‘He was suffering psychological shock,’ testified the psychiatrist, an experienced and trusted voice in his profession. ‘It was the result of the continued trauma he suffered, learning about his family’s demise, the search through unrecognisable corpses in the bunker in Berlin and the consequent hopeful expectation that they lived, only to be re-traumatised by the news of their disappearance and probable deaths.’

‘Would you agree that Herr Drescher’s unconscious mind sought a way to put this experience and the crippling pain behind him?’ asked the lawyer.

‘Yes,’ said the psychiatrist. ‘By forming an attachment to Fräulein von Klein.’

‘So, he was able to put his trauma to one side with the happy event of his subsequent marriage to Fräulein von Klein.’

I could see Erich’s body tight as a coiled spring. ‘That’s right,’ said the psychiatrist, leaning forward. ‘However, his conscious mind was in no fit state to make rational decisions.’

Not exactly a glowing report on my character. I knew I was to be viewed as an opportunist taking advantage of a damaged man, or a mindless female who didn’t consider the state of mind of the man she married. To hear it uttered in front of those who didn’t know me, especially Inga, was another thing. Indignation and fury bubbled within me but I had to swallow my pride. I kept my head demurely bent. The price of ensuring we did everything we could to secure my husband’s freedom.

The testimonies of the seemingly endless roll of witnesses frayed my nerves.

It was a month of agony. Erich and I were exhausted; revisiting the past and all its interpretations brought with it a measure of guilt. Had we done enough at the time, did we do the right thing, how would it affect our family? Cocooned in our own little bubble of pain and despair, we were unable to reach each other. Poor Johanna, everything I did was automatic. I was hardly present for her. If Erich went to prison, what would I do? I can’t say that thoughts of Heinrich’s offer didn’t enter my mind.

Finally, the day of the verdict came. I was terrified, glad that I was sitting as my legs had turned to jelly. I don’t know where Erich’s strength came from as he stood in front of me, straight and tall next to his lawyer. I wiped my clammy hands on my skirt surreptitiously while I stared at the back of Erich’s jacket, slightly crushed from sitting. The lawyer sent a reassuring nod my way after whispering in Erich’s ear and I broke out into a cold sweat.

‘In the criminal matter of…’ the judge began. I could see his mouth moving but a loud roaring filled my ears, my vision doubled and I felt sure I was going to faint. The fateful words came to me as if from a long way away. ‘It is this court’s decision that Erich Drescher be acquitted of the charge of bigamy.

‘This court has found that there was insufficient evidence to prove that he wilfully or intentionally entered into a double marriage.’

I reached forward to find Erich’s hand. His grasp was solid and he squeezed my hand tightly. He turned to me briefly and smiled, the hard lines of his face softening. Reality began to set in. Elation flooded through me. We had done it!

Listening to the rest of the judge’s ruling, my eyes widened in surprise to learn that our court costs were going to be paid by the exchequer, the government treasury. It was the best possible outcome although I would have preferred a proclamation of innocence and a public apology. I couldn’t wait to embrace Erich and celebrate this joy with him.

I glanced across to Inga where she sat glaring furiously at the judge, and a small part of me went out to her. Despite her vindictiveness, she was alone, away from her children, and she had lost this battle.

‘The marriage between Erich Drescher and Charlotte von Klein is therefore declared invalid,’ the judge concluded.

I swayed where I stood, the blood draining from my face.

The shame of hearing that my marriage had effectively never existed threatened to suffocate me. My heart raced and I found it hard to take a breath. The fact that it had been announced publicly, and with Inga present, made me want to curl up in a ball and disappear one moment, and the next I wanted to rage against Inga and the world. We didn’t deserve this, my children didn’t deserve this. Everything I had been through, everything I had given up for Erich and my family had come to this. It threatened to split me in two.

I was still staring across at Inga, rigid with shock and despair, and I watched as a smile spread deliberately across her face, celebrating my misfortune. A rush of fury filled me. I regretted all the kind thoughts I had had for her. I had never been one to hate, but God in Heaven and damn me to hell, I wanted to wring her neck. I never wanted to see that woman again.

Our children were illegitimate. I couldn’t get past that thought. I hugged Johanna with all my might when I returned home to her, as if I could protect her from our shame, to show her I loved her more than anything, despite the court’s decision. I couldn’t wait to see Greta.

20

‘Why don’t you come home and spend a few days with us?’ pleaded Mutti over the phone. ‘Vati will come and get you.’

‘No, Mutti. Erich needs me now. He’s been through so much. Can’t you and Vati bring Greta home?’ Erich had been ready for the worst – prison time – and although he had been exonerated, the court case had left him exhausted, empty and defeated. After everything, he couldn’t save our marriage. I knew how much that destroyed him.

‘Please, Lotte. Please come home and let Vati and me spoil you and Johanna for a couple of days.’ I’d never heard Mutti like this. There was a hint of desperation in her voice.

‘Don’t worry about me,’ Erich assured me when I discussed going to my parents’. ‘You know I’ll be working double shifts as much as I can. It will be good for me to be busy. I can’t bear to think of what’s happened to us.’

Tears pricked my eyes. Everything was a mess. I knew Erich blamed himself.

He pulled me into his arms and held me close. ‘I promise I’ll make this right.’

I squeezed my eyes tight, as a flood of emotion rushed through me – pride, anguish and relief. ‘I don’t want to leave you here like this. I’m worried about you,’ I said.

‘No, my darling.’ He smoothed my hair. ‘I will be fine. After these last few months, it’ll be good for you to be with your parents for a break. I know how exhausted you are and you need help with the girls. Go. We’ll work out what to do when you get back.’

He was right. We would work this out but I did need my parents, someone to help with the children, a good meal and some rest. The court case had taken so much out of me.

‘All right,’ I murmured. ‘I’ll go but not before I show you how much I’ll miss you.’

I looked into the depths of his green eyes and saw the flame of desperate love and despair intertwined. I kissed him deeply; thankful he was still with me and not in prison. He was solid under my touch, immediate and real. I pulled him to the bedroom, desperate to feel his touch, longing to show him how happy I was to have him home with me.

*

It was wonderful to see Greta. I couldn’t stop crying as I held her. She had grown taller, her dark hair long enough to stay in the pigtails Mutti gave her. She looked gorgeous – happy and healthy, dressed in a pretty dress and leather shoes.

Mutti couldn’t wait to show me how Greta now sat nicely at the table. She could eat properly with a knife and fork and hold her spoon correctly.

‘Clever girl! What lovely table manners,’ I said, kissing her soundly on the cheek.

‘Grossmama tells me I’m a big girl now that I’m three,’ she said, her dark eyes alight with the praise, puffing her little chest out with importance.

‘You are a big girl now that you’re three,’ I agreed, hugging her tightly, feeling guilty yet again for not being with her on her birthday, as we were in the midst of Erich’s trial.

Greta was keen to see how Johanna had grown and was surprised that she was now walking. She would hold her sister’s chubby little hand and walk with her, stopping when Johanna’s steps became unsteady. Nothing was as precious as watching the two of them together, Greta’s dark head leaning down to Johanna’s blonde one, encouraging her, and Johanna staring up at her with adoring blue eyes. Everything we had been through paled into insignificance at the sight of my two girls playing together.

‘I have something to show you,’ said Mutti. ‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

When Mutti returned, she handed me her camera. ‘Here, take some photographs of them before they get any bigger.’

The camera was heavy in my hand. I ran my fingers over the compact bulk, the feel of it as familiar as my own face. My own camera had only been used occasionally, as I tried to preserve the precious rolls of film Vati had given me. I stared at Mutti, incredulous.

‘You have film?’

‘Of course.’ She couldn’t help but smile at my excitement. ‘Vati has been scouring the city for film and somewhere to develop it. He found a studio that’s only recently been able to restock its supplies. We’ve been taking photographs of Greta whenever we can. When the film is finished, Vati will get it developed and give you the pictures. Give him any film you need developed and he will get it done and replaced for you.’

I hugged my mother, kissing her cheek in delight. Sometimes she could be so very thoughtful. ‘Thank you, Mutti. I can’t begin to tell you what this means to me.’ Finally, I could keep my promise to my father and share with him the photos I had taken.