‘I know, my liebchen. I’ve watched you with the girls, the wistfulness you get every now and then, especially on their birthdays when you can take only a few photographs.’ She caressed my face. ‘You can start taking photographs whenever you want again.’

My photography was an integral part of me, my passion and joy. To return to it was something I had dreamt of for years.

‘Oh, Mutti,’ I murmured, tears glistening in my eyes. ‘You know me so well. How can I ever thank you?’

‘Just take some beautiful pictures, like you used to. Vati and I only want to see you happy.’ She squeezed my hand and turned her focus back to the girls. After everything, she had been paying attention. The thought warmed my heart.

*

It was wonderful to have the apartment to ourselves once again. The government had found housing for the wartime residents of our home and Mutti and Vati had spent a lot of time trying to restore the apartment to its original condition. The filthy walls had been stripped and repainted, and rugs covered marks on the floor that couldn’t be erased.

‘What will you do now?’ asked Mutti lightly one evening as we sat in the parlour, Beethoven playing softly in the background. The room looked like it always had with the Rembrandt back on the wall in pride of place.

‘What can I do?’ I picked up a partially finished tapestry on its wooden frame, to hide the tears that sprang to my eyes, brushing my fingers over the neat stitches. The legal status of my marriage to Erich caused my chest to tighten with grief every time I thought about it. I couldn’t get the look of disapproval those court officials had given me out of my head.

‘You could stay here with us,’ said Mutti tentatively. ‘Greta is happy here. We could help you with the children.’

I glanced across to Vati, sitting near the gramophone. He nodded reassuringly. I put the tapestry down and gazed once again into my mother’s face. I knew Mutti was unhappy about this state of affairs and I couldn’t help but feel that I had let her and our family down. A scandal such as this was exactly what she had always tried to protect her family name from, and Vati’s too.

‘I can’t,’ I said, shaking my head. Erich needed me by his side and the children needed their father.

‘Maybe you could get some work in photography and in time start your own studio,’ she said. If only she had been so encouraging and supportive of my dreams during the war. I noticed that she was wearing her mother’s cameo at her throat. She had passed away not long before Erich’s trial and I was glad Mutti had seen her before she died, even if I had not.

It was tempting to stay here until Erich and I had a valid marriage once again. It was comfortable, easy, a breather from the difficult life we had been living. It wouldn’t be for very long, I told myself. Then I remembered how it had been before I left and I knew I couldn’t return. I wasn’t the same person any more.

If I stayed, I knew Mutti would try to force Heinrich and I back together. Since learning of my marriage to Erich, Heinrich had refused to marry. Mutti still believed he was best for me, of my own class, wealthy and my oldest friend. Heinrich’s father had died recently and he was now the sole beneficiary of the sizable Hoffmann family estate. Somehow their fortune hadn’t been as decimated as Vati’s after the war. In my mother’s eyes, Heinrich could best provide for me, keep me safe and give me a good life. But I understood now why marrying Heinrich hadn’t felt right. Erich was the one for me and I had made my choice. Erich was a man, proving he could care for me and our children during difficult years. Besides, I couldn’t imagine life without him now. When I thought about Heinrich in Erich’s shoes, I doubted he could have accomplished the same, been man enough to be flexible and do anything to look after his family.

‘My home is with Erich and I love him,’ I said. ‘We have our children to think of and we are a family. I can’t take their father away from them, like mine was taken from me.’

Mutti’s eyes widened but she merely nodded. She picked up the tapestry, turning it over in her hands. ‘When we divorced, your father demanded the boys stay with him. It nearly destroyed me. Your father drank and gambled away his fortune and my inheritance but nobody seemed to understand why I left him. The only way I could give you a decent education was to agree to send you to boarding school near your father. I’m sure it was just so I couldn’t see you, to make my isolation and despair more complete. I came to München on my own, not only to get away from your father and his family but because I was determined to make a life for you here but I couldn’t get a job. I had never worked before. I had no skills. If not for my grandmother’s bequeath to me,’ she gestured to the apartment, ‘I would have been destitute.’ She gazed at me, her blue eyes misty with memory. ‘Just think about your future and the future of your children. You don’t have to endure such hardship. I don’t want your life to be difficult.’

‘It’s all right, Mutti.’ My hand caressed her damp cheek. ‘You did the only thing you could.’

‘Yes.’ Mutti nodded and took the handkerchief I handed her. ‘But I don’t want that for you. I want you to have a good life, a happy life.’

I grasped Mutti’s hand. ‘But I will. Erich and I will sort this out.’

Mutti sniffed and nodded but I could tell by the stubborn set of her jaw that she wasn’t convinced.

‘We have to let them be,’ said Vati gently. ‘It will take time to go through the legal channels to set this wrong right again. Lotte has made her choice and Erich is an honourable man who loves her and their children dearly. He will not abandon them and, if I know him at all, he would give his life to make this right and to provide Lotte and the children with a good life. It’s time you gave him a chance.’

I smiled at Vati, the tightness in my chest easing. I could always rely on him to support me. ‘Thank you, Vati, for having faith in him, in us. He’s been through so much, I couldn’t abandon him either.’

Vati rose from his chair and sat between Mutti and me, grasping both our hands. ‘Mutti and I will support you in any way we can. Won’t we, liebchen?’ He looked at Mutti and she reluctantly met his gaze.

‘Of course,’ said Mutti, so softly I almost didn’t hear her. ‘She’s my only child. Of course I will support her.’

*

I was preparing the girls for a walk to the park when I heard voices downstairs, not uncommon in this household; Mutti had an active social life and people were often coming and going from her parlour. Greta sped ahead to see who Grossmama had visiting her this day.

‘Onkel Heinrich!’ I heard her screech with delight. ‘Are you coming on our walk? We’re going to the park, you know?’

I felt the blood drain from my head and groped for the railing to steady myself, conscious of keeping a firm grip on Johanna.

‘Look who’s here, Mutti,’ said Greta, dragging Heinrich by the hand to the stairs.

‘Hello, Lotte,’ said Heinrich, grinning sheepishly.

I stopped on the stairs, staring. Heinrich looked the same as always, smartly dressed and tall, blond, handsome, reminding me so strongly of my brothers. A warm rush of affection gushed through me and I smiled. I couldn’t help it. I was pleased to see him. He had been a big part of my life for so long, I realised how much I had missed him.

‘Hello Heinrich.’

‘Onkel Heinrich’s coming to the park with us. Aren’t you?’ Greta’s big brown eyes looked up at him, begging him to go along with her plan.

‘I’m sure Onkel Heinrich has more important things to do than come walking with us,’ I said lightly.

‘Oh no,’ replied Heinrich, smoothing Greta’s dark hair. ‘A walk with young Greta is just the thing to make my day.’

‘Yippee,’ shouted Greta, jumping up and down. ‘Come on, Johanna, hurry up. Onkel Heinrich is coming for a walk with us.’

I realised that this was not the first time that Heinrich had visited. Greta seemed to know him quite well. Anger began to blossom deep in my belly. It was no accident that Heinrich was here now.

‘Is this your youngest?’ asked Heinrich politely, gesturing to Johanna, struggling to get down to her sister.

‘Yes,’ I said absently. ‘This is Johanna.’ Heinrich opened his arms to Johanna, gesturing to her to come. I was horrified when she let go of my hand, climbed down the next step and into Heinrich’s waiting arms.

‘Come then. It’s a beautiful sunny day and the park is waiting,’ said Heinrich. He strode out the door, Greta clutching one hand and Johanna in the other, leaving me dumbfounded.

‘Are you coming, Mutti?’ called Greta.

Heinrich was good with the girls – that surprised me. Greta rode on his shoulders and climbed up and tumbled off his legs countless times, while he spun Johanna around, urged on by her delighted screams.

‘More!’ they both pleaded, until Heinrich collapsed on the grass, panting.

‘No more,’ he groaned. ‘I’m too old. I need a rest.’

‘Come on, girls,’ I said sternly, although I was bubbling with laughter and had to keep the grin from my face. ‘Leave Onkel Heinrich alone now. Greta, here, take your refreshments under the tree and have them while I talk to Onkel Heinrich.’ I passed her the bag I had packed earlier. ‘Take your sister with you.’

‘They’re beautiful,’ said Heinrich, while I spread out the rug for us to sit on. ‘I can’t believe what fun they are.’

‘Yes, they are,’ I said softly. Perhaps one day you might make a good father, I thought. I sat on a corner of the rug and gazed at my girls, picking up their grandmother’s cake with delighted expressions. I remembered his father. ‘I’m sorry about your father.’