Erich stared at the ground in front of him, the cigarette between his fingers. ‘No, I wouldn’t.’ I saw the pain in his expression.

My heart clutched in regret. There was no reason to be cruel. There wasn’t a malicious bone in Erich’s body. ‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled.

He sighed and nodded. ‘Come on then, we’d better get going.’

Our eyes met and I saw that he had forgiven me.

*

I’d been to München-Riem with Erich before but had never realised how large the facility was. I was constantly on the go, running errands around the huge airfield. Luckily, I had help in the form of Marissa, the secretary of the technical officer at Riem. Her knowledge of the base and its inner workings was gold to me.

The great excitement at Riem was the arrival of the elite fighter squadron, the Jagdverband 44. Even Erich was enraptured by the full squadron of new Me 262 fighter jets at his disposal. He was in heaven and whenever I delivered files to his desk or picked up a report, he would explain his findings to me in great detail. I found it very difficult to hide my amusement, grinning at his earnest expression. But I was happy to see how the aircraft lifted his mood and gave him such excitement. And I was pleased to be able to arrange for Erich to meet with one of the heroes of the Luftwaffe: the flying ace, Adolf Galland.

Afterwards, Erich came to find me. He dashed over to where I stood at the filing cabinet, sweeping me off my feet and twirling me around with a whoop of delight.

‘That was amazing,’ he said, putting me down again. ‘However did you manage it?’

I shrugged. ‘Just lucky,’ I said. ‘I bumped into him in the corridor and I knew you would get a thrill out of talking to him.’

‘You did that for me?’

‘Of course.’ His shirt sleeves were rolled casually up his forearms, his collar unbuttoned, revealing the soft tuft of chest hair that sprang from the smooth skin beneath. I was finding it hard to think.

‘You did it only as your duty to your superior, I suppose. You’re a good secretary, Lotte. Thank you for thinking of me.’

The words cut me like a knife. Yet there was no cruelty in his face, only guarded curiosity.

‘How can you say that? After everything that’s been between us?’ Tears pricked my eyes. ‘I did it because I knew how much pleasure it would give you.’

Erich stepped back and looked hard at me. ‘You care for me.’ It was a statement rather than a question, as if this fact had just occurred to him. A flicker of vulnerability flashed in his eyes before wariness took over.

‘Erich, you know I care for you.’ I couldn’t help moving towards him. I placed my palm gently on his cheek, the stubble prickling against my skin pleasantly. ‘We’ve worked together for nearly two years now and we’ve been through so much.’

‘Is it just that?’

I sighed and dropped my hand. ‘No, it’s not just that. I know there’s something more between us.’

‘Tell me how you feel about me,’ Erich demanded. ‘I want to hear you say it.’

I hung my head, my face flaming with embarrassment. ‘I feel an undeniable attraction to you, but as for the rest…’ I shrugged, unable to express my confusion. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Look at me.’

Slowly I lifted my head and stared into his intense eyes. Electricity sparked between us. The state of undress, the five-o’clock shadow and the lock of hair that had strayed out of place, falling over one eye, made him irresistible to me. I couldn’t hide my feelings for him and I knew he could see it all written clearly on my face.

Then he had me in his arms, kissing me deeply. I felt every muscle in my body give way, ready for total surrender. I didn’t think I could hold back much longer and deny what we both wanted. He stepped away, breathing hard, trying to control his ardour. He grabbed my face with both hands, the gesture intimate and possessive.

‘Lotte, make no mistake: I want you. I want all of you now and forever but I’ll wait until you tell me that you want me the way I want you.’

I didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to tell him I wanted him more than anything in the world, that I wanted to be by his side, but I couldn’t.

He kissed me gently on the mouth. ‘Thank you for today. Your actions speak louder than words.’ Then he was gone, leaving me breathless and very unsettled.

I wondered if what I was feeling for Erich was love but it was hard to tell among the tangled complexities of our situations, like a skein of knotted wool.

I thought of how Heinrich went along with the will of our families. He didn’t have to fight for me, express his unwavering need for me, stand up for me against those who may have decreed we shouldn’t be together. I wondered if he had ever thought about what he truly wanted. If he came home to me, I hoped that his time away would change the way he viewed the world, because I had certainly changed. I wished I had Bettina with me. I wanted to talk and was desperate for her perspective, her cool objectivity. She was probably in Markt Schwaben by now, only about twenty kilometres further east, but a whole ocean could easily have stretched between us.

Riem was close to München and over the weeks, during the American bombing raids we endured and the recovery and repair work that followed, I often wondered how Vati was going or if there was any opportunity to see him. I had sent him a letter to tell him where I was, and had scribbled a note to Mutti, giving it to a young member of the maintenance crew who lived there. He was going home on furlong to recover from an illness instead of joining us at Riem.

I was surprised when he popped his head into the office one day. ‘Hans,’ I exclaimed, glad I had remembered his name. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I’m better now, Fräulein von Klein,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t stay away and, to be honest, I prefer to be here than Windsheim. The Americans are crawling all over the district. I left the day they took the airpark at Illesheim. They would have arrived in Bad Windsheim the next day. It’s taken me a week to get here.’ He grinned. ‘But here I am safe and sound and I have a letter for you from your mother.’ He reached into his jacket and pulled out a rumpled envelope with what I recognised as Mutti’s handwriting.

‘Thank you, Hans,’ I said taking the letter. ‘I can’t tell you what this means to me.’ I jumped out of my seat and reached up on tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek.

Hans blushed furiously. ‘My pleasure,’ he said. ‘I’m glad I made you happy. I’d better go and see my captain.’

‘I won’t forget your kindness, Hans.’

It was only later that day that I was able to read the letter privately, lying on my bed. Any news from home was going to ground me, I decided. Eagerly, I opened the envelope and slid out the wad of paper.

My dearest Lotte,

I’m sorry you couldn’t join us in Windsheim. I’m only happy that you are safe and well. Thank you for your note. I’m sure you’re working very hard. Now that you’re closer to Vati, maybe the two of you could manage to see each other? Perhaps he could come and see you? It would ease my mind to know that you have each other.

We are well here, as well as can be expected. Tante Susie and I are kept busy with the children and preparations for the arrival of the Americans. We hear the constant drone of their planes overhead and expect them very soon. Thank God it is them and not the Russians. There is some trepidation about what they will do. Tante Susie thinks we will be fine, thanks to a group of local women standing up to the burgomeister and the local Wehrmacht commander. We have been declared a ‘hospital city’ but I’m not sure that will be enough.

On Easter Sunday, the Americans bombed the machinery factory of Hans Schmotzer, the biggest industrialist in Windsheim. The Schmotzers are old friends of Tante Susie and Onkel Werner. The rail yards nearby were destroyed and a few days later, more rail yards and a local food warehouse were hit, and two boys were killed. There have been plenty of small attacks in the area over the last month, which has done nothing to reassure the people of Windsheim. It has been very tense here, a town of anxious women, worried for their children and families, their homes, livelihoods and the town they live in. I have to admit, I feel the same, although you and Vati are not here and our home is hopefully still standing in München.

I would never have thought that a town like Windsheim would be a dangerous place to be. Of course, we had heard stories of the brutality dished out to those who surrendered to the Americans. The Hitler Youth and the Volkssturm are usually the instruments of this disgraceful behaviour but burgomeisters and even ordinary citizens have been known to exact revenge on those who see the reality of our situation. I don’t know if you’ve heard of the notorious ‘werewolves’ but they roam the countryside looking for trouble or anyone they think contravenes Himmler’s edicts and the consequences are dire for those they target. I think we’ve become a society of savages and brutes, killing innocent people indiscriminately, those whose only crimes are self-preservation and protecting their families and homes.

Did you know that it’s a crime punishable by death to even hang white sheets out the windows, allowing safe passage to a victorious army? I’ve seen defeat and German surrender before but never like this! It’s insane to expect civilians to barricade their streets and fight the incoming army when there is no chance of victory. Their homes, their villages and their lives are destroyed for nothing! We’ve heard those villages and towns that have resisted the Americans have been bombed from the air until there is little left and the Americans can sweep in unmolested. The loss of life and the destruction of ancient villages, the irrevocable carnage, is horrendous and can never be repaired.