‘I was wrong about you,’ I spat, shaking with rage. ‘How dare you presume to know what I need? How dare you speak about him that way? Erich’s a good man – a better man that you’ll ever be. How could I ever choose you when you’re still such an arrogant boy?’

He stared at me, his face blanched of all colour, his brows raised in bafflement, then he closed his eyes and dropped his head, as if all the fight had gone out of him. ‘I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s the last thing I wanted to do.’ He lifted his head, his face resolute. ‘Don’t make a decision now. Go home and think about it. You’re a free woman. Make the choices that are right for you.’

He sighed and then leant across to grasp my face in his hands and kiss me deeply. I was rooted to the spot in surprise. It was a possessive gesture that took me back to our passionate moments of young love, years earlier. His lips were as soft as I had remembered but the power behind the kiss now was not of the boy but that of a man. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away.

He stood. ‘This is not goodbye.’ Turning towards the girls, he called out to them. ‘I have to go to work, girls. I hope to see you again soon.’

Greta ran to him and hugged him tightly. ‘Goodbye, Onkel Heinrich. I’m going home with Mutti soon. Come and visit us there.’

I felt a stab in my chest at the closeness between them. Heinrich straightened as Greta ran back to her sister’s side. He waved cheerily to them, turned once more to me, pain clouding his eyes, and strode down the path.

I was furious with Heinrich but I was also furious with my mother. She was out when I returned and I insisted that my father drive us home that afternoon. He didn’t ask and I didn’t tell him what had happened as I bundled the children into the car before my mother came home. I didn’t want to confront her feeling like this. I needed time.

When we returned home, I found I could breathe a little easier. A warm glow enveloped me watching Erich with Greta. He was still long and lean despite being nearly forty. He exuded a grace and elegance that could not be learnt. His eyes were bright with excitement at his reunion with his daughters and I did not miss the look that was just for me, promising that he would welcome me home properly later. It made me weak at the knees. After all this time, Erich could still do that to me. The chemistry between us was strong and I could not resist him.

Greta sat on her father’s knee while I attended to Johanna and dinner, chatting animatedly about her adventures at Grossmama’s house, including our outing with Heinrich. She didn’t fail to miss the kiss that he had given me and duly reported it to her father.

Later that evening, I returned hesitantly to the kitchen after tucking the girls into bed and reading them a story. I had seen Erich’s thunderous expression when Greta had told him about Heinrich. I had a lot of explaining to do.

‘What happened at your mother’s?’ he demanded.

‘Look,’ I said turning towards him, ‘I was just as surprised as you are. I didn’t know Heinrich was visiting Mutti often enough for Greta to know him. I didn’t know he was coming until I saw him come out of Mutti’s parlour.’

He nodded but continued to look sceptical, his brows knitted together. ‘It’s your meddling mother again,’ he said bitterly.

‘Yes.’ I sighed. ‘I’m furious with her.’

‘Your family never ceases to amaze me.’ He leant forward in his chair. ‘So Heinrich’s still pining after you and your mother’s encouraging it.’

I nodded, blushing with embarrassment.

‘He had a hide to kiss you.’ Erich grabbed my arm, holding it tightly. ‘He has no right, no claim to you any more.’ The vein at his temple was protruding, a sure sign that he was livid. I was glad that I didn’t mention Heinrich’s other advance.

‘It was a goodbye kiss.’ I fiddled with the edge of the tablecloth. ‘Heinrich knows there’s no future for us. That’s why I had to speak to him. I wouldn’t have allowed him to join us otherwise.’

He let go of my arm and leant back in his chair, his eyes glittering. Not only was he angry, I realised, he was jealous.

‘I don’t understand why you felt you needed to say anything to him at all. Just ignore him. He’ll soon get over you. For Christ’s sake, you have two children!’

I had never seen Erich like this. I had never imagined him as the jealous type. But here he was, his face red with fury, his chest puffed out with indignation, losing the tight control of his emotions. All it did was stir my own anger, which had been smouldering in my belly all day.

‘Don’t be ridiculous! I was engaged to be married to him. After all these years, he deserved an explanation. He’s a good man but he was encouraged by my mother. I had to make him understand how things stand.’

‘How do things stand? It sounds to me that you enjoyed spending time with him.’

A burst of guilt flooded my body, making my fingers tingle with alarm. Heinrich was part of my old life and I had enjoyed seeing him but maybe it had been a mistake.

‘Would you rather be married to him? Are you regretting being here with me?’

My face reddened as if I had been slapped and my breath caught in my chest. How could he say these things after everything we had been through, after everything I had told him?

I stood abruptly, the chair scraping against the floor. ‘Have you forgotten that our marriage was declared invalid in front of a courtroom full of people? Have you thought about our daughters and how they are now illegitimate?’ My voice caught. ‘What are you going to do about that, Erich?’

He was standing too now and we were nose to nose. ‘What do you want me to do? You’re a free woman now, free to choose whatever you want. Don’t let me stop you. I wouldn’t want you to feel trapped by me.’ He was shaking with rage.

I was mortified by his words. ‘Go to hell.’ I was tempted to go back to my parents with the girls. I didn’t need any man. Then, as if a bucket of cold water had been tipped over my head, I realised what I was doing. We were teetering on the edge of an abyss that threatened to destroy everything we had. I dropped to my chair, face in my hands, feeling oddly detached from my body. I didn’t want to fight.

‘Stop this,’ I sobbed. ‘We are a family… What are we going to do to make this right?’

He stared down at me, his chest heaving. Our eyes locked. I would not look away even with my tears, although my body was coiled with fear. Slowly the harshness faded from his eyes and the blue pulse at his temple slowed as he thought about what I had said. Clear reason returned, turning his eyes into luminous pools of liquid green. He sighed and looked out the window into the blackness.

‘I have to divorce Inga. I’m sure she’ll make it as difficult as possible. It might be some time before we can remarry—’ his voice cracked ‘—if that’s what you want to do.’ The pressure of what he was asking of me, the sacrifice he would make for my happiness, was plain in the anguish on his face.

Frustration bubbled in my blood, frothing in my chest so it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I glared at him. ‘Of course that’s what I want. I love you and I want us to be a family. I’ve already told you that.’

He dropped to his knees next to my chair. He seized my hand and brought it to his mouth with such fierceness that it startled me. ‘I love you too. I have always loved you,’ he said fervently and pressed his lips to my hand again. His touch was warm and solid, somehow rousing me, making me whole again.

‘Oh, Erich!’ I flung my arms around him. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere else. I can’t imagine my life without you. You mean the world to me.’

He held me tightly, shuddering suddenly. ‘I couldn’t imagine my life without you either. I was so worried you wanted your old life back, that you wanted Heinrich and not me, that it made me crazy. I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s all right,’ I whispered, squeezing him tighter. How could I be so blind that I hadn’t seen his own fear and vulnerability?

Then he was on his feet and I was in his arms, oblivious to anything but the fire that raged between us. He carried me to bed, where furious, passionate lovemaking healed the hurt between us and tender words afterwards reminded us of what we meant to each other.

21

I looked around the tiny, rundown cottage listlessly, the smell of animal manure pervading the air. It wouldn’t be enough. There were only two bedrooms, one for Erich and myself, one that the girls shared – and only one living space. Erich’s mother, Karoline, was coming to live with us. Expelled from her home, like many Germans and like Erich, she was a displaced person and had nobody else. Her husband was still missing and the chances of him being alive grew slimmer by the day. When Erich had opened the letter telling him she was alive, we were both shocked.

‘My mother’s been found,’ he whispered. I read the letter in his hand. It was from the Red Cross. They had found her in a Russian camp in Karpinsk in Western Siberia. I shivered in horror. She had survived for five years. I couldn’t imagine what that had been like. She was on her way to a refugee camp in Hamburg. There was no word of Erich’s father.

‘I can’t believe it.’ I hugged Erich.

He nodded, his eyes blank. ‘I never thought I’d see the day,’ he whispered. Erich had recently started a new job at the Illesheim Ordinance Depot as a Safety Inspector and Engineer. He was delighted to be working in a field closer to his own profession and the work was easy for him. The pay was much better too and we had the option to move closer to the depot, into rental housing allotted to staff. It was something we definitely needed to investigate now that Erich’s mother was part of our household.