‘You don’t want us here?’ I blurted, bristling with fury. ‘Fine, we’ll go.’

‘I didn’t say that.’ Tante Susie’s gaze fell to the table and I realised where this was going. She needed us to stay.

‘I think you’ve made yourself quite clear, Susie,’ said Erich. ‘I promised Werner to bring an income into this house until he was able to. I will not leave you and your children destitute. We will stay until Werner returns home and finds work. Then we’ll leave. Until then, however, I expect you to treat my wife with respect. Your boys are fit, healthy and happy because of her. Don’t forget it.’

Tante Susie stood abruptly, her chair hitting the timber floor with a thud. She gave us a look filled with anger and hatred before storming from the room.

The next month was a nightmare. Tante Susie was cold and distant. I continued to help her around the house, cooking, cleaning and standing in the queues for food. The bedtime stories I shared with Hansi and Wolfgang stopped, although they still begged me to come to them at bedtime. They couldn’t understand why their mother refused this small pleasure but I did. She was jealous, resentful of the bond I had formed with the boys, of the relationship they shared with Erich, instead of their own father. The tension was terrible and some days I could barely stand it, retreating to my room in tears. I began to dream of Erich and me in our own home with our child. Although I wasn’t sure how we were going to manage it.

Erich spent longer days away from me, searching for somewhere for us to live. Accommodation was hard to find. Everywhere was full in the town, particularly with the streams of refugees from the east that had begun to settle in and around Windsheim. He widened his search to the outlying villages in the hopes of finding something, although it worried me how he was going to manage to get to his job in Windsheim each day without a vehicle. I was afraid of my impending labour too, worried if this baby would survive and how I was going to care for it.

The baby arrived in the height of summer. I had been in labour from the night before and every pain reminded me of my experience a year earlier, causing me to tense with fear. I longed for my mother’s touch, her comforting hands. It was only when the midwife arrived, assuring me that everything seemed fine and was progressing normally, that I was able to relax a little. Under her expert hands and guidance, I was able to face the pains head on, determined to see my healthy, bawling child soon. I did it silently too. I didn’t want to give Tante Susie the satisfaction of hearing me scream. I grunted with the effort and my beautiful girl pushed her way into the world.

We named her Greta, meaning pearl. She was a pearl to us, a magnificent jewel that we had made and a joy born of the tumultuous times in which we lived. She was a healthy baby, perhaps a little underweight, but she thrived nonetheless. Erich was a proud father, showing her off, wrapped in her blanket so only her little pink face showed. The boys crowded around, overjoyed to finally see their new baby cousin.

‘It’s a girl,’ said Hansi in wonder.

‘She is,’ said Erich.

‘Now we finally have a girl to play with,’ said Wolfgang, gently touching her cheek with his finger. Greta screwed up her face, worked one little fist free, waved it in the air and began to cry. The boys all laughed.

‘Maybe she’s not too excited about that,’ said Peter.

‘All right, boys,’ Erich said to them. ‘It’s time for her to go back to her mother for a feed. Off you go.’

A little while later, a knock at the door woke me from my dozing, Greta still asleep in my arms. ‘Come in,’ I said, making sure I was decent.

I started at Tante Susie, shocked that she would come to me after weeks of stony silence and cool disregard. She came into the room slowly. It felt awkward.

‘Are you all right?’ she asked hesitantly.

I nodded. ‘Yes, I’m fine, thank you.’ I tried my best to keep the tightness out of my voice.

‘The baby is healthy? A girl, I hear.’

‘Yes, she’s fine too.’ I smiled, looking at Greta in my arms. ‘She’s fast asleep.’

She came further towards the bed tentatively, gazing at the baby longingly.

‘Would you like to hold her?’

‘Of course,’ she whispered, her gaze softening. She reached out to take the sleeping baby. She drew a finger across the delicate cheek and the wisps of dark hair that protruded from the blanket. ‘She’s beautiful. Maybe she’ll take after my grandmother’s side of the family, like me.’

‘Maybe,’ I said, tears pricking my eyes. She handed Greta back to me.

‘You’ve done well, Lotte,’ she said, leaning over me. ‘I hope you and Erich are very happy.’ She kissed my forehead and smoothed the hair back from my face. She smiled sadly and left the room quietly.

I allowed the tears to spill from my eyes. I was overjoyed that Tante Susie had reached out to me. I knew that she still loved me but I had the very strong sense that nothing was about to change between us. I wished my mother were here. I missed her more than anything.

The next couple of weeks were a blur. Greta took all of my time and energy. Between the painful and frustrating exercise of learning to breast feed, changing nappies, washing nappies, bathing her and putting her down for her sleep, there was little time for anything else. Poor Erich barely got a grunt out of me most days before I would pass out with exhaustion. He seemed happy enough though, cuddling his baby daughter whenever he got the chance, even when I argued with him that it was her bedtime.

Tante Susie hovered in the background. I’m sure she was checking that Greta and I were doing well. The boys were sweet, trying to help with Greta when they could. She was still a novelty to them but I wasn’t sure for how much longer, when she continued to wake them through the night with her cries.

Onkel Werner arrived home to this chaos. The boys went crazy, laughing, shrieking with joy and hanging onto him for dear life. They had been through so much and, as I watched them welcome him home, I held Greta a little closer, praying that her life would be blessed. Tante Susie just shook in his arms, tears running down her face unashamedly.

We learnt that the majority of the civilians interned for holding Nazi Party membership and not involved in Nazi activities had been released. Onkel Werner’s medical licence was to be returned to him and he was allowed to practice medicine once more. It was time for Erich and I to leave.

18

Erich found us a derelict little farmhouse to rent in Ickleheim, a tiny village about five kilometres from Windsheim. Dr Schrieber most apologetically explained that Erich’s job was no longer available; Onkel Werner had returned to work as his new business partner and he did not feel it was necessary to employ a driver when he was able to drive himself. I was sure our strained relationship with Tante Susie hadn’t helped.

I was very angry and hurt at the way we had been treated, discarded when they had no more need of our help. I was their niece after all – family – with a brand new baby, and we had done so much for them. But it was for the best, I decided. We had to start on our own and it seemed the right time.

Erich restored the farmhouse as best he could, hanging doors, fixing window latches, repairing the ceiling and roof. It was basic but it would do. We had running water that flowed in temperamental fits and starts due to the ancient pipes and once we got the wood-fired stove back into working order, the kitchen was functional and we could heat water. In a tiny shed outside the house were a sink and toilet, our bathroom and laundry. Besides the kitchen and a tiny lounge/dining area, we had two small rooms.

We wouldn’t have managed except for the help of Vati. We had nothing. Baby Greta was swaddled in a couple of Hansi’s old shirts and her nappies were only rags. Vati was a godsend, bringing my things from München. I couldn’t wait to see him but butterflies fluttered in my belly whenever I thought about how he’d react in person to Erich and our marriage.

‘Vati!’ I called, running to him as he pulled up next to the house, towing a trailer filled with household goods tied down with rope. In seconds I was in his arms. His smells were the same, tobacco still clinging to his jacket. The surrounding farmyard, the constant mud and the old farmhouse all faded away. I was safe, loved and protected.

‘I’ve been waiting to see you for so long. Letters are not enough. I wanted to see you with my own eyes, make sure you’re safe and well,’ murmured Vati. ‘It’s so good to finally be here with you.’ He had been ill in the months since he returned home and only recently strong enough to now visit us.

‘I’ve missed you so much,’ I whispered, hugging him tightly. He was thin and bony under my embrace. I looked at his face and realised that the last months of the war and his incarceration had taken their toll on him. He looked old now, frail even. His face was lined, his skin wrinkled and sagging. ‘How are you, Vati?’

‘Well enough,’ he said. ‘Mutti sent you some things she thought you might need. Something has come up and she couldn’t make it.’ He looked uncomfortable and wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘She promises to visit soon.’ My shoulders sagged with disappointment. I knew Mutti was still angry with me and wouldn’t come but I had hoped she might want to meet her first grandchild. I shouldn’t have expected anything else. In her eyes I couldn’t have fallen further, dirt poor and living like a peasant in a dilapidated farmer’s cottage surrounded by mud.

‘I’ve missed you more than I can say. Don’t worry about your mother. It will be all right, I promise you. I’ll bring her to visit you very soon, when you’ve set up your home.’ He kissed me on the head like he used to and I felt young and carefree again. ‘Now where’s that husband of yours? I want to meet my granddaughter.’