‘You can open them now,’ said Wolfgang, releasing my hand.

I opened my eyes to find myself at the oak tree at the bottom of the garden. Sitting on the bench under the canopy of new green leaves was Erich, grinning from ear to ear.

‘Come and sit down,’ said Hansi, guiding me to the seat. ‘Sit here next to Onkel Erich.’

I smiled, feeling shy. We had barely spent a moment together since our decision to marry. We were both kept busy, and it felt strange to be sitting side by side in the afternoon sunshine.

‘What’s this all about?’ I asked.

‘We have something for you, Lotte,’ said Wolfgang. He and Hansi rushed around the tree behind us.

‘I got it first,’ shouted Hansi.

‘No, I did,’ yelled his frustrated big brother.

‘Gently, boys,’ said Erich. ‘Remember to bring it together.’ The scuffling stopped and the boys reappeared as a united front looking angelic and carrying the parcel I had seen earlier.

‘This is for you,’ Wolfgang said triumphantly.

‘What is it?’ I asked, taking the parcel and feeling it carefully. It was firm but yielding under the paper.

‘It’s something special from Onkel Erich,’ said Hansi, jumping on the spot. ‘Come on, open it.’

I looked at Erich but he gave nothing away.

‘You’d better open it before the boys burst,’ he said, still grinning.

Slowly, I pulled at the string that held the paper together, winding it up to use again. I unwrapped the parcel, the paper crinkling as I straightened it out. Two little blond heads crowded in, trying to glimpse what was inside. Neatly folded black velvet lay in the paper. I ran my hand across it, the plush fabric soft against my skin.

‘It’s for your wedding dress,’ blurted Wolfgang.

I gasped. A thrill of spine-tingling exhilaration fizzed through me, raising the hairs on my arms.

The boys laughed at my surprise. ‘It’s a good surprise, isn’t it?’

‘It’s a fantastic surprise,’ I murmured, tears in my eyes. ‘Thank you, boys.’ I pulled them towards me, kissing each of them on the cheek.

‘All right, boys,’ said Erich, ruffling their heads as they squirmed out of my embrace. ‘Thank you for your help with the surprise. How about you let me talk to Lotte now?’

The boys were satisfied that they had executed the great surprise successfully and were happy to go.

‘Thank you,’ I said. Erich’s nearness after so many weeks made me feel faint. His eyes were magnetic, drawing me into their depths.

He leant in and kissed me, lightly at first but then with an increasing intensity that made it abundantly clear what was on his mind. I broke off the kiss, fearful of Onkel Werner’s ever vigilant eyes.

‘The children might be watching,’ I murmured.

‘But we’re engaged,’ protested Erich, a teasing smile lighting his face. ‘It’s my right and duty to kiss you.’

‘Not here,’ I whispered. ‘You know how tense things are already.’

Erich interlaced his fingers with mine, his hand warm and solid. ‘Another couple of weeks then,’ he said with a mock groan.

I squeezed his hand and nodded. My free hand brushed the velvet again. ‘The fabric is superb,’ I said softly. ‘Where did you get it?’

‘I knew you didn’t have anything to wear for our wedding day. I remembered you telling Bettina about the dress you had chosen in München and how excited you were.’

‘You heard that?’

‘I heard a good many things about your wedding plans. Bettina wasn’t exactly quiet, was she, especially when she was excited about something.’ He smiled ruefully. I smiled too. He was right.

‘And you remembered?’ I touched his face briefly, moved by his thoughtfulness. His stubble was soft and springy under my fingers. Razors were in short supply and men couldn’t shave every day. I quite liked Erich with the beginnings of a beard. It made him even more manly.

‘I tried to find white fabric or lace for you but all I could get was this black velvet. One of my customers had it lying around – their blackout curtains – and they were happy to part with it in exchange for some furniture repairs.’ He shrugged. ‘I hope there’s enough.’

I pulled the fabric out, allowing it to drape across my body. To me it was pure luxury. ‘It’s perfect and there’s more than enough.’ I grabbed his face and kissed him in my excitement. I laughed at his astonishment, his eyes wide with surprise.

‘I was worried about the black…’

I shook my head vigorously. ‘No! Black is wonderful.’ I wouldn’t think about the magnificent wedding gown I had chosen so long ago, wrapped lovingly and stored away, waiting patiently for me. ‘I always wanted a black dress but Mutti wouldn’t let me. She said it wasn’t appropriate for a girl my age – too risqué!’

‘Are you sure?’ His eyes held the desperate hope that he had done the right thing.

I wondered what I had done to deserve such a man. ‘Erich, the velvet is beautiful. It means I will have my own wedding dress. It’s more than I imagined. I’ll enjoy creating my own design and I will wear this dress with pride on our wedding day.’ I leant against him and he put his arm around me. ‘You’re so good to me.’

‘You deserve much more,’ he murmured, holding me close and kissing the top of my head. ‘I promise I’ll make it up to you.’

I didn’t know what to say, my head against his chest, and the steady beat of his heart lulling me into a sense of security. I wasn’t sure I deserved him at all.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t get you the dress you wanted,’ he murmured into my hair. ‘I didn’t want it to be like this. Your wedding day should be filled with joy.’ I pulled away and looked into his eyes, clouded with regret. He hung his head. ‘I know this is difficult for you. It isn’t want you wanted, but I want you to be happy.’

Grabbing his hands in my own, I brought them to my chest. ‘Don’t speak like that. This is something out of our control. We’re both alive, whole and healthy. We have clothes on our back, a roof over our head and you even have a job. Let’s make the most of what we do have. The rest doesn’t really matter any more. We’re both different from who we were a year ago. The world has changed and so have we.’ I kissed each of his knuckles fervently. ‘My family is what matters most.’ I gently placed his hands over the swell of my belly. ‘It’s just the three of us now.’

*

Staring at my reflection in the mirror before we made our way to the registry office, I hardly recognised myself. The short, puffed sleeves and figure-hugging bodice of the dress I had made showed how thin I was. My body and face were all angles except for the soft thickening of my waistline and glowing skin. In another time, pregnancy would suit me.

I traced the line of the V neck that allowed room for the swell of my breasts. My finger left a trail of silver in its wake – light and dark, just like my emotions. My eyes travelled further over the slightly gathered waist, hiding any tell-tale swelling, and a tailored skirt that fell below my knees. The dress was simple and elegant, yet demure. I was pleased with the result. It wasn’t the gown I had wanted a lifetime ago, but these were different times and I had become someone else. A pang of regret and sadness shuddered through me and then it was gone. I smoothed my hair, behaving itself today, and pinned one side away from my face. I had decided to wear it free, shoulder length again and still streaked with strands bleached from weeks in the sun.

I had my summer wedding. It wasn’t what I had imagined this day would be like, but then again, I never imagined my marriage would have such immediate and life-changing consequences – keeping my husband safe from homelessness and internment, giving our child legitimacy and some kind of stability. However, I couldn’t shake thoughts of Heinrich, as if he were standing silently behind me, observing my actions with an expression of reproach and deep sorrow. Wherever he was, I hoped he would understand, but I knew in my heart that he could never forgive me for what I was about to do.

*

Sunlight streamed through the registry office window, slowly warming the chill morning air.

‘Are you ready?’ Erich whispered. His hand rested on my shoulder, heavy and reassuring, as we waited for the proceedings to begin.

‘Yes,’ I said, trembling, and not just from the cold. Staring at the registry desk at the front of the room, my body clenched tight and anxiety spiked through me once again. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. My eyes widened with fear and my heart was racing. This was my last chance to back out, to run away like a spooked filly.

Erich put his arm around me, leaning in close to whisper into my ear, ‘It will be all right.’ His warmth soothed my rigid body and calmed my trembling. ‘Whatever happens, we can do this together. We’ve been through so much already. I know we can do this too.’

‘I know,’ I said quietly. I did my best to smile but it spluttered and failed like a flame struggling to stay alight. Erich stepped back a little, his eyes wandering over me, glinting with appreciation, his face unguarded, showing me what he thought of my bridal attire.

‘You are breathtaking. Black suits you and that velvet against your white skin… well I shouldn’t tell you what I’d like to do.’ He smiled at me, slow and deliberate.

The breath caught in my throat and the fire within me erupted into life, melting my taut muscles and sinews, the heat rising up my throat and blazing into my cheeks. He never failed to make me feel this way, this uncontrollable fire we shared.

‘You look very handsome too,’ I murmured, blushing further. Erich wore an ill-fitting suit borrowed from Onkel Werner but he still cut a dashing figure. I couldn’t believe I was standing here, ready to marry him. Remembering back to the day I had first met him and how I was falling over myself in his presence and now, here we were. It didn’t seem real.