Onkel Werner looked at Mutti, cold and emotionless. ‘I’m not forcing her to do anything. If she’s grown up enough to get herself into this situation, then she’s grown up enough to make her choice. She’s brought this problem here, under my roof. It affects us all now.’
I could feel the tension mounting in my mother, wanting to leap across the table at him. I didn’t know how to feel – outraged, ashamed, regretful or humiliated. I wanted to leap across the table myself. I could see Erich was very still and wary, body coiled in tension, ready to respond.
‘It was a very romantic proposal, Lotte,’ Onkel Werner said, ‘but the decision is yours. Think carefully because once you’ve chosen your bed, you have to lie in it.’
‘You can’t turn Erich away. You know what will happen to him.’ Although my blood was boiling with anger, it was essential I remain calm to have any chance of bargaining with my uncle. ‘I have to marry Heinrich. I made a promise to him. I will leave as you have asked, so I no longer pose any problem to you and your family, but I beg that you allow Erich to remain here until it is safe for him to go.’
‘I have made my decision and I will not waver,’ said Onkel Werner. ‘Now you must make your decision.’
I felt stripped to the bone, the vestiges of my old life torn from me. But there was only one decision. Heinrich would manage without me and even Mutti would cope with Vati by her side but Erich would not. If he was thrown out with nowhere to go and picked up by the Americans… especially if his child and I were lost to him after all the losses he had endured. He was the only one in danger now.
I squeezed my mother tight, taking in every detail of that hug, feeling the long elegant lines of her body, the French perfume that lingered on her clothes, her soft breath on my neck. This might be the last time I would hold her.
With the bonds of my social and family obligations now in shreds, desire welled within me for my own family, one nobody could take away from me. With Erich, I could make that family. Together we could lavish love on this baby, make decisions about our future, and I could be loved, cherished and respected. Perhaps this was right after all. This was my chance to live on my terms no matter how I had envisioned it before. A surge of joy rushed through me. I released my mother, kissing her gently on the cheek.
‘I will marry you, Erich,’ I said, turning to him and smiling.
He broke out into a huge grin, his eyes shining with elation.
Mutti slapped my face, leaving a burning streak on my cheek. ‘You will not,’ she hissed. Her eyes burned with wrath, her fury unleashed.
‘Mutti, I love you, but I have to,’ I said, holding my scalding face.
‘If you marry him, I never want to speak to you again.’
‘Please, Mutti,’ I whispered desperately. ‘Don’t make me choose between the two of you. He’s the father of my child. If he walks out that door, I may never see him again. I can’t carry his imprisonment, his injury or his death on my conscience. He’s a good man. He will be a good husband and a good father to your grandchild.’
She turned her face away from me. ‘I hope you can live with your decision because the day you marry him, you’ll never see me again.’
15
The fear of what I was about to do threatened to overwhelm me during the month leading up to my wedding to Erich. All I wanted to do was run away. More than once I entertained the notion of sneaking off to the address that Tante Susie had given me but the thought of what I would have had to do far outweighed any improvement to my circumstances. I would still have had to marry Erich – my uncle insisted upon it. I had placed our family in a scandalous position. I had been alone with a man for weeks while travelling to Windsheim. In Onkel Werner’s eyes that was enough to cast aspersions on my character. Because of that, Erich had no sanctuary unless I married him.
My decision put me in an impossible position. I tossed and turned most nights, nausea my constant companion, trying to find a way out of my situation, but always coming back to the facts. I woke most mornings listening to Mutti’s soft breathing as she slept in the bed next to me and to sounds of the boys and Tante Susie preparing for the day. It was a fleeting moment when I felt that life was as it should be. Then my tender breasts reminded me of my condition.
There wasn’t much to organise, unlike the preparations for my wedding to Heinrich. The legalities required us to lodge our intention to marry with the civil registry office in Windsheim a month beforehand. Erich faced the heart-breaking task of signing an affidavit declaring the death of Inga and his children. Mutti had begged me time and time again to think about what I was doing but from the day we registered, she refused to speak to me. In fact, she barely acknowledged anyone except the boys. She moved silently about the house, speaking only when she had to, continuing to pull her weight in the household with an air of martyrdom and disdain etched across her features. I know she missed Vati and his support, wondering where he was and if he was safe, as did I. But Mutti and I were now worlds apart and we could not turn to each other for comfort.
I had nothing but the two dresses I had brought from the kloster, both worn and neither fitting well. I thought wistfully of my wedding dress, wrapped lovingly and boxed in my wardrobe in München, waiting for Heinrich to come home.
One day, while I was helping prepare the lunchtime meal, I noticed Erich return from delivering some furniture that he had repaired. He had a parcel tucked under his arm and he looked smug and very pleased with himself. The younger two boys, waiting restlessly for him, descended on him as he came through the door. Hanging off one arm, they demanded to know what was in the parcel.
‘Shh,’ I heard him whisper, ‘it’s a surprise.’
‘A surprise for who?’ asked Wolfgang in a voice that wasn’t very quiet at all.
‘Is it for us?’ said Hansi, breathless with excitement.
‘I’m afraid not,’ said Erich. The boys sighed with disappointment. ‘But maybe you can help me with it. If you can promise to keep it a secret for now.’
The boys giggled and I guessed they agreed, because all I could hear were hushed murmurings until Erich said in a loud voice, ‘Off you go now, boys, you know what to do.’
‘What are those boys up to now?’ asked Tante Susie, cutting the potatoes.
‘Some mischief that Erich’s concocted.’ I kept the washed potato skins. I could fry them up in the evening for another meal.
‘He keeps them amused, that’s for sure. He’s good with children… he’ll make a good father.’
‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘It just isn’t the way I’d planned my life.’
Tante Susie put down her knife and turned to me. ‘I know you and Heinrich have been friends for many years and that both families expected you to marry.’
‘I promised him and both our families,’ I said, tears in my eyes. ‘I don’t break my promises.’
‘In normal times I would agree but these are not normal times. Heinrich’s a lovely boy but you don’t need a boy, you need a man, someone who can give you what you require. I never did think you were the right match.’
‘I don’t want to hurt him – he’s my best friend. He’ll never forgive me.’
‘He’s always done what his mother told him. Maybe this will allow him to do what he wants. Have you thought about that?’
I shook my head. ‘He had our lives planned out already.’
Tante Susie squeezed my arm. ‘That’s what was expected of him. Maybe he never knew any better, but the war has changed all of us. Nothing is what it used to be.’
‘But he loves me and I love him.’
‘What do either of you know of love?’ She stopped at the confusion on my face and nodded knowingly. ‘Maybe you do now.’
‘I don’t,’ I said miserably. ‘All I know is that I feel different with Erich. He understands me, he makes me light up… he makes me feel special… but he’s fifteen years older than me.’
‘Yes,’ she said a little impatiently. ‘Erich is a man, older, wiser and, from watching him, I agree that he understands how you think and feel. He may not be your mother’s choice of husband but look where marrying your father, someone from the right family, got her. Then she fell in love with Johann and was lucky that he’s from a good family too. He adores her, like I can see Erich adores you. He respects your mother and allows her to be the person she is. He brings out the best in her. I think it might be the same for you and Erich.’ She filled the pot with water and turned back to me, her brown eyes soft and sincere. ‘I think you’re marrying the right man.’
‘Thank you, Tante Susie.’ I threw my arms around her.
‘It’s all right, dear.’ She patted me on the back. It was comforting and just what I needed. ‘Don’t worry about your mother, she’ll come around.’
At lunch, the boys seemed fidgety and Erich had a half-smile on his face, like he knew something nobody else did.
When we had finished clearing the table they disappeared in a rush and Tante Susie raised her hands in a ‘who knows what they’re up to’ expression but she let them go. Mutti remained sullen as ever.
When the dishes were done, Hansi and Wolfgang reappeared, grabbing me by the hands.
‘You have to come with us,’ they said, hopping from foot to foot.
‘Where are we going?’
‘Just come with us,’ Wolfgang insisted, pulling my arm.
‘You have to close your eyes,’ said Hansi.
‘Fine,’ I said, laughing.
The boys led me carefully into the garden, my eyes cracking open a little to make sure I didn’t run into anything. I shut them quickly whenever the boys looked up at me.
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