‘Thank you.’ He nodded, his eyes clouding over briefly. Then he smiled. ‘It’s good to see you again, Lotte.’

‘You too,’ I whispered, my breath catching in my throat at my admission. It really was good to see him. His boyish good looks had turned into a rugged handsomeness and he seemed at ease with his large, powerful frame. I knew he had returned home after the war emaciated and worn down, but obviously life had been good to him since then. I hadn’t known how Heinrich would be when we finally met once again, how he would feel, and I’d feared that the life and love we once shared would be overshadowed by the bitterness and hurt of what I had done. I was no longer the young girl he had known. The last years had been hard and pregnancy and childbirth had changed my body. I wrapped my arm over my belly self-consciously.

Heinrich took my hand. ‘Don’t do that,’ he said. ‘You’re more beautiful than ever. Motherhood suits you.’ He kissed my hand, a gentle, lingering kiss that made my heart race. When had Heinrich learnt what to say to a woman? I pulled my hand away.

‘The children,’ I said more harshly than I intended. My face flamed with embarrassment, remembering back to the days when we had fooled around in the meadows of the Englischer Garten. They were a lifetime ago but at this moment they felt like only yesterday. My breath quickened at the memory.

‘They’ll be fine,’ Heinrich whispered. He grasped my hand again, drawing me towards him. Leaning forward, he kissed the sensitive skin above my collarbone, right at the base of my neck, making me shiver ever so slightly. ‘Nothing’s changed. I still want you,’ he murmured, his breath tickling my ear.

I wrenched away and stood abruptly, glancing at the girls, who were oblivious to what had happened. I glared at Heinrich, mortified. ‘Grow up,’ I snapped, my heart pounding in my ears. I was furious with him and myself, wondering if he had seen my thoughts written on my face. ‘You know this can’t be. I have responsibilities now.’

Heinrich sighed, shaking his head. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. It just felt like old times.’

I understood what he meant. It was hard to let go of the past, of what had been between us. It felt like the years had melted away and we were a young couple once more.

‘Come and sit down. There are things I have to say to you. We must talk.’ He patted the rug next to him. ‘I promise I’ll be good.’

The reality was that the past was behind us and neither of us could undo what had happened since. I tentatively sat back down on the rug, placing as much distance between us as possible.

‘Come back to me.’ Heinrich’s face was alive with hope, tempering the wrinkles of pain around his eyes.

‘You know I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

His closeness was causing me not to think straight, echoes of the last time I had seen him, before he went to war. When he had begged me to make love to him, I realised belatedly. Blushing furiously and irritated by my reaction to him, I savagely plucked blades of grass from the ground, disconcerted by layers of memories – the meadow in summertime many years earlier, a time before I had met Erich, when life was less complicated and Heinrich and I were happy.

‘I told you, I have responsibilities now. I have the girls. You know how it was for me when my parents divorced. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.’ I flung the grass away in exasperation, not daring to look at him.

Heinrich’s large hand reached out and enfolded mine. It took all my willpower not to jerk away. ‘I remember what you went through,’ he said softly. ‘I want you and I want your girls. Marry me and I will adopt your girls, like Johann adopted you. I will give you and your girls everything.’

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak, pulling my hand away.

‘There’s no reason why you can’t now,’ he said desperately, leaning towards me. ‘I know about the court case. You’re free to do what you like.’

I stiffened, my breath tight in my chest. What he said was true. I shut my eyes, hating myself. How could I contemplate such a thing? The truth was I had chosen Erich and all that came with him. I couldn’t imagine life without him. ‘I can’t abandon Erich. He’s the girls’ father.’

‘I understand you married Erich because you were trapped.’

My eyebrows rose, wondering what my mother had told him but I didn’t want to talk about it here. I cupped his cheek with my hand. ‘You’re a kind and wonderful man but I told you, I have responsibilities. I married Erich in a union we believed was legal. I have two children with him and we are a family. I’m bound to him now. It’s too late.’

Heinrich placed his hand over mine and brought it to rest over his heart. It was beating wildly. ‘Do you love him?’

‘Oh, Heinrich,’ I said wretchedly, pulling my hand free. I couldn’t tell him of the uncontrollable fire between Erich and I, the unbridled passion that propelled me towards him all those years ago. I couldn’t hurt him any more than I needed to. ‘What is love? I thought I knew what it was once when I was young and naïve but in truth I had no idea. I’ve shared the most difficult and most joyful moments of my life with this man. We’ve formed a bond and only together can we carry the burden of what this war has cost the both of us. It’s the only way we can heal.’ I stopped, glancing away from his puzzled expression to the girls feeding each other apple slices. ‘Erich is a good father and husband. The girls don’t need another. He has proven he will do anything to provide for us. Is that love?’ I turned back to look challengingly at him to find Heinrich staring thoughtfully at me.

‘Do you still love me?’ he whispered, wariness in his eyes for the first time.

How could I answer him? My feelings were so tangled. They weren’t the electric feelings I had for Erich and the deep connection we shared, yet there was still something here. Perhaps it was just our history catching up with me. I stared at the grass, hearing the girls’ chatter in the background. Searching for a non-committal response, I rearranged my legs beneath me, tucking my feet under my skirt.

‘You’re my oldest friend. You have shared so much of my life and you remind me so much of my brothers. How can I not love you?’

‘You think of me like a brother,’ he said coldly.

My head jerked to his ashen face. His eyes burned with anger.

‘Have you always felt this way?’

‘It’s not like that,’ I snapped. ‘I’ll admit I had doubts before our wedding but I wasn’t sure if it was just nerves. You were all I knew about love. I had nothing to compare it to.’

‘You weren’t attracted to me?’

‘How can you say that? Of course I was. Don’t you remember how it was with us? How we were here in the garten?’ My neck and face blushed hot with the memories. ‘You were very handsome and strong…’ My voice faltered. ‘You still are, more than I remembered.’

He ran his hands through his cropped blond hair. ‘Then what is it?’

‘When I worked with Erich, he treated me with respect, valued my opinions like I was his equal, his partner. I had never experienced that before.’ I dropped my gaze for a moment. I wasn’t being entirely truthful. ‘I never felt that with you. I always felt part of your plan, your possession, your prize. You never really listened to what I wanted to do with my life.’ He opened his mouth to object, his brow furrowed in annoyance. ‘No, not really,’ I ploughed on. ‘You would pacify me but I knew that you expected me to fall in with your plan once we were married. I sometimes wondered if you really loved me in that way at all. We were both naïve, I think. Maybe you didn’t know any differently either.’

Heinrich looked at me, stunned. ‘How could you doubt me? I’ve always loved you, even if you think I didn’t say it often enough or in the way you wanted. What could be higher praise to you than wanting you to share my life? Of course I valued you. I was young and green I know, and I would do it entirely differently now but make no mistake, I love you. Come back to me.’

Tears welled in my eyes. I hadn’t imagined meeting him again would be like this. ‘You’ve been part of my life for so long that you are a part of me.’ I looked at the girls digging in the dirt, blinking the tears away. ‘You don’t know what it was like when you went to war. I couldn’t breathe some days, worrying about you, and then when we didn’t hear from you and we didn’t know if you were alive or dead… It was worse than torture. I couldn’t bear to pack my wedding gown away until Mutti and I left München for the last time. I thought I had lost you.’ I dashed away the errant tear that slid down my face in defiance of my desire to stay composed. ‘I don’t want to lose you again now that you’ve come back into my life but please don’t ask this of me. I don’t know if I can cope with losing you again.’

‘So you do still love me,’ he whispered.

I sighed in frustration. He didn’t understand.

Then his face hardened. ‘Yet you chose him.’

‘I never meant to hurt you. I had an affair with Erich. I thought you were dead – I hadn’t heard from you in months. I fell pregnant and had a choice to come home with Mutti or stay in Windsheim and marry him. I chose to marry him. Despite everything we’ve been through, I love him.’

‘How can a man like him possibly give you what you need? He can’t understand your background, he’s a commoner. He has no profession that he can perform and he can’t support you in the manner you’re used to. You don’t need to live like a peasant. I know you and I know what you need.’

Anger bubbled in my chest. I’d forgotten how arrogant he was, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, everything handed to him on a platter. He thought he could still make decisions for me. Maybe he hadn’t changed at all. He truly believed the words he had spoken. My gut twisted with disgust. I had held those same beliefs once but now didn’t know whether to feel indignant, enraged or saddened by his ignorance. Germany was a different place now. The war had swept all those grand illusions away. I was different too.