‘Did you?’ I grasped her hand tightly. I desperately needed for this to be okay.

‘No, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t.’ Her face was guarded and I didn’t feel reassured.

‘What else could it mean?’ My chest was tight with anxiety. I had to know what I was dealing with.

‘Have you been feeling out of sorts? Anything else out of the ordinary that you’ve noticed?’

‘I woke with a backache this morning that I haven’t been able to get rid of. If anything, it’s got worse. Does that have anything to do with it?’

‘It could.’ Mutti squeezed my hand, covering it with her other hand, as if she was trying to give me strength. ‘If the bleeding continues, it could mean that you will lose the baby,’ she said quietly, blue eyes levelling with mine.

Stifling a sob, panic propelled me forward. I threw my arms around her, resting my head on her chest, my blood loud in my ears. My mother drew me to her, her embrace a balm to my spiralling terror.

‘What can I do?’

‘Shh, shh.’ Mutti smoothed the hair from my face. ‘There’s nothing you can do but rest and pray that the bleeding stops.’

Slightly reassured, the thumping in my head started to fade. I wanted to stay in her arms like this forever. I couldn’t remember the last time Mutti had held and comforted me.

‘How long will it take?’ I whispered, feeling stronger now. If I could keep the bleeding at bay long enough, maybe I would be all right.

Mutti shrugged helplessly. ‘I don’t know. We can ask Onkel Werner. He’s a doctor after all…’

‘No Mutti! Not Onkel Werner.’

‘What about Dr Schrieber?’

I sat upright. ‘It’s okay. I’ll just rest for a little while. Hopefully it’s nothing.’

Mutti stared at me, her face creased in worry, then nodded. ‘Maybe that’s the best thing. You rest and I’ll bring you some tea.’ She stood and kissed me on the top of my head. ‘I won’t be long.’

Mutti brought me a cup of chamomile tea, propping me up on the pillows so that I was comfortable, and left me to rest quietly, promising to check on me. I sipped the tea absently, all the while willing the baby to be alright. Feeling better lying down, my backache barely noticeable and with no more bleeding, I was convinced that if I stayed still for a while, I would be fine. My panic had subsided. The trembling eased into jitteriness and then into a drowsy stupor. I was surprised to find my thoughts wandering on the edge of sleep, my eyes drooping and fluttering shut. I had been up early after all.

When I woke, I felt refreshed. Checking my watch, I was amazed to see that I had slept for about an hour. I never slept during the day but the rest seemed to have done me good. There was no backache and no wetness between my legs. I stretched and, feeling guilty about staying in bed any longer, I swung my legs over the edge.

I doubled over in agony as a sharp pain gripped my belly. Gasping, I sat gingerly back on the bed as the pain subsided, leaving behind a dull ache in my back. My thoughts still fuzzy from shock, all I could think was that I had got up too quickly. I stood again but carefully this time, holding my breath. The pain did not return. I blew out the breath I had been holding as I walked slowly to the door and turned the knob. I felt a gush of warmth down my legs. I reached between my thighs and when I removed my hand, it was sticky with blood.

‘Mutti!’ I screamed from the open doorway. I held onto the doorframe, too afraid to move.

‘It’s all right, we’ve got you.’ Capable hands held me on both sides and helped me walk shakily back to bed.

Minutes later, Tante Susie had pillows behind me and towels layered beneath me, while Mutti hovered over me anxiously. The pains began in earnest, each time holding my belly in a vice so tight I could barely breathe.

‘What’s happening?’ I asked between clenched teeth as another pain came on. My body was coiled tight with tension, muscles quivering. ‘The baby? Is it okay?’

‘Rest, conserve your energy,’ said Tante Susie, helping me to change position onto my side but there was no comfortable place – not in lying, sitting, standing or walking. The pain came regardless. It was relentless.

‘It will be all right,’ crooned Mutti, holding my hand tightly, so that the bones were squeezed painfully together.

‘Don’t leave me, Mutti,’ I pleaded. ‘Stay with me.’ Pain, confusion and bewilderment all collided within me. They hadn’t answered my question.

‘I’m here,’ she whispered. Her face was white as a sheet and her eyes were misty with tears. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

Then everything was washed away by the waves of agony that battered my body. My only desire was to ride it out and reach the other side. Survival took over as my world shrank to me and that pain. I would not die now. I had my whole life ahead of me.

I gasped for air, sucking it in greedily at the end of each wave, like a drowning woman bursting above the water. My body, trembling with exhaustion, sank against Tante Susie’s or Mutti’s hands. In between the pains, I rested in a daze. I had to keep my baby safe. Cool cloths wiped my hot and sweaty brow and soothing hands rubbed my aching belly and back. I turned my head at one stage to find Onkel Werner’s concerned gaze upon me but I had no time to be upset as another wave rose to greet me.

A middle-aged woman entered the room. Tante Susie greeted her and spoke to her in an undertone that I couldn’t hear, their eyes slipping to me every now and then. Mutti helped me into a sitting position as I recovered from another wave of pain. A feeling of dread settled in my belly, dropping like a stone. I clutched my mother’s arm, a bolt of fear giving me a moment of clarity.

‘Who’s that, Mutti? Why is she here?’

‘It’s only the midwife. She’s here to keep an eye on you, to make you comfortable and make sure you stay safe.’

‘I’m losing the baby, aren’t I? It’s too soon for it to be born. I’m only five months along.’

Mutti looked away, unable to keep my gaze. ‘I don’t know, Lotte. That’s why she’s here… To see what’s happening with you.’

‘I can’t lose this baby.’ My breath caught in my throat. ‘I have to keep my baby safe. I won’t let it happen.’ I started to tremble and could feel myself becoming hysterical, the panic and heat rising within me like a volcano ready to explode.

Mutti shook me. ‘Stop, Lotte. We don’t know yet. If she can stop your contractions, if you’re not too far, the baby might be all right, but my main concern is you.’

I stared at her stupidly, trying to make sense of her words.

Mutti shook me again. ‘Do you hear me, Lotte? I won’t lose you.’ She gathered me in her arms and hugged me tight, her tiny body wracked with sobs.

After another pain had come and gone, the midwife was introduced to me. She was a capable-looking woman with greying hair pulled back tightly into a bun. I wasn’t sure how to feel about her very personal questions as I shifted uncomfortably – embarrassed and irritated or relieved to have someone who could tell me what was wrong. But that was nothing compared to having my underwear removed and my nightdress hitched up around my hips to suffer the indignity of an examination between my pains. My cheeks flamed with mortification but I endured the poking and probing, every muscle strung tight. I had to know what was happening.

The midwife shook her head sadly.

‘I’m sorry, my dear. Your contractions are too long and close together. You’re too far into your labour now. Sometimes it happens very quickly like this and I can’t stop it. We have to let nature take its course.’ She patted me sympathetically on the hand.

‘You can’t do anything?’ I whispered, incredulous. I could feel the blood draining from my face.

‘Nothing for your baby. It’s too small to survive and its heartbeat is beginning to weaken. Your child will be stillborn, I’m afraid.’

‘That can’t be.’ I felt oddly detached. Frantically, I searched the eyes of Mutti, Tante Susie and then the midwife once again. They all told me the same thing. I felt sick to my stomach. This couldn’t be real. I had given up so much for this child to come into the world. I had wanted nothing more than to have my own family. It was all for nothing. ‘Why is this happening?’

‘Nobody can tell,’ said the midwife, shaking her head. ‘I’ve seen a number of pregnancies lost like this lately. Perhaps it’s the poor nutrition – there’s not enough food to eat and the baby just can’t thrive. I think much of your energy may have been used when you walked home after the war and the baby didn’t get enough of what it needed to grow properly.’

I stared at her for a moment, letting her words sink in. I twisted the sheet around my hands in frustration. It could be true but it still wasn’t fair. After everything we’d been through, this baby deserved to live. My heart dropped. How could I tell Erich? He’d already lost two children.

‘All I can do is watch that you come through childbirth healthy and well.’ The midwife’s voice, full of compassion and practicality, sounded a long way away. ‘We owe that to the ones you love, don’t we?’

Another contraction swelled within me. This time I gave in to its pain, overwhelmed by grief and hopelessness.

My cheeks were wet with tears when finally the contraction subsided. ‘No!’ I screamed with rage, glaring at the midwife. ‘I won’t give in. This baby has to make it.’ I pounded the bed in fury. ‘I have to stop these pains.’ I noticed the worried glances between the three women but I had no energy for those who didn’t believe in me. I had to focus on saving my child.

Minutes seemed like hours. The contractions were getting longer and closer together. Deep breaths became gasps, which became groans and wails of agony. With each contraction my fear that I was fighting a losing battle rose. My body was slick with sweat – my nightdress adhered to my skin and my hair was plastered to my forehead. In between, all I could do was shudder with exhaustion and anguish, my face wet with tears of hopelessness, aware that Mutti was by my side, wiping my brow and whispering words of encouragement. I didn’t know what was worse, the contractions or the moments of clarity when desolation overcame me. As time ticked by, hope ebbed away.