I could see Mutti had a quick and angry retort on her lips as her jaw clenched with the effort of restraint. ‘Do you love him?’ she said instead. I saw a flash of pity and pain in her brilliant blue eyes.

I hesitated, not sure what to say. ‘I don’t know… maybe.’ My mouth was dry. ‘What I feel for him is very different from what I feel for Heinrich.’

Mutti sighed, her face crumpling in sorrow briefly before setting into stiff resolution, her eyes steely once again. ‘It doesn’t matter anyway,’ she said brusquely. ‘I’ll look into making the arrangements as quickly as possible. You keep your condition hidden and your mouth shut. You marry Heinrich as soon as he returns home and I will say nothing to Erich, but don’t expect me to be pleasant to him.’

‘All right, Mutti.’ One part of me was quaking in terror that my secret was out, one part horrified at what I had agreed to do to this life growing inside me. Another part was relieved that my mother was going to help me through this. There was no going back now. My primary concern was to keep Erich safe, just as my mother was ensuring my safety. I would keep my promise to Heinrich and make my mother happy. It was nothing more or less than what Erich expected. Yet I couldn’t shake the fierce protectiveness I felt for this child – Erich’s child. It was the greatest sacrifice I had ever had to make. I didn’t know if it would break my heart in two, part of me ripped away and forever missing, but it was something I was prepared to risk.

A week later, everything was organised. Despite my reservations, Mutti had enlisted the help of Tante Susie, who knew everybody in Windsheim and knew how to make discreet enquires. Mutti had told her that I refused to name the father, preferring that nobody knew about Erich. Susie was a little more sympathetic than my mother, but agreed that this was the right solution to the problem.

The plan was that I would convalesce at home, keeping to my bedroom for a day or two, using the excuse that I was unwell. My cough was not better, I barked like a hoarse dog in the mornings and the cool evenings and sometimes struggled to get my breath. It was a plausible enough excuse that would keep my cousins from annoying me, and keep Erich from asking questions. I was relieved that Mutti and Tante Susie could keep an eye on me, as I was nervous about the procedure and the potential risks of complications. But I was more worried that taking this irrevocable step would change me forever too.

14

Every morning and night until my appointment, lying in bed, listening to the peaceful rise and fall of Mutti’s breath next to me, I wondered again what it would be like to be a mother. I felt the hardness above my pubic bone as I did, imagining the little child forming within me. Part of me wanted this child so badly. A child I would lavish all my love and attention on, unlike my own childhood and difficult relationship with my mother. I thought about what it would be like to be part of a loving family, what it might be like if I told Erich the truth. I would never force him into something, especially as that was what had happened with Inga. I would rather be on my own but how would I manage to raise a child? I doubted Mutti would help me if I made that choice. I doubted Heinrich, who was very proud and stubborn, would accept a child who was not his. A child born out of wedlock would break my father’s heart. But I remembered what it was like after my parents divorced, and I decided I couldn’t do this alone. I couldn’t see an alternative solution.

Onkel Werner arrived home unexpectedly just before my appointment. After serving with a medical corp within the Heer, he had been released by the Americans. He was gaunt, thin and bedraggled but he greeted us with joy, lighting up the house with his larger-than-life personality. The boys were all over him and for once he didn’t discipline them, laughing at their exuberance, while Tante Susie hugged him tight, tears of relief and happiness sliding down her face. He welcomed Erich into his home, thanking him for bringing me safely. I was relieved when he offered for him to stay as long as he needed, understanding what our journey had been like. I noticed Mutti’s eyes narrow but she kept her promise and didn’t say a word.

Early in the morning the day after he returned, a knock startled me out of the merry-go-round of my thoughts and woke Mutti, who shuffled restlessly in her bed. Tante Susie’s dark head poked around the door.

‘We need to talk.’ Closing the door behind her with a gentle click, she came into the room and sat on the end of my bed.

Immediately I sat up. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘What’s this all about?’ croaked Mutti.

To my horror, Tante Susie started to cry. Besides last night, I had never seen her cry before. ‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered.

‘What’s happened, Susie?’ demanded my mother.

‘It’s Werner. He’s found out about Lotte’s condition and he’s furious.’

I stiffened, feeling the blood drain from my face, making me woozy. This was not supposed to happen.

‘How?’ Mutti leant back into her pillows, her eyes wide, mirroring the shock I was feeling.

‘He saw the slip of paper I wrote the name and the address of the doctor on. It was in my bedroom.’ Her large brown eyes pleaded forgiveness from Mutti and me. ‘With all the excitement of him coming home, I forgot to hide it. The address made him suspicious and he wanted to know what it was for. You know how insistent he can be. I couldn’t lie to him. I thought he’d understand.’ She covered her face with her hands.

‘What did he say?’ My mother was deathly calm and that worried me.

‘He wants to talk to Lotte as soon as she gets up.’ She threw a look of despair and apology at me. ‘I’ll do what I can to smooth this over.’

I began to tremble with fury. It wasn’t Onkel Werner’s business.

‘Well, she’s not talking to him without me there. Our plans can’t be changed now. He has to know that and the three of us have to be firm together,’ hissed Mutti, glowering at Tanta Susie.

‘It will be all right, Mutti.’ My stomach was churning, nausea blossoming from the tiny kernel in my womb. All I could focus on was not being sick. ‘We’d better get it over with. After I go to the bathroom.’

I got up without saying any more. I couldn’t look at Tante Susie. I heard my mother speak as I closed the bedroom door behind me.

‘I can’t believe you betrayed us, Susie… I hope you haven’t ruined her life. You’d better fix this or I’ll never forgive you.’

I didn’t hear my aunt’s reply as another wave of nausea swept over me and I rushed to the bathroom.

Standing in front of Onkel Werner was mortifying. I felt like a small child in trouble. I waited, listening to the clock’s methodical ticking. Sitting at the head of the dining table, he sipped the chamomile tea Tante Susie had made him in the hopes of calming him down. At least Erich was out the back, building something with the boys in the garden shed. Mutti stood by my side.

Finally, Onkel Werner put down his cup. ‘Is it true, Lotte? Are you pregnant?’ He held up his hand. ‘Now, before you answer, I can tell if you are lying. If you lie to me, I will put you and your mother as well as Erich out on the street. Do you hear me?’

I started to shake, intimidated by his threat. ‘Yes, Onkel.’

‘Yes to what?’

‘Yes, I won’t lie…’ I looked down at my feet for a moment but decided I’d had enough of being ashamed. I lifted my head defiantly. ‘Yes, I am pregnant.’

He nodded, satisfied. ‘Do you know who the father is?’

‘No, Werner. That’s not necessary,’ interjected Tante Susie, hovering beside him, wringing her hands.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ agreed my mother. ‘It won’t be a problem for much longer.’

‘I’ll be the judge of that. Have any of you thought about the danger? She could die and I would never forgive myself. Besides, what you women want to do is a crime. If she gets caught, it comes back to me, and I will not put my family in jeopardy.’

‘What else can we do?’ stammered my mother, her face creased in distress.

My uncle ignored her. ‘Were you raped?’

‘No, Onkel.’ My face flooded with colour. I had never felt so humiliated. I wanted to run away but I knew that my uncle would never allow me back in the house and Erich would be thrown out too once he knew the truth.

‘So I ask you again. Do you know who the father is?’

My mouth was dry. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

‘Please don’t make her do this,’ pleaded my mother.

Onkel Werner’s stony face relaxed momentarily, as realisation hit him. He leant forward as if to emphasise his next words. ‘Remember, you promised me the truth. Now tell me, is Erich Drescher the father?’

‘Yes,’ I whispered.

Tante Susie sighed, shaking her head. We hadn’t told her about Erich but she must have guessed. Truthfully, it wasn’t hard to work out, especially when they knew we had travelled home together.

‘This is the man to whom your father entrusted you. The man he asked to get you home safely. Is this right?’ He looked at my mother.

‘I never liked him, but Johann saw something in him. There was no other choice for Lotte’s journey home and he has brought her safely to us.’

‘Safe maybe, but soiled.’

I hid my face in my hands for a moment, dying of shame. I wanted to curl into a ball so small that I would become invisible.

My mother was red with outrage. ‘Don’t you dare, Werner,’ she hissed.

‘Come now, Werner,’ said Tante Susie, placing her hand on her husband’s shoulder. ‘Is that necessary? Lotte is a good girl and has been through a lot to get here. These are extraordinary circumstances and she made an error of judgement. Surely you don’t think she should be punished for that?’