“Are you sad about the picnic?” she asked softly, but he shook his head. It was something else. Something much more important.

“I just remembered. Now I can't do Special Olympics.” It was an event he loved, that Jack had done with him. They had “trained” for months, and Jamie usually came in last, or close to it, in whatever events he entered, but he always won a ribbon of some kind, and the whole family went to watch him.

“Why can't you?” Liz refused to be daunted. She knew how much Jack had put into it, and how much it meant to Jamie. “Maybe Peter can train with you.”

“I can't, Mom,” Peter said regretfully. “I'm going to be working from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. at the pet hospital, and I'll even have to work some weekends.” But it was great money, which was why he had agreed to do it. “I won't have time.” There was a long, long pause, as the tears continued to roll silently down Jamie's cheeks, and Liz felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest as she watched him.

“Okay, Jamie,” she said quietly, “that leaves you and me. We'll have to work on this together. We'll figure out what events you want to be in and qualify for, and we'll work our asses off, and this year,” she said, fighting back her own tears, “I think we ought to go for a gold medal.” Jamie's eyes grew wide at the words.

“Without Daddy?” Jamie looked startled as he turned to see if she meant it or was just teasing. But she wouldn't have done that to him.

“With me. How about it? Let's shoot for the stars.”

“You can't, Mom. You don't know how to do it.”

“We'll learn together. You can show me what Daddy used to do. And we'll win something, I promise.” A slow smile dawned on Jamie's face, and he reached out a hand and touched hers, without saying another word. They had solved the problem. And the summer was organized. All she had to do now was enroll the girls at camp, sign Jamie up for day camp and Special Olympics, and reserve rooms or a house for them in Tahoe for a week in August. It wasn't easy, any of it, figuring it out, meeting their needs single-handedly, living up to their expectations, trying to make up to them for what they had lost, but she was doing her best, and for the moment they were surviving.

They were all doing decent work in school, they smiled a good part of the time now, they'd had a great time skiing with her, and all she had to do now was keep them on track till they grew up, carry a double load in their law practice, and learn how to get jamie through Special Olympics, and with luck, even win a ribbon. She felt like a juggler in a circus act, as they drove home toward San Francisco, and Megan turned the radio on full blast. But it was familiar at least. Jack would have had a fit over it, and made her turn it off. But Liz didn't. She knew it was a good sign, and they needed all the good signs they could grab now. There had been damn few of them in the past three and a half months, but things were slowly beginning to look up. Liz glanced at Megan with a small smile, and as their eyes met, Liz turned the radio up even slightly louder. And as Megan watched her do it, she started to laugh, and so did her mother.

“Yeah, Mom … go for it!!!” They all laughed and shouted and started to sing with the music. It was deafening. But it was just what they needed, and Liz spoke as loud as she could in the din.

“I love you guys!” They managed to hear her despite the noise, and in unison they shouted back to the woman who had guided them over the reefs and back into safe waters, and they knew it, just as she did.

“We love you too, Mom!!!” Their ears were still ringing from the music when they got home, but they were all smiling, as they picked up their bags and walked into the house, and Liz was walking right behind them, smiling.

Carole was waiting for them at the door. “How was it?” she asked, referring to the ski trip as much as the long drive home, and Liz smiled at her with a look of peace Carole hadn't seen on her face in months.

“Terrific,” Liz said quietly, and walked up the stairs to her bedroom.





Chapter 5

The kids got out of school on the second week of June, and two weeks later, Liz and Carole were packing their bags for camp. The girls were genuinely excited and several of their friends were going too. It was nice to see them all looking so happy. The camp they were going to was near Monterey, Liz drove them down herself, and took Jamie with her for the trip.

There was a real holiday atmosphere in the car, on the way. They played a variety of CD's, all of them loud, wild, and their kind of music, rather than their mother's. But Liz didn't mind. In the last month or two, she had really enjoyed being with her children. And she had promised Jamie she'd start training with him as soon as the girls left for camp. They had another five weeks before the Special Olympics, and his sisters would be back by then. The whole family always went to the Special Olympics to cheer for Jamie. It was a tradition Jack had started three years before, and one that was important to them. But Jamie was still worried that his mother wouldn't know how to do it with him.

They dropped the girls off at camp between Monterey and Carmel, and Liz helped carry their sleeping bags, tennis rackets, one guitar, two trunks, and a mountain of duffel bags and tote bags to their cabins. It looked like enough gear for an invading army. And they scarcely remembered to kiss her and Jamie good-bye before they ran off to meet their counselors, and find their friends.

“Maybe you'll go to camp one day,” Liz said to Jamie as they drove away.

“I don't want to,” he said matter-of-factly. “I like being home with you.” He looked up at her as he said it, and she smiled at him as they got back on the freeway. It took them three hours to get back to Tiburon, and when they arrived, Peter had just come home from work. He had started the week before, and was loving it, despite the long hours. It was exactly what he wanted. And there were two other high school kids working there that summer too, one of them a very pretty girl from Mill Valley, and a young college intern, from the veterinary college at Davis.

“How was work today?” she asked her oldest son, as she and Jamie walked into the kitchen.

“Busy.” He smiled at his mother.

“How about some dinner?”

She was cooking for them again, as she had been for months. Carole had covered for her before that. But ever since Easter, she felt as though she had reconnected with her children. Her mother was still calling regularly to check on her, but even her predictions of doom didn't seem quite as ominous. It was beginning to seem as though they were going to make it after all. She was managing at work, despite an enormous workload. She had finished all of Jack's cases, and started some new ones on her own. The kids were in good shape. The summer was off to a reasonable start. And she still missed jack, but she could get through the days, and even the nights now. She didn't sleep as well as she once had, but she was asleep by two now instead of five, and most of the time, she was in fairly decent spirits. Though occasionally, she still had some real sinkers, and some intensely down days. But now at last there were plenty of good ones too, more than bad.

She made pasta and salad that night for the three of them, and ice cream sundaes, and Jamie helped her make them. He put the whipped cream on, and the nuts, and the maraschino cherries.

“Just like in a restaurant,” Jamie announced, proud of himself, as he served them.

“Have you and Mom started training for the Olympics yet?” Peter asked with interest as he demolished the sundae.

“We start tomorrow,” their mother answered.

“What events are you entering this year?” Peter talked to him now like a father, more than just an older brother. He had picked up the slack wherever possible, and had even finished the year with fairly respectable grades, in spite of everything that had happened. And in the fall, he'd be a senior. Liz was planning to visit colleges with him in September. Mostly up and down the West Coast. He didn't want to go far from home now, although before his father had died he'd been talking about Princeton and Yale and Harvard. But now he was looking toward UCLA, and Berkeley, and Stanford.

“I'm going to do the running long jump, and the hundred yard dash … and the sack race,” Jamie said proudly. “I was going to do the egg toss again, but Mom says I'm too old now.”

“Sounds good to me. I'll bet you win another ribbon,” Peter said with a warm smile, as Liz watched them both with a look of pleasure. They were both good boys, and she was glad they were at home with her. She enjoyed their company, and she could concentrate on them with the girls gone.

“Mom thinks I'll win first prize this time,” Jamie said, but he didn't look convinced. He still wasn't sure how adept his mother would be as a trainer. He was used to practicing with his father.

“I'll bet you do too,” Peter said, helping himself to more ice cream, and giving some to his little brother.

“I don't mind winning last place,” Jamie said matter-of-factly, “just so I get a ribbon.”

“Thanks for your faith in me as a trainer.” Liz smiled at her youngest son, and started clearing the dishes, and then she told him to get ready for bed. Jamie was starting day camp in the morning.

And the next day when she drove him there on the way to work, she looked at Jamie proudly and leaned over to give him a kiss. “I love you, kiddo. Have fun. I'll be home at six, and we'll start practicing for the Olympics.”

He nodded and blew her a kiss as he got out of the car, and she headed for the office. It was a warm, sunny day in Marin, though she could see fog stretched across the bridge, and she knew it was probably cool in San Francisco. It was a pretty summer day, and she thought of Jack suddenly, with a quick knife stab in the heart. She still had them sometimes, when she thought of him, or saw something they had both loved or done together. But she felt better again by the time she got to the office. But no matter what she did, or how busy she was, she still missed him.