He told me more about his young life too, as an only child growing up in Grottkau, sharing his love of the outdoors and of flying and helping in his father’s furniture shop, until the time he had met Inga.

‘We should head back,’ Erich said finally.

I looked out the window to see the shadows lengthening. ‘Time passes quickly, doesn’t it?’ I said trying to distract him, sure that the mention of Inga had brought his pain to mind once more. ‘Thank you for my birthday drinks.’ Rising too quickly from my seat, a rush of vertigo came over me and I grabbed the table to steady myself. ‘I think I had a bit too much.’

Erich was at my elbow immediately, standing so close that a small tremor passed through me and I broke out into a fine sweat.

I let go of the table and stood tall, taking control of my errant body. ‘I’m fine. Nothing the walk back won’t fix.’

He helped me shrug into my coat, his movements slow and deliberate, draping my scarf around my neck, his touch lingering on my skin.

‘Here, take my arm until you feel better.’ I looked into Erich’s face and saw the concern in his furrowed brow. Still woozy, I nodded and took his arm gratefully as we stepped out into the pale, cold afternoon.

We were still arm in arm as we strolled by the woods near the kloster. The conversation had finally turned to Erich’s family. He was having difficulty accepting that they were gone. We were both feeling emotionally raw. His anguish had brought my own grief for my brothers back to the surface, as if their deaths had only just occurred. The depth of my pain took me by surprise and the possibility that I had lost Heinrich made my sense of loss almost overwhelming.

‘How about we walk back through the woods?’ I asked, seeking a distraction. ‘It’s where I go when I want to find some peace, especially when things are going around and around in my head.’

‘Is this the place you were telling me about?’

‘Yes. I often take photographs there… anything that catches my eye. Surrounded by nature, I find a sense of balance somehow.’ I looked up into his face, hoping he understood what I meant.

He nodded, looking thoughtful. ‘That sounds like just what we both need. Lead the way.’

I let go of Erich’s arm, missing the warmth of him immediately. Trying to keep away from the flurries of snow, I found the little trail and followed it through the woods. He offered me his hand as I stepped across rocks and jumped over fallen logs. More than once, I found myself unsteady on my feet, leaning against his broad, firm chest, his arms around me keeping me safe. Neither of us said a word. We didn’t have to.

We reached the small stream where I often sat, waiting for photographic inspiration to hit me as I mulled over my problems. It had stopped flowing now and was covered in ice, transformed into its winter glory as it glistened in the afternoon sunlight.

‘You’re right about this place,’ he said, still holding my hand. ‘It’s special, I can feel it.’ His eyes were alight with joy at the beauty at our feet. It made my heart clench – he understood what this place meant. He was just like me. ‘Listen, you can hear the forest sounds. I know we’ve made enough noise but still the creatures of the forest are here.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Close your eyes and see what you can hear,’ he whispered. His breath brushed the hair curled in front of my ear, tickling my face. I closed my eyes, languid from the beer, the walk, the nearness of him and his breath in my ear. All my awareness was focused on him. ‘Can you hear them now?’

I nodded. The tweet of birds and rustle of small creatures rooting through the undergrowth and the deep sighing of the bare trees that surrounded us registered dimly in my consciousness but I could have drawn every detail of Erich standing behind me. I leant back against him and he wrapped his arms around me.

I turned to reach for him instinctively – I couldn’t help myself. He pressed his cold, soft lips against mine, and I welcomed the moist warmth of his mouth. My body was pushed hard against him, yet it didn’t feel close enough. I drew his head towards me, and he clasped me to him, holding me like he’d never let go.

‘Is this what you want?’ he murmured between kisses.

‘Yes,’ I breathed, not wanting him to stop.

He slid one hand down my back to rest on my behind. I felt his manhood hard and rigid as he pulled me against him. A deep throbbing began low in my belly and my legs quivered so violently, I was sure I was about to fall. Swiftly, he lifted me so I straddled his waist. I should have been shocked but I just wanted him closer.

‘I want you,’ Erich said, his voice rough with need. ‘Are you sure this is what you want too? Because once we start this, I can’t promise I’ll be able to stop.’

‘Yes,’ I groaned. His words and voice inflamed my desire. I knew there was no going back now. A force greater than myself compelled me to throw away rational thought and sensible decisions. There was no choice. I must follow this path.

‘Let’s find somewhere a little more protected,’ he murmured in my ear.

‘There’s an old wood shed, through that stand of trees.’ I pointed, amazed I was still capable of speaking, let alone lucid thought.

Moving with surprising speed, Erich carried me to the abandoned wood shed, still sure footed. I felt safe in his arms. He put me down gently and I could only stare, mesmerised, as he removed his coat, placing it on the dirt floor. He kissed me once more and lay me back on the coat.

We stared into each other’s eyes, a little shy with the break in momentum.

‘You mean a great deal to me, I want you to know that,’ he whispered, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. I reached for him and kissed him again, falling further into our private world, the cold, hard floor barely registering. He unbuttoned my coat and reached into my dress, his cold hands a shock at first. Our eyes locked as he kneaded my breasts and encircled my nipples until they were erect and exquisitely tender. I saw the desire grow in his sparkling eyes as he watched my response to him. I desperately wanted him to touch my nipples. When he did, it was so feather soft it was excruciating. I gasped as bolts of pleasure shot towards my belly. His power over me, his ability to arouse me like this, only whet my need for him further.

‘I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life,’ he said. His eyes were pools of endless green. I felt strong and powerful and I pulled him to me. He was heavy but not unbearable as he supported himself on his elbows. I lifted my hips towards him in greeting before he leant in to kiss me with such an intensity I thought I was going to burst. Then he was gone, the cold air rushing in where his warmth had been and I felt momentarily bereft.

‘Don’t go,’ I cried. ‘Come back.’

He was kneeling between my legs. ‘I want you ready for me and I don’t want it to hurt more than it needs to.’ He pressed the heel of one hand against the hard mound between my legs. My shock drained away as the pulsing began. He lay alongside me now to keep me warm, his hand never straying from its work. As he massaged my softness with deft, gentle fingertips, I could think of nothing else. His touch became firmer and more insistent. It was almost unbearable and I moaned softly until I was unaware of the world around me.

Then he was lying over me, his voice low and hypnotic, telling me how beautiful and desirable I was. I felt the cold blow over my nether parts and then warmth, soft and firm against my dampness and a sudden sharp and searing pain as he forced past my barrier and slid into me. My eyes were wide with shock and Erich lay very still as I adjusted to the new sensations.

‘The worst is over now,’ he said, softly kissing my cheeks, my neck and my ears.

Carefully, he began to move and my pain was forgotten as I felt him deep within me. The pulsating continued, now in time with Erich’s slowly increasing thrusting. I clung to him, our bodies joined as one, as we sought our pleasure and oblivion in each other. The rest of the world was forgotten. At the moment of his release, I watched his face move from joy to surrender and total vulnerability. I understood, then, the true meaning of this precious act – and the meaning of passion.

‘I love you,’ he said and I knew he meant it.

*

Our lovemaking left my emotions raw. There was no rest for me that night, tossing and turning, burning hot as with fever, images of Erich tumbling over themselves in my mind, making me want to reach for him again. Heinrich was my other constant, my memories of our carefree days, and in my fevered state, fantasies of making love to him colliding with those of Erich. Two men who loved me, opposites, like light and shade. Despite my duty and love for Heinrich, I couldn’t deny that I wanted Erich in a very different way. To me, they were still boy and man. I was left exhausted at dawn, guttered like a candle burning at both ends, weak and helpless.

There was no time to consider what had happened in the cold light of day: the order came through to begin packing once again. The command headquarters was being evacuated to Markt Schwaben, east of München. The Rhein River, the final obstacle to Germany’s full capitulation, had been breached by the Allies, who were marching rapidly east. From what we understood, many units were being called back towards south-eastern Germany, ready for a final retreat towards the Bavarian Alps.

While I was sorting through what had to be packed, Erich called me into his office. He was agitated, pacing the space between his desk and the window, swearing.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, surprised at his ill temper and worried he was upset with me.