‘It’s not right having him here,’ spat my mother, banging a spoon on the bench.

‘Johann sent him,’ retorted Susie. She handed me turnips and peeled onions. ‘He brought your only child home safely to us. Surely that’s enough to trust in him?’ She turned to me, her knife waving in the air. ‘Do you have a problem with him being here?’

‘No. He’s got nowhere else to go,’ I said. ‘His family is dead and I’m worried that if he leaves now, the Americans will find him and send him to a prison camp and if they believe he’s a Nazi…’

My mother mumbled something under her breath but we ignored her.

‘Yes, he’s a good man and he doesn’t deserve that.’ Tante Susie picked up the discarded spoon and began frying the onions in a pan. ‘He stays until he wants to go or until Werner returns home and that’s the end of it.’ She stared at my mother. ‘He’s under my roof and I don’t want to hear any more about it.’

As life settled back into some kind of normalcy, I realised I hadn’t bled for nearly three months. At first I thought it was from the stress of having to leave München and Riem, then the arduous conditions while travelling. Then I thought back to the old woman. I didn’t know too much about pregnancy and its symptoms but I had to face the truth. I was pregnant.

That realisation made me woozy and nauseous all at once. What was I going to do? I couldn’t have this baby. It would be seen as a disgrace by my family, scandalous and unacceptable.

My mother had been onto me already about setting the plans for my wedding to Heinrich back in motion as soon as was practical. Her face lit up as she explained to Tante Susie yet again – and in front of Erich – that Heinrich was safe in Denmark. She hoped for a wedding sometime soon and what a wonderful event it would be. I was mortified that she would do that but how could she possibly know what was between Erich and I? All I could do was whisper my apologies to him when we were momentarily alone. Erich could see how my mother got under my skin but he didn’t really understand my frustration. He thought I should be happy to be back at home and I was, but I had changed and sometimes I found it hard being under my mother’s influence, putting up with her domineering ways and inflexible opinions.

Under any other circumstances, I would have welcomed Mutti’s conversations. I loved Heinrich and was overjoyed that he was alive. I was promised to him. My duty was to him. It was what I had assured Erich I would do when the war was over and Heinrich came home to me. Besides, Heinrich could give me the secure future I was looking for. I could see already that life in Germany would be difficult for years to come – and would only be made harder with a husband who couldn’t find work in his chosen profession. I owed it to any children I did have to give them a good home, a good education and a stable life. That meant financial security. But the way things stood, I didn’t see how I could marry Heinrich. He would never accept me like this, accept what I had done. The reality of my situation made me wish I could curl up into a tiny ball and disappear. I couldn’t lose everything our families had worked for, everything that Heinrich and I had been.

I felt trapped, like a bird in a cage. I had to find a way free.

Tears of frustration, longing, desperation and pain sobbed quietly into my pillow left me empty and hollow. It was an impossible choice. This was Erich’s child, perhaps his only surviving family. He would be a good father. The thought of this child tying us together didn’t upset me, it gave me joy. It was my link to him, my chance to be with him. I had often wondered what it might be like if we stayed together after the war. But how did I know that he would welcome the news? A love affair was one thing but a family to care for was entirely another. Did he really want another mouth to feed when he had no job?

We still hadn’t heard from Heinrich. I didn’t know when he was coming home or if he was coming home at all. I couldn’t raise a baby on my own with food so short and an uncertain future.

I had heard stories from the girls at work. I knew what I had to do. Some discreet enquiries and probably a journey to Nürnberg. It was the only way I could marry Heinrich and live the life we had planned together. But although I knew there was no time to waste, I couldn’t make that decision. It was too final, too devastating and I wasn’t sure I could do it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

It all came to a crashing end before I could make any decision – my mother walked in on me washing. Although the door was shut, the lock had broken. I was only wearing my underwear and my condition was clear to anybody who knew what to look for. My breasts, lined with thick blue veins, had overfilled my brassiere, and my waist was beginning to thicken and change its shape. Although my belly was still flat, it was bloated and beneath it, I had felt the hardness that grew bigger with each week. I tried to hide the evidence from her, draping my dress over me.

‘My dear God,’ whispered my mother. ‘Are you pregnant?’

I stared at her, not sure what to say, my face flaming with shame.

My mother sagged against the closed door, her face ashen. ‘What have you done?’

‘Mutti,’ I said desperately. ‘It’s nothing. I’ll be fine.’

‘You call this nothing?’ she hissed, her eyes burning with anger. ‘How far gone are you?’

My heart pounding in my chest, I gazed at the pattern the tiny blue bathroom tiles made, weighing up my options. I wanted to lie but it was hard to be believable when she clearly understood what she saw in front of her.

‘When did you do this?’

I stared blankly at her.

‘When did you lie with the man who did this to you?’ She put her hand across her mouth in obvious distress. ‘Were you raped?’

‘Nein, Mutti!’ I couldn’t hurt her like that to protect Erich and hide my culpability. I sank to the edge of the bath next to her. My head was spinning. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

‘Put your dress back on, in case someone else comes in.’

Hastily, I shrugged my dress over my head, Mutti tugging it down over the offending parts.

‘So, tell me.’

‘It only happened the once… on my birthday. I’m so sorry, Mutti. I never imagined this would happen.’ Tears slipped down my cheeks as I stared at my bare feet.

Mutti sighed. ‘Not yet three months… well, that explains a lot… We’ll have to get rid of it.’

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. I had been contemplating this solution but for my mother to raise it without emotion shocked me.

‘Who’s the father?’

I didn’t want to tell her, afraid of what she might do. Erich had nowhere else to go. I remained silent.

My mother peered into my face. ‘Is it Erich?’ She must have seen the truth in my eyes. ‘I’m going to kill that man with my bare hands.’

‘Stop, Mutti!’ I grasped her arm. ‘I’ve been frantic with worry, trying to work out what to do.’

Her gaze softened a little. ‘Does he know?’

I shook my head.

‘That makes it easier, but I want him gone. Do you hear me?’ Her eyes were like ice now, cold and unyielding.

‘No, Mutti.’ I was shaking with terror. ‘This was a mistake, but don’t send Erich away. He’ll end up in a prisoner-of-war camp. I can’t do that to him.’

‘It’s more than he deserves and less than what I’ll do to him.’

‘Please, Mutti.’ I was pulling on her arm, begging her now, tears running down my face. ‘I’ll do anything you want. Please don’t send him away. Who knows what the Americans will do to him?’

‘You won’t have this baby and he can’t stay here.’ She had me by the shoulders now, shaking me like a rag doll. ‘You will marry Heinrich. Do I make myself clear?’

‘Mutti! Don’t do this.’

She dropped her arms and took a deep breath. ‘Don’t you understand, Lotte? The reason I always wanted you to marry Heinrich? He’s a good man from a good family but more than that, I know he’ll protect you and keep you safe. He’s dependable, reliable and can give you a good life. He loves you. Why do you continually have to fight me? It’s the only way I can ensure you are cared for. You are all I have left. I couldn’t bear if anything ever happened to you.’ She caressed my face, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Understanding clicked into place. This was something I had known deep in my heart but now that Mutti had said it out loud, all her arguing and manipulating made sense. She loved me with a fierce intensity and would do anything to keep me safe. Just as I would do anything to keep Erich safe. I couldn’t let my mother or Erich down.

‘I promise to do as you say.’

Mutti’s shoulders relaxed imperceptibly.

Shakily, I took a deep breath. I had to do this. It was the only way. ‘I know my future is with Heinrich but Erich stays until it’s safe for him to go.’

‘This is too much. You will do as I say and he goes today. That’s the end of it.’

‘I’ll marry Heinrich at the first opportunity we get and this will be like it never happened, but it you ask Erich to leave, I’ll tell everyone that I’m pregnant.’

That stopped her in her tracks. She was shaking now. ‘How dare you!’

I held her gaze, quivering on the inside but outwardly steadfast and calm. I had to stay strong. I had to keep going to get what I wanted.

‘It’s a deal. We both get what we want and Erich stays until it’s safe for him to leave. I will never see him again after that but I will not be the one who sends him to prison and further misery. He was the one who protected me and brought me safely back to you despite the risk to himself. It’s the least I can do for him.’