I read the hastily scrawled words again. Vati had found Heinrich.

‘Heinrich is working as a military medic in one of the refugee camps in Denmark. From what I understand he is unhurt and well. He was evacuated by boat from East Prussia, along with a number of Wehrmacht units and many civilians. I will do whatever I can to hasten his return home.’

Tears welled in my eyes. Heinrich had survived the Eastern Front and was safe. I felt an enormous weight lift off me, and a rush of elation erupted within me, making me weak with joy. Heinrich was coming home to me!

‘Excuse me,’ I said, rising from my seat, the letter clutched to my chest. Marissa nodded sympathetically. I suppose she was thinking that I wanted some privacy to release my relief and joy in tears. It’s true. I did want to cry for joy. In fact, I could hardly keep my bottom lip from wobbling and I was blinking the tears away furiously. I rushed to the bathroom and barely made it to a stall before I vomited the contents of my stomach most violently into the toilet.

Wiping my face, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was pale, my eyes wide with shock. My skin felt clammy, although the nausea had ebbed away. I watched the grin on my face grow wider. He was safe. It wouldn’t be long before this war was over and we could return to the life we had put on hold.

Congratulations and smiles greeted me as I walked back to my desk. I felt light as a feather, as if I were walking on air. Stories of joy were far and few between by this time but I noticed a few envious and wistful faces with the announcement of my news.

I thought it was only fair to tell Erich the news. My feelings of joy dissipated like fragrant flowers on the wind. I stared at the work in front of me, shuffling papers about but getting little done, my guilt and anxiety climbing. My duty and commitment to Heinrich outweighed my feelings for Erich but I realised that I couldn’t imagine life without Erich. Heinrich was my future. He had been through so much; I couldn’t cause him more pain. I had to make a clean break from Erich. It was the only thing to do.

Nausea bloomed in my belly as I approached Erich at his desk. His head was bent over his work, a cigarette sitting on his ashtray. It was better done here, in full view of everyone.

He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows expectantly. ‘You wanted something?’

My mouth felt dry and I fidgeted with the seam of my skirt. I stared at him, suddenly unsure that I wanted to do this. It would hurt him and crush any hopes he had of us being together.

‘Are you all right?’

I nodded and swallowed, feeling the bile rise to my throat. ‘I just received a letter from my father.’

Erich’s expression changed to one of concern. He put down his pen. ‘Has something happened?’

‘No, my parents are fine,’ I said quickly.

‘That’s good.’

I knew I had to say it now before I lost my nerve. I took a breath. ‘My father’s found Heinrich. He was evacuated from East Prussia and is in Denmark. He’s fine, working as a medic in one of the refugee camps.’

There was a heavy stone in my stomach as I watched for his reaction.

Steepling his fingers together, Erich smiled but it did not reach his eyes. ‘I’m very happy for you, Fräulein von Klein. Is there anything else you wanted?’

‘No,’ I said, my cheeks burning. ‘I just thought you’d like to know. I’ll get back to work.’ I whirled around before he could say any more, before he could see the tears in my eyes.

I avoided Erich as much as possible after that, only speaking to him when strictly necessary. I didn’t think I could feel more miserable. I had hurt him and he had only ever been good to me. A great knot had formed in my gut, twisting and turning, making me nauseous whenever I thought about it or saw him. I became light-headed and dizzy, my skin clammy and I began to ache all over. I had heard about people making themselves sick with worry but this was ridiculous. I took to sleeping as much as I could as a way to avoid my pain and get over whatever was ailing me.

As more staff evacuated the airfield, the tension rose among those who stayed. The Russians were fighting to occupy Berlin and the Americans were nearly in München. Adolf Galland announced that his unit would move to the Maxlan airfield near Salzburg. It was time for the remaining units and staff to leave.

Erich sought me out. I was sitting in the dining hall, staring at my soup, not sure that I wanted it. He slid into the seat next to me.

‘We have to talk,’ he said urgently.

‘What about?’ I asked, pushing my bowl away. I didn’t want to talk about Heinrich or about us.

‘We have to leave. I have to get you to safety.’

His face was lined with worry, and it looked like he hadn’t slept much in days. Past the concern, within the depths of his luminous green eyes, I still saw fire burning brightly – his fire for me. My heart raced and I broke into a fine sweat. My response to him was automatic, primal and irresistible. I dragged my gaze from him, glaring at the thin broth in my bowl, making my stomach churn.

‘I’ll be fine,’ I said stubbornly, not daring to look at him.

I could hear his sigh of exasperation. ‘No, you won’t. We can’t get back to our department in Markt Schwaben now and your father told me he doesn’t want you in München when the Allies arrive. We have two choices: we can leave with the other units and wait in Chiemsee for the Americans to arrive or I can take you to your mother in Bad Windsheim.’

‘We can’t just go. We’ll need authorisation.’

‘I have it.’

I glanced up, suddenly hopeful.

He patted his jacket pocket. ‘There’s no need for us now, especially since the Jagdverband 44 is leaving. I can’t contact Colonel von Wissenbach, or anyone in Regional Command for that matter. Airfield Command is taking responsibility for all the units and personnel at Riem. We can make our way home from here. I have discharge papers for both of us.’

The tension in my shoulders dissipated. We could go home.

A thought dawned on me. ‘What about you? What will you do?’

Erich shrugged. ‘I don’t know yet. Let’s just get you to Bad Windsheim safely.’

‘You don’t have to do that for me. I’m sure I can make my own way there.’ I didn’t want him to feel obliged to me, especially with the way things stood between us.

‘I promised your father I would keep you safe.’ His expression was earnest and I knew he meant to keep his word despite the risk of capture if he came with me.

‘What if we stayed with the units in Chiemsee? What happens when the Americans arrive?’

‘Nothing will happen to you, Lotte. You’re a civilian secretary. At worst, I guess they may question you about what you know and they’ll soon discover that you know no great secrets.’

‘And you?’

‘I’ll be taken as a prisoner of war, I suspect, but where they’ll send me, I don’t know.’

I stared at him in shock. Then I thought of my father.

‘Vati?’

‘Probably the same, if he’s stayed in München. He’ll most likely be detained for a time but I’m sure he’ll be released when he shares what he knows. I doubt he holds any state secrets either.’

My throat tightened with fear. ‘He planned to stay. What can we do?’

Erich placed his hand on mine, warm and reassuring. ‘Nothing. Your father has made his choice. We can only hope he will be fine.’

My shoulders slumped. Vati was my rock. I sent a swift prayer to the heavens to keep him safe when the Americans arrived. He was a good, kind man and I didn’t know how Mutti or I could go on without him.

Erich squeezed my hand in sympathy. ‘All we can do now is get you to safety.’

He was right, travelling to Windsheim with me was a safer proposition for him.

‘Let’s go to Bad Windsheim,’ I said, my mouth set in a line of determination.

*

Erich and I thought hard about the best way to get to Windsheim. There wasn’t much to decide, really, as the car we arrived in was being requisitioned by Airfield Command. We weren’t sure how far it would get them – once the fuel ran out there was no more. What we were sure about was that we should avoid being intercepted by either the Americans or the SS. We decided to walk. I had my small bag of belongings that I took everywhere. I hid my engagement ring on my necklace along with my locket, long enough to sit under my dress. Erich, however, had only his uniform and some underwear. I carried the discharge papers in my bag, hidden among my clothes.

At first, I thought it would be a great adventure, hiking across southern Germany. The walking didn’t worry me and I truly didn’t believe that we would be accosted on the road. At first the flat surfaces made travel easy, despite the wear and tear of the road. The toots of vehicle horns and cheery waves as we passed other units heading south towards the Alps, to Chiemsee, added an air of excitement.

But I wasn’t dressed for the journey, wearing a coat over my cotton dress and leather shoes with a sensible heel, acceptable for a half-hour stroll to work but not a full day of strenuous trekking, and it didn’t take long for the reality of our situation to hit. There were reports of American units nearby from people on the road. Often they were civilians travelling between villages and were friendly enough with us.

‘Get rid of your uniform,’ one woman urged. ‘I met a soldier in one of the villages who told me that some of the Americans are trigger happy with small groups of soldiers on the road. They shoot men just for the suspicion of escaping from surrender with their unit… under suspicion of being Nazis or worse still, SS. Who knows what they’d think of a soldier travelling on his own with a beautiful woman?’ Erich dismissed the threat as nothing more than gossip and idle talk. But cold fear blossomed within me. What had I got Erich into? Rather than keeping him safe, I may have put him in more danger.