‘I have to go the airpark at Illesheim. There’s a problem with the new aircraft that nobody seems able to sort out. I can’t afford the time to go but the problem needs to be dealt with.’ He raked his fingers through his hair with frustration. These new aircraft were all we had left to pin our hopes on. They were to be our saviours in Germany’s final assault, our last chance to defeat our enemies.

‘How long will you be gone?’ I asked, already distraught at the thought of him going.

‘Only a day, maybe two.’ He stopped pacing and met my eyes, fiddling with the contents of his pocket. ‘But I wondered if you wanted to come. I thought you might like to see your mother in Bad Windsheim on the way back. I know you have lots to do here but it might be the last chance you get to see her before the Americans arrive.’

I wanted nothing more than to see my mother, feel her familiar embrace and know I was in a safe, uncomplicated place for even a short while, but it meant being alone with Erich. As much as that idea made me breathless, I wanted time away from him to consider how I felt. I was an engaged woman and Heinrich could still be alive somewhere; I had a duty to wait for him. Although I knew making love with Erich had been a mistake, it had opened up a new world for me. I was excited. I wanted to delve further into this forbidden world, explore new experiences beyond the boundaries of my chaste and restricted life.

Erich stood still, watching me with hooded eyes but not without compassion. Perhaps he understood my predicament.

‘All right,’ I said, desire outweighing prudence.

He nodded. ‘We leave in an hour,’ he said, turning his back on me, pulling open the filing cabinet.

I left the room, confused and my face burning with embarrassment. Suddenly I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to come or not. Not sure if he still wanted me, now he’d had his pleasure from me.

The journey to Illesheim was tense. Chewing industriously on my fingernail, brooding over our last exchange, it took me longer than it should have to realise that nothing had changed between us. We were alone and the closeness of him made me want him so badly. His smouldering gaze told me that it was the same for him but he was a perfect gentleman, polite and attentive. It nearly drove me crazy.

Avoiding the potholes and crumbling edges of the dilapidated road took most of Erich’s attention. I was happy to travel in silence, thinking I had got away without talking about anything consequential, but I was wrong.

‘Thank you for pulling me out of the dark hole I’ve been in,’ Erich said finally, glancing at me as the car hummed along a stretch of straight, undamaged road.

‘I’m glad you’re feeling better,’ I said a little tightly, folding my hands in my lap.

‘I’m sorry if I’ve been a burden on you. I didn’t mean to drag you into my problems.’

I shut my eyes for a second. What Erich had been through would destroy many people. He was a good man and he had been through enough.

‘No, I’m glad I could help. It’s just that…’ I couldn’t finish the thought and I turned to look out the window, blushing furiously, barely noticing the barren fields.

‘You didn’t expect what happened between us in the woods.’

‘Yes,’ I whispered.

‘I didn’t mean for that to happen… I’m sorry I lost control, but I’m not sorry for loving you. I’ve wanted you ever since the day you walked into my office, gorgeous and so full of life.’

My head jerked around in surprise but Erich’s eyes were on the road.

‘But not now.’ I paused, turning to look back out the window, my fist over my mouth. Afraid that once I said the words, I couldn’t deny them. ‘Not now that you’ve had me.’ I glanced back at him.

Erich’s eyes were wide with surprise, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. His face flushed red.

‘How can you say that? I told you I love you and I have done ever since the day you told me about your brother. I knew you were special the moment I first laid eyes on you. I would never disrespect you like that.’

He loves me, I thought, ecstatic. I wasn’t being cast aside or discarded like a used thing. Relief flooded my body like air to a suffocating person. Then I remembered that this wasn’t possible.

‘How could you love me? You were married and I was planning a wedding,’ I snapped.

‘You know my marriage was in trouble long before I met you. Besides, you can’t choose who you fall in love with.’

A white hot spear of jealousy arose from nowhere. ‘What about the women you had when you first came to München? I know all about them. Bettina told me.’

‘They meant nothing to me!’ Erich slammed the steering wheel in frustration. He looked ahead for a long moment before he spoke again. ‘After I left Inga for my posting in München, I knew that my marriage was over. In my self-pity, full of guilt, despair and loneliness, I sought comfort and oblivion wherever I could… but it made no difference. Only when I met you did I understand that my only redemption could be love.’

I sighed and shook my head. All this talk about love didn’t help me at all. ‘The war will be over soon and you know that I’ll be marrying Heinrich when he returns home. It’s all been organised.’ Erich had to understand that I was committed regardless of how I might feel. It was right to put a stop to wherever our relationship was headed and right to remind Erich of my situation. But staring out the window at nothing, all I could feel was a deep disappointment that we wouldn’t continue our affair. Despite my introduction to an irresistible new world, I couldn’t accept the part of me that wanted to ignore my commitment and explore that path with Erich.

‘I know, Lotte,’ he said finally. ‘I would never keep you from the life you’ve planned. You have a good future with Heinrich.’ His eyes did not waver from the road.

I felt the blood drain from my face, surprised he had given in so easily. ‘I wanted you too. We both lost control…’

Erich smiled, his eyes meeting mine, the naked need in them burning a hole through to my soul. ‘Your desire does crazy things to me…’ His smile faded. ‘I should have known better though.’

I fought to find the words to justify my feelings for him, clenching my fists in my anxiety. ‘You make me feel special, valued, and you always treat me as your equal – with respect. It’s the first time anyone has ever made me feel like that. All my life, I’ve been told what I must do and my thoughts and opinions are of secondary importance, if they’re noticed at all.’ I looked through the windshield at the tiny village we drove through. It seemed deserted.

Erich shook his head and sighed. ‘I don’t understand why anybody would treat you any other way. You’re intelligent, curious and deep thinking. I know I couldn’t have got through these last months without your kindness.’ His shoulders slumped. ‘I hope Heinrich realises what a lucky man he is.’

An unspoken question hung between us like a dark storm cloud: What would I do if Heinrich were dead?

10

The Illesheim Airpark was chaotic when we arrived. The Americans had reached Heidelberg, only one hundred and fifty kilometres away. The Wehrmacht was in full retreat and the airpark was being evacuated.

We didn’t stay long. There wasn’t much Erich could do there. While he was discussing matters with airbase command, I chatted with one of the office girls. I learnt that the various units were taking what they could with them, destroying what they had to leave behind or distributing items among the locals. It was sobering to watch the impending exodus first hand. It hit me hard that Germans doing their job for their country were being forced to leave their workplaces and homes for fear of being treated like criminals in the eyes of the invading forces.

Erich called me over as he strode purposefully back towards the car. ‘I’ve spoken to Colonel von Wissenbach. Many of the aircraft are being redirected to München-Riem for now. He wants us to go there to manage the incoming aircraft and then meet them at the new headquarters in a couple of weeks or so.’

‘Me too?’ I asked, surprised.

‘Yes. It’ll be crazy and I could use your efficiency. There’s no time to go back to the kloster – some of the aircraft are already arriving at Riem.’

‘What about the packing?’

‘I’m sure Bettina and the girls will handle it.’ He touched my arm lightly. ‘We won’t be able to stop in Windsheim to see your mother. I’m so sorry. Colonel von Wissenbach wants us in Riem now.’

I stopped walking and stared at him accusingly.

‘I didn’t plan this,’ he said. ‘Truly. In fact, I thought before we came that perhaps you might have been able to stay in Windsheim with your mother. The Americans are closing in and soon it will be bedlam.’ He frowned, as if a new thought had come to him. ‘Maybe someone can give you a lift, one of the locals who works here?’

‘It’s a possibility,’ I said, my arms crossed and my face stony. I would have loved to go to Windsheim that very day and stay with my mother until the end of the war. I was so tired, my conflict over how I felt about Erich draining me, and some distance from him would surely be a good thing. His offer was tempting but I also knew how much he needed me. His grief had taken its toll on him. In the state he was in, he would hardly manage on his own. Also, I took my responsibility to my job seriously and I knew I could still make a difference if I continued to Riem with him.

Erich waited patiently, lighting a cigarette, as if he had all the time in the world.

‘No, it’s all right. I’ll come to Riem with you. You wouldn’t manage without me anyway,’ I said glibly.