Janet Evanovich - The Grand Finale

“Listen, Jake, it isn’t exactly that I have anything against doing it in the bathroom. After all, it was great in the shower, but this is different. This is sort of strange.”

Jake grinned. “You think I brought you in here to ravish your body?”

“Of course not. That’s ridiculous.” She bit her lip. “Well, yes.”

“Honey, that’s so naughty.”

Berry’s cheeks flamed. “What the devil did you bring me in here for?”

“To propose.”

She closed the lid and sat down with a thud. “Maybe I’ll sit down after all.”

Jake took a small blue velvet box from his pocket and assumed the traditional proposal position of kneeling on one knee. “Berry, will you…”

There was a knock at the door.

“Occupied!” Jake shouted. He popped the ring box open, and a huge diamond twinkled at Berry. “I’d like to take more time with this, but someone wants to use the bathroom.” He quickly slipped the ring on her limp finger. “Will you marry me?”

Berry sat absolutely mute, staring at the ring in dazed disbelief. What if she actually married him? Someday her children would ask how she got engaged, and she’d have to tell them it was while she was sitting on the toilet. Her mother got engaged at a church picnic. Her sister got engaged in a fancy restaurant. Lingonberry Knudsen got engaged on the toilet.

Jake patted her hand. “Too excited to speak?”

Berry opened her mouth, but no words emerged. Her mind was a blank. They hadn’t invented words yet that suited this occasion.

“You feel okay? You’re not going to faint, are you?”

Faint? Faint was the last thing she’d do. She was recovering from the shock, and she was damn mad. She was so mad her skin felt clammy and two bright red spots stained her cheeks. She clenched her fists and pressed her lips together.

Jake took a step backward. “Uh-oh, you’re mad.”

“Yes. No.” She threw her hands into the air. “I don’t know what I am!”

“I had a speech prepared, but some senior citizen has to use the facility.”

This was a special moment for Jake, Berry realized. A fragile moment. And she didn’t want to ruin it. She didn’t want to rain on his parade. Problem was she had this anger. It was just there, bubbling inside her.

“I’m having issues,” Berry said.

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I love you.”

Jake wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. “Then everything will work out just fine.”

There was another loud rap at the door.

Jake unlocked the door and ushered Berry past a wiry, gray-haired lady. “Sorry we took so long,” he apologized.

“Merciful heavens,” the woman exclaimed in a sharp intake of breath. She looked disapprovingly at Berry and slammed the door.

Mrs. Fitz suddenly appeared, shaking her finger. “I saw the two of you come out of the bathroom together. What the devil were you doing in there?”

Jake held Berry’s hand up to display the ring. “Getting engaged.”

“That’s wonderful!” Mrs. Fitz said, clasping her hands to her chest.

Berry snatched her hand away. “Actually, we were only talking about getting engaged. I don’t think-”

“Listen up, everyone,” Mrs. Fitz shouted. “Berry and Jake got engaged.”

A pretty brunette extended her hand to Berry. “I’m Jake’s sister Penny. I’m so relieved to see Jake’s finally fallen in love. We thought it’d never happen.” Penny grinned at her older brother. “Everyone in the family’s tried to find a girl for Mr. Picky, here, but nothing doing. Jake always said he’d know when the right one came along, and he wasn’t going to settle.”

Jake slid his arm around Berry. “It’s true. I said that.”

Berry looked at the beautiful ring and felt her stomach turn. Was getting engaged supposed to make a person nauseous?

Berry stood in the doorway and watched the last of Mildred’s belongings get loaded into the back of the station wagon. She raised a hand and waved. “Good-bye,” she whispered.

Jake put an arm around her. “Why so sad? Mildred and Bill will have a good life together.”

Berry shrugged. She didn’t know why she was sad, but she was dangerously close to crying. Mrs. Dugan was gone. Now Mildred was gone. Her newly adopted family was disbanding, and she felt bereft. “Guess I’m pretty silly, huh?”

“Yup.” Jake held her close, resting his cheek against her curls.

“It isn’t as if I’ll never see them again. When Mildred and Bill come back from their honeymoon they’ll be working at the Pizza Place just like always.”

“Yup.”

“And Mrs. Dugan will be home in another week.”

“Yup.”

“And I’m engaged,” Berry added.

“You make it sound like a dental appointment.”

Berry turned to face him. “I don’t want you to take this personally, but being engaged upsets my stomach.”

Jake looked down at her. “You don’t want me to take that personally?”

“I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I lay there all night long thinking about the dog, the house, the ring… you. It’s like a dream come true. Everything I’ve always wanted has suddenly been dropped at my feet.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Every time I look at this ring I get nauseous.”

“Maybe you have the flu,” Jake said.

“Maybe my stomach is smarter than my brain. Maybe it’s trying to tell me something.”

“Are you serious about this?”

“You think I’m crazy, huh?”

“The word fruitcake did flit through my mind.”

Berry nervously twisted the ring on her finger. “But my stomach…”

“Don’t listen to your stomach. Stomachs are stupid.”

Berry’s attention turned to the leggy kitten that strolled across the front lawn. “If it hadn’t been for that cat we probably wouldn’t be engaged.”

Rrrrrf! Calamity Jane appeared in the doorway and raced down the lawn after the cat. The puppy stopped seven inches from the surprised kitten and bounced around. Rrrrf. Rrrrrf. The kitten narrowed its eyes and swiped at the dog’s nose. Jane yelped and bolted for the house.

Just then Mrs. Fitz thundered down the stairs. “I see you,” she said to Jane. “If I get hold of you there’s gonna be dog stew.” Mrs. Fitz waved a mangled piece of brown leather at Berry. “That blasted animal ate my pocketbook. It’s a hazard to live here. Good thing I’ve got plans.”

Berry raised her eyebrows. “Plans?”

Mrs. Fitz beamed. “Harry’s on his way over here. He borrowed his son’s motor home for a week, and we’re gonna go see the Grand Canyon. I’ve never been there. I was worried about going away and leaving you alone at the Pizza Place, but Jake said it was okay. He said the two of you could handle it just fine.”

“Jake knew about this?”

“Mrs. Fitz discussed it with me this morning while you were in the shower. I knew you wouldn’t want to stand in the way of the Grand Canyon.”

“Well, no, of course not, but what about the lunch contracts? I can’t handle the lunch contracts alone, and you’ll be teaching.”

Jake opened the patio door to let some air into the house. “My teaching career has been cut short. Mrs. Newfarmer is feeling better, and she’s returning to her class on Monday.”

Berry jammed her fists onto her hips. “Nobody ever tells me anything. Why am I always the last to know what’s going on around here?”

Mrs. Fitz pressed her lips together. “Because you either got your nose in a schoolbook or your hand in the refrigerator. And when you’re not doing either of those, you’re in the shower. Never seen anybody take so many showers. It’s a wonder you haven’t grown webbed feet.”

“Showers relax me.”

Jake looked at her sidewise.

“Sometimes they relax me.”

A horn tooted outside, and Mrs. Fitz scrambled back upstairs. “That’s Harry. Tell him I’ll be right there. I’m just going to fetch my things.”

Berry held tight to Jake’s hand. “Mrs. Fitz is leaving! Do something.”

“I offered to help with her luggage, but she said she was traveling light.”

Berry grunted in exasperation. “I’m not talking about luggage. I’m talking about Mrs. Fitz and Harry. We have to stop them.”

“Why?”

“Why? There are lots of good reasons.”

“Uh-huh.”

“They’re old. What if they have a heart attack going through the desert? What if Mrs. Fitz forgets her blood pressure medicine? What if she can’t find prune juice?”

“You sound like June Cleaver waiting for Wally to come home from his first date.”

“Hell.” She sat on the lowest step, resting her elbows on her knees, and her chin in her hands. Okay, Berry, she thought, what’s the real because? Because I don’t want to live all alone in this terrific house with Jake. Things were happening too fast. One minute she was delivering pizza to Quasimodo, and three weeks later she was engaged. Her stomach told her to take the ring off, but she couldn’t-it was stuck. Stuck on her swollen finger, stuck to her love-struck heart. What a mess.

Mrs. Fitz sidled past her wearing jeans and a backpack. “What do you think?” she said, modeling her outfit. “Harry got these duds for me. Pretty nice, huh?”

Harry waved from the front door, and Mrs. Fitz hugged Berry. “Boy, this is gonna be great. Harry and I are gonna live in sin and see the Grand Canyon all at the same time. Isn’t that something?”

Berry followed Mrs. Fitz to the front porch and watched the motor home rumble away. “When I grow up I want to be just like Mrs. Fitz.”

There was the sound of glass breaking, followed by puppy feet clattering across the kitchen floor. Cat and dog burst out the front door and ran straight for Berry and Jake.

Jake snared Jane and carried her into the house. The cat held her ground on the porch, refusing to set foot inside.

“Smart cat,” Berry said. “This house suddenly smells awful.”