‘I can’t, Mutti,’ I said, shaking my head with regret.

‘Don’t be stubborn! Your father deserves to see you. Come home and then you can work out what you want to do.’ She must have seen the tears in my eyes because she softened, placing her hand on my arm. ‘Please… if you can’t do it for me, do it for Vati.’

A single tear spilled down my cheek. ‘I can’t leave him, Mutti. I’m pregnant.’

Mutti stared at me, shocked into silence, the letter falling from her hand. ‘You stupid girl. Now you’ve destroyed any chance of a future.’ She stood abruptly and whirled away, striding from the room in fury, leaving Vati’s letter on the table.

I crumpled into the chair, distraught. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Erich. I was overjoyed at this pregnancy. It allowed me to push past the misery that had lingered after the loss of my son. I knew that Mutti wanted only the best for me but she had stomped on my happiness. She had to get past her fear and let me live my life or it would destroy the closeness we had developed through our difficult times. But the thought of not seeing Vati now he’d been released was hardest of all. I didn’t dare travel with this pregnancy and truth be told, I wouldn’t leave without Erich. I was too afraid of what Mutti might do if we were apart. I dreamt of telling Vati my news in person and seeing his face light up when he realised that I was happy and that he was going to be a grandfather. I knew he liked Erich and would not be unhappy to have him as a son-in-law. Maybe I could visit him after the baby was born.

Erich was ecstatic when I told him the news, spinning me around with joy.

‘It’s wonderful!’

‘Are you sure?’ I said breathless. ‘It’s not the best timing. Things are still very tight and we’re not settled anywhere yet.’

‘It’s never the right time,’ said Erich, hugging me. ‘I have a job and we’ve promised to stay until Werner’s well enough to work. When that changes, we’ll work it out. Don’t worry.’ He kissed me on the mouth. ‘Come on, let’s tell the others.’

‘No, not yet. It’s too soon.’

‘No, it’s not! I want to tell the world.’ He grinned with excitement, reminding me of Hansi. ‘Besides, this time you have to rest. Everyone has to know so you don’t overdo it.’

In fact, Onkel Werner and Tante Susie were pleased. The boys whooped with joy at the thought of a tiny new cousin to fuss over.

Mutti returned home a week later, still furious with me. She refused to say goodbye but agreed to carry my letter to Vati, telling him of my news. Erich wanted to write to him too but Mutti would not have it. He decided to post his letter and hoped that Vati would receive it. I was surprised by how difficult it was to see my mother go but I was glad that she was going to Vati. She had missed him so much and her face was alight with joy at the thought of reuniting with him. I was finally beginning to understand what that might feel like.

17

The knock at the door was unexpected. It was late afternoon and already growing dark. The clouds had been building all day, promising another dump of snow through the night. It was February and we were in the heart of a bitterly cold winter, made worse by the lack of fuel and warm clothing. We were now into February and the weather hadn’t eased.

Onkel Werner sighed as he went to the door. He was probably relieved to have a break from supervising the boys’ homework while Tante Susie and I prepared the evening meal. Erich was still out with Dr Schrieber.

‘Can I help you?’ I heard Onkel Werner enquire as he opened the door.

‘Doctor Jüngst?’

‘Yes,’ said Onkel Werner.

‘You have to come with us.’

Tante Susie stopped chopping the vegetables and looked at me, puzzled, gesturing for me to be quiet.

‘Whatever for?’ asked Onkel Werner sharply.

‘You’re under arrest.’

My heart leapt to my mouth and I watched Tante Susie’s face blanch in fear.

‘Go to the boys,’ she whispered urgently before hurrying to her husband.

I rushed to where the boys were studying in the dining room as quietly as I could. Tante Susie would deal with whatever was happening at the front door. In the meantime, I would do all in my power to keep the boys calm and safe, out of harm’s way. If only Erich were here, he would know what to do.

‘I’ve done nothing wrong! What’s the charge?’ I heard Onkel Werner demand as I reached the dining table to see the shocked expressions on the pale faces of the boys. Hansi and Wolfgang were already standing, inquisitive little boys wanting to peek to see who was at the door. I pulled them to me, trying to protect them from the ugliness at the front of the house. I narrowed my eyes and pressed my lips tight. Shaking my head, I gave Peter and Ernst, the two older boys, my sternest expression. Please don’t move, I prayed.

‘You’re charged with being a filthy Nazi,’ spat one of the men. These men were German, I realised. Probably police appointed by the Americans to carry out their arrests. My skin crawled with dread. I held my breath so I could hear what was going on but Ernst’s eyes blazed with fury. I shook my head again.

‘He’s no Nazi!’ exclaimed Tante Susie. ‘He’s a well-respected local doctor.’

‘Exactly,’ said the first man. ‘All doctors have Nazi membership and must be reviewed by the board to assess their Nazi status. Until then, he has to come with us.’

Peter sat rigid in his chair, his face ashen. I tried to smile to reassure him but the smile died on my lips. Onkel Werner was in serious trouble.

‘But he only had the membership because it was the only way to get a job,’ argued Tante Susie desperately.

‘I was never an active member,’ said Onkel Werner.

‘The new regulations stipulate that anyone who stated in the Fragebogen that they had Nazi membership or affiliations must be arrested, pending assessment of their case. I’m afraid there is nothing you can do.’

That wretched survey. As part of the ‘denazification’ process, anyone wishing to do business in the American Zone had to answer one hundred and thirty-one questions that assessed political affiliations and levels of personal responsibility for war crimes. Onkel Werner had filled it out months ago, hoping to be allowed to return to work as a doctor.

Ernst jerked out of his chair. ‘No,’ I whispered, holding his arm. ‘You will only make it worse.’

He pulled his arm away with a thunderous expression but didn’t move further. Peter just looked petrified. A sharp burst of cold air rushed through the room.

‘No, please don’t take him,’ shrieked Tante Susie. I held onto Hansi and Wolfgang even tighter. Hansi squirmed.

‘It’s all right, Susie,’ said Onkel Werner. ‘Look after the children. Erich and Lotte will help you. I’ll be back home before you know it. Say goodnight to the boys for me.’

Trembling, I kissed the top of Hansi’s head to stop the gasp of horror from escaping from my lips.

The door shut with a thud. ‘No, no, no…’ moaned Tante Susie. Ernst and Peter glanced to me, eyes wide with disbelief.

I nodded and the boys and I rushed out to the hallway. We found her sitting on the floor by the door in shock.

‘Mutti!’ Wolfgang stepped towards his mother, ready to hurl his little body into her arms.

‘No, wait. Help me get your mother up,’ I said softly. I had no time to go to pieces. I had to be strong. The two older boys and I hauled Tante Susie to her feet. ‘All right, let’s get her to the parlour.’

We sat her gently in a lounge chair. Peter fluffed a pillow behind her back and laid a blanket across her knees but she stared into space, as if unaware of what was happening around her.

‘Is Vati going to be okay?’ asked Peter, his voice shaking with fear. ‘Where did the men take him?’

Wolfgang tugged at his mother’s sleeve. ‘What just happened, Mutti?’

Hansi began to cry. ‘Where’s Vati?’ he sobbed.

Tante Susie just stared at them, dazed.

‘Come on, boys,’ I said. ‘Let’s leave your mother be. How about we make her a cup of tea? Then you have to finish your homework.’

I dragged Hansi and Wolfgang out with me. Peter trailed behind while Ernst kissed his mother on the forehead, his face drawn in worry.

‘What will happen to Vati?’ asked Peter again, coming into the kitchen.

I turned and crouched beside the three boys. ‘Your father has to answer some questions about his time before the war. It’s just the law. All the doctors have to do it. He’ll be fine. Now let’s make that tea.’

*

Life went on. I knew Tante Susie worried over Onkel Werner but typical of my family, she did this privately and presented a no-nonsense, practical attitude to the world. She told the boys that their father would be home soon and that they would manage until that time, as they had done during the war. Erich took over the tutoring of the boys.

Tante Susie and I continued to run the household, although more and more of our time was spent searching for food. We would queue for hours in the snow, bundled in layers of clothes to stay warm. Often we would arrive during the night, the curfew finally lifted, to be among the first to receive whatever was available that day. We tried the surrounding villages and countryside too. Occasionally we were able to return with fresh milk or cream, butter or eggs, and a few times even a duck or chicken. Meat was becoming a rare commodity. We seldom ate it and when we did, we relished and used every last bit of it. Fat, cartilage, bones, feet, head and innards, nothing was wasted.