wasn't difficult. It was easy. But it was also new, and forbidden fruit. They were both committed to other people, however difficult it was with them.

“I think that was a mistake,” she said softly afterward. She felt guilty, but not very. She liked Jeff a lot. He was a hell of a lot nicer than Phil.

“I was afraid of that,” Jeff said in answer. “But I'm not so sure it was a mistake. It didn't feel like one. What do you think?”

“I don't know.” She looked confused.

“Maybe we should try again just to be sure.” As he said it, he kissed her again, and this time she pressed her body against his. He felt powerful, and she felt safe and warm in his arms. “Mistake or not?” he whispered, and this time she laughed.

“We're going to get ourselves in a hell of a mess with Phil and Marie-Louise,” she said, as he hugged her. It felt so damned good.

“Maybe it's all they deserve. It's not right to be hard on people the way they've been on us.” Jeff was tired of his problems, too.

“If that's true, then maybe we're supposed to have the guts to walk away from them,” she said sensibly. It would have been the honorable thing to do.

“Oh that,” Jeff said, smiling at her. It had turned into an exceptionally lovely afternoon, particularly in the last few minutes. “I have. Many times. So has she. We always wind up in the same place, starting over again.”

“Why?”

“Habit. Fear. Laziness. Familiarity. Ease.”

“Love?” she asked honestly. She asked herself the same question about Phil. Did she love him or not? She was no longer sure.

“Maybe. After fourteen years, sometimes it's hard to know. I think it's mostly habit with us. And work, too. It would be a mess to try and divide up the business. It's not like we sell shoes. Most of our clients buy us as a team. And with work, we're good. I like working with her.”

“That's not a good reason to stay together,” Sarah commented. “Privately anyway. Could you work together if you broke up?” She was checking it out, and so was he.

“Probably not. She'd go back to Paris anyway. Her brother is an architect, too. She always tells me she'll go to work with him. They have an important firm there.”

“Nice for her.”

“I'm not afraid to work on my own. I just don't like the mess of getting there.” Sarah nodded. She understood. But she also didn't want to be “the other woman” in his life. That would be an even bigger mess than the ones they had now. “Sometimes one has to let life unfold,” he said philosophically. “It's all about the right thing at the right time. I think when it's right, you know. I've always had a tremendous attraction to the wrong thing,” he admitted, looking sheepish. “I liked dangerous women when I was young. Or women who were hard to get along with. Marie-Louise is a bit of both.”

“I'm not,” Sarah added cautiously, and he smiled.

“I know. I love that about you. I must finally be growing up.”

“And you're not mean.” She thought about it. “Although you are unavailable. That's my specialty. You're living with another woman. I don't think this is a good idea for either of us right now. Dangerous for you. Unavailable for me. That's a no-no.” They both knew she was right, but it was very tempting, and the kisses had been sweet. But if it was right, it would wait.

“Let's see what happens,” Jeff said sensibly. They were going to be spending a lot of time together working on her house. It was going to be better for both of them if things developed over time.

“When is she coming back?” Sarah asked as they walked out the front door onto Scott Street.

“She says in a week. Probably more like two or three, or four.”

“Will she be back for Christmas?”

“I hadn't thought of that,” he said pensively as he walked her to her car. “I'm not sure. Maybe not. You never know with her. One day she just turns up, when she runs out of excuses to stay there.”

“She sounds like Phil. If she doesn't come back by then, would you like to have Christmas with my family? It's just my grandmother, my mother, and me, and probably my grandmother's boyfriend. They're very cute together.”

He laughed. “I could probably do that even if she's back. She hates holidays and refuses to celebrate them. I like Christmas a lot.”

“Me too. But I'd rather not do that if she's back. I'd feel rude not inviting her, and I don't want to. If that's okay with you.”

He kissed her gently on the lips as she got into her car. “Anything you do is okay with me, Sarah.” There was so much he liked about her. She was a woman of substance, principle, integrity, and brains, with an enormous heart. There was no better combination in his book. She had it all.

She thanked him for the lunch he'd brought, and drove away with a wave. And as she drove back to her apartment, she wondered what to do about Phil. She didn't want any decision she made to be about Jeff. It wasn't about Jeff. It was about Phil. And Jeff had Marie-Louise. She wasn't going to let herself forget that. She wasn't going to do the unavailable thing again, even in a different format this time. Jeff was a truly lovely man. But unavailable was off-limits for her. She wasn't going to allow herself to do that again. Whatever she did this time, it had to be right. Phil wasn't, from all she could see. And she didn't know yet if Jeff was.





Chapter 13


Just as they always did, Phil and Sarah celebrated Christmas with each other the night before he left for Aspen with his kids. He always left on the first Saturday of their school vacation, and stayed until just after the New Year. It left her alone for the holidays, which was hard for her, but it was the same old story. He wanted to spend the time alone with his kids. And Sarah had to fend for herself for Christmas and New Year's, which was hard. She knew she would hear a lot about it from her mother, as she always did. This was in fact the fifth Christmas she had spent without him, as their relationship had just entered its fifth year.

He took her to Gary Danko for dinner on their last night together. The food was exquisite, the wines he chose were expensive and superb. Afterward they went back to her place, exchanged gifts, and made love. He gave her a new espresso machine, because hers was getting tired, and a pretty silver bracelet from Tiffany, which she loved. It was a simple bangle that she could wear to the office, or anytime. It wasn't showy. She gave him a new briefcase he needed desperately and a great-looking blue cashmere sweater from Armani. And as always, when he left in the morning, she hated to see him go. He lingered more than usual. It was going to be two weeks before she saw him again. Two very significant weeks over the holidays. Holidays that she would once again spend alone.

“Good-bye…I love you…,” she said again as he kissed her one last time before he left. She was going to miss him terribly, as she always did, and she didn't argue with him about going this time. There was no point. The only thing different about the holidays this year was that she was going to be busy with her house.