His eyes met mine, fire with fire. Then he bent to kiss me.

16

It was still dark when I got out of bed, trying not to wake Erich. Something had woken me. I didn’t know what, but I was uncomfortable. It was mild, so I threw on my dressing gown and quietly padded out to the garden, where I wouldn’t disturb anyone. Bathed in moonlight, I sat on the bench by the oak tree, relishing the quiet that surrounded me.

In the six weeks since the wedding, Windsheim had finally come under the American zone. The Wehrmacht was gone, as were many of the Nazi officials. The town was under curfew; this was part of the occupying force’s conditions of a defeated country, not a liberated one as many had hoped. The Americans had requisitioned Nazi property – homes, furniture, radios, supplies – but often this wasn’t enough and ordinary citizens were called on to supply the Americans’ needs. Numerous people were angry at the intrusion and disregard with which many were treated, the soldiers coming and going as they liked, taking what they wanted, at times without payment of any kind. Gardens were left empty when they could be used for vegetable growing. Damaged buildings were repaired and at times refurbished to suit the requirements of the American command in the town. Despite all the frantic activity, however, they had not yet managed to improve the lives of average German citizens like myself.

The American soldiers proved to be friendly enough. They would arrive by jeep at the end of the day to their claimed lodgings, where American flags often flew outside. Usually they would change out of their uniforms and come out to play ball with the local children, teaching them a game called baseball and handing out chocolate and sugar treats they called candy. However, the curfew restrictions were adhered to strictly. Nobody could be out between the hours of seven at night and six in the morning without a permit. Windsheim resembled a ghost town. It made me miss München, which had always been so lively, although I felt sure it was in a much worse state than Windsheim.

My thoughts wandered once again to my father, wondering if he was still there, living in our apartment safe and well, or if he had been interned in one of the prisoner-of-war camps. We still hadn’t heard from him and I was worried. Mutti fretted over him until she was almost sick. We hadn’t heard anything further about Heinrich either. I wasn’t looking forward to the day I came face to face with him.

I was glad that Erich was safe. The POW camp at the Illesheim Airpark had closed in July. The American air force controlled the base now, using it as a supply and maintenance centre, destroying our aircraft and military vehicles. All German forces had been formally discharged in June. Those without discharge papers were required to present themselves to the Americans, and most were sent to internment for processing. I thanked God Erich had secured his before leaving Riem. He no longer had to fear reprisals due to the Nazi affiliations that his rank generally held. It meant that we could move on with our lives – create some kind of existence within our occupied land.

Erich had work now, as a driver for Dr Schrieber, who had remained in Windsheim during the war, too elderly for active service. He had recently decided to give up driving, as his sight was failing him. Onkel Werner had helped Erich secure the job. We were very grateful for his recommendation to Dr Schrieber, who was a colleague and old mentor of Onkel Werner’s. Erich didn’t mind the work. Besides, he was kept busy: refugees streaming into Windsheim brought with them sickness and infectious diseases, which increased Dr Schrieber’s load. Erich told me that there were many new complaints that arose out of the poor nutrition that we all had suffered in the last months of the war. It was a problem that was going to take time to solve.

Little had changed so far, even with the Americans’ presence. Food was still scarce, despite the new rations brought into effect in June, and availability of staple foods could change within minutes. We were used to queues from the war days and it looked like this would remain a way of life for who knew how long. Clothes and household items were virtually impossible to find. Even with Erich’s small income providing for the household, there wasn’t much to buy.

There was a long way to go to rebuild our devastated country. The Americans had set up a military government and its focus seemed to be on security and dismantling the Third Reich, as we witnessed with the unscheduled house checks and requests to hand over weapons, ammunition, binoculars and radio transmitters. Large meetings of German citizens were also prohibited. Sometimes my translation services were called upon to ensure clear communication and smooth over tension in the town. My heart lurched when one of the Americans told me that in some towns, cameras had also been seized. Thank God in Heaven, not in Windsheim. I didn’t know what risk cameras posed as there was no film or chemicals to develop it but I hid my camera and film anyway.

A rooster began to crow in one of the adjoining yards. I shifted restlessly and glanced up. Stars still filled the sky, like diamonds encrusted on black silk. To the east, the black seemed lighter, the brilliance of the stars beginning to fade, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before dawn. The ache in my back was more pronounced, and I could no longer ignore it. Sitting was uncomfortable, so I began to pace around the garden. I heard the click of the back door and turned to see Erich dressed in a suit and fedora. He walked towards me, cutting a powerful but elegant figure, even out of uniform.

‘What are you doing out here?’ he asked, frowning.

‘I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I didn’t want to wake anyone, so I came out here. It’s quiet and peaceful, a nice change to the hectic days with those boys.’

Erich wrapped his arms around me, kissing me lightly. ‘Why don’t you go back to bed now that I’m up?’

‘No, I’m all right out here. I’d rather walk around for a while. It’s not cold and it’s the best time of morning. I’ll watch the sunrise. I love the way the light plays on objects at this time, giving everything a different dimension.’

‘You should go and get your camera. You have some of your father’s film left, don’t you?’

‘Mmm, that’s a good idea… maybe.’ I pulled away as I felt the urge to move again.

‘Are you okay, Lotte?’ asked Erich sharply. ‘Is something wrong?’

I shook my head and sighed. ‘No, I’m fine… just a bit uncomfortable and a sore back. I’m sure it will settle soon.’

Erich grasped my hand. ‘Come and I’ll make you a cup of tea before I go. Go back to bed and rest until everyone else is up. I’ll give your back a rub when I get home.’

‘Don’t be silly, I’m fine. I probably slept the wrong way. Hansi and Wolfgang will be up soon anyway. I’ll have something when I make their breakfast. Don’t worry.’ I squeezed his hand and kissed it before letting go.

Erich looked sternly at me. ‘Look after yourself. Your mother and Susie are quite capable of looking after those boys and the household. You still have that cough and you’re thin as a stick. The baby’s taking it out of you. I’ll try to find some extra milk this afternoon and maybe some honey. Rest today and conserve your energy.’

‘I’m fine,’ I snapped, although I knew he was right.

Erich held me by the shoulders, his green eyes searching mine, unperturbed by my irritation. ‘Promise me.’

‘I promise,’ I said to get him to stop. He pulled me into an embrace, hugging me tightly.

‘I would hate for anything to happen to you or the baby. You have to take care of yourself… It’s different now, there are two of you to think of.’ He kissed me again and released me, the frown of concern still on his face.

‘Have a good day,’ I murmured, although my focus was already inward, my attention fixed on the growing ache in my back.

The ache did not improve. I felt sapped of energy and dragged myself around while making the boys’ breakfast and cleaning the kitchen. I was putting away the last of the dishes when I noticed a sticky wetness between my legs. My skin prickled in apprehension. Surely nothing was wrong? I tried not to rush to the privacy of my bedroom but my breath was shallow and my heart was pounding with fear. A sob caught in my throat at the patch of bright red blood that stained my underwear. I stared in disbelief, then reality hit. ‘No,’ I moaned. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know what was wrong. Light-headed and giddy with fear, I searched frantically for Tante Susie but remembered she had gone to the market, leaving Mutti at home with the boys. Mutti still wasn’t speaking to me, but I needed her.

I found her in the parlour, sunlight streaming through the window, a pile of mending on the table next to her. I hesitated by the door, not sure how to begin.

‘Mutti,’ I said, my voice cracking with fear and panic.

Immediately her head shot up, concern in her sharp, blue eyes.

‘Mutti, I’m bleeding.’

She was on her feet in an instant, the mending dropped to one side. Her arm was around me. ‘Is there much? Is it bright red or dark?’

‘It’s only a little,’ I whispered, ‘but it’s bright red.’

‘Come then, let’s get you to your room.’ Her voice was low and soothing. She guided me to the bedroom, her arm still around me.

My shaking eased with her by my side. I didn’t have to go through this on my own. Mutti would know what to do. She would help me.

‘Up on the bed now,’ she said.

‘Is it bad?’

‘I don’t know.’ Mutti sat on the bed beside me, patting my hand. Her touch was cool and comforting. ‘Some women bleed through their pregnancy, some bleed just the once and have no problems.’