I nodded, expecting as much, lifting the box up into the wardrobe.

‘Do not come back to München after today, Lotte.’

I swung around. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘With all the bombings, it’s not safe. When the war ends or safety becomes an issue, do not come back. Promise me. When the Americans or Russians reach München, I don’t want you here. I’ve seen victorious armies before. They take whatever they want. It won’t be safe in the city. Go to your mother in Windsheim. I will get a message to her when it’s safe to return home or, God willing, I will come and collect the two of you myself. Until then, stay with Susie.’ He grasped my hand firmly. ‘Do you hear me, Lotte?’

‘Yes, Vati,’ I whispered. I couldn’t believe it had come to this. I had come home to farewell my mother and celebrate an early birthday. I was turning twenty but I felt like I was one hundred.

‘Stay close to Erich or Colonel von Wissenbach. They will try to keep you safe.’

Mutti glowered at Vati and me. ‘This is a mistake. Lotte should be with me, safe at Susie’s. It’s bad enough that you have to stay. I don’t want to hear any more about your plans. I have packing to do.’ Mutti stood with a huff and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

I looked from the door to my father’s pinched face.

He sighed. ‘She’ll be all right. She understands and will come round when she calms down. She can’t wrap you up like a delicate ornament forever.’

‘I know, Vati, but I worry about her.’

‘She won’t have time to fall apart. She’ll be busy with Susie’s boys. She’s stronger than you think.’

I nodded. The country would be good for Mutti and Tante Susie was a pillar of strength.

‘Vati.’ I touched him tentatively on the arm. ‘Have you heard any more about Heinrich?’

‘No, I’m sorry, nothing. It’s chaotic and I haven’t been able to locate his unit yet. You know that it’s mayhem on the Eastern Front. The Russians have taken Warsaw and at this rate, it won’t be long before they reach the Oder. I hope Erich has managed to get his family away.’ He stared at the table like he was debating what to say next. ‘Many of the battalions have been decimated and our troops have been in constant retreat. I’ve heard stories of whole units surrendering or even deserting and making their way back home.’

He held my hand and looked into my eyes, then lowered his voice so Mutti wouldn’t hear in the next room. ‘You have to prepare yourself. If Heinrich’s alive, it’s possible he may be taken as a prisoner of war by the Russians.’

My heart began to thump wildly and my face crumpled in despair. Vati squeezed my hand in reassurance.

‘I’ll keep looking for him… it may be that he’s in no position to write or as simple as the fact that the post is no longer getting through.’

‘Thank you, Vati. I know he’s alive. He has to be.’ I hugged my father tightly, breathing in the comforting smells of tobacco and aftershave.

‘You’ll have that wonderful wedding before you know it,’ he said, smoothing my hair from my face. ‘Nothing’s going to stop me walking you down that aisle to meet your husband.’

‘I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ I felt a moment of desolation, wondering how long it would be before I saw Heinrich or my father again.

Vati reached into his jacket pocket. ‘Here, I have something for you, for your birthday. It’s something for you to record your memories and special moments while we’re apart.’ His voice caught as he pulled out a small package. ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t wrap it properly.’

‘It doesn’t matter.’ I turned it over, breaking through the packaging. Three precious canisters of film lay nestled in the paper. ‘Wherever did you find them?’

‘It was difficult to get my hands on them but I still have contacts.’ He smiled wryly.

‘It’s perfect Vati. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.’ My eyes welled with tears. He knew me so well.

‘I don’t want you to forget your craft. You have talent. Perhaps one day you’ll become a professional photographer. In the meantime, keep your camera with you wherever you go and use the film wisely. It will become impossible to find soon and even worse after the war. I don’t know when I will see you next but one day I want to see the photos and share with you the things I have missed. Just promise me that.’

‘I will, Vati and I’ll think of you every time I use it.’ My heart clenched in fear, suddenly apprehensive for him. Nobody knew what was ahead. There was a chance that this was the last time I would ever see him. My father’s eyes were moist as he pulled me into a tight embrace. ‘I’m so proud of you. You’re a wonderful daughter. Stay safe.’

‘You too, Vati. I love you,’ I said. I didn’t want to let him go.

*

Any tranquillity I felt at Kloster Scheyern was all but destroyed when we learnt that the Russians had reached the Oder River. It was Germany’s last defence: once it had been crossed, nothing stood in their way to Berlin. We were under no illusions now.

Germany would fall.

I found Erich sitting at his desk one morning in late January, distracted and drawn.

‘What is it Erich? Are you feeling unwell?’

Erich shook his head and handed me a postcard. ‘I just received this. Inga has taken the children and they’ve left Sagan.’

I took the postcard and quickly read the scribbled message. ‘At least they’ve got away. I can’t believe how quickly the Russians have moved west. They were in Warsaw only a week or so ago.’

‘Yes, I know. From all reports, the Red Army has spread out across Silesia, heading westward.’ He gestured to the postcard in my hand. ‘By the look of the handwriting, they left very quickly, perhaps when they heard word of the Russians reaching Poznan. I just hope they remained ahead of the Russians while on the road.’

‘How were they going to travel with Eva not being well? The trains are out everywhere, especially into Berlin.’

‘One of my old colleagues promised to give them a lift to Berlin but I haven’t heard from him, so I don’t know what’s happened.’ He shook his head in frustration. ‘I think the whole town would have evacuated. It must have been crazy. At least Inga had some help from friends and my colleagues. My hope is that they were driven at least some of the way.’

‘Surely they got out early enough to find transport to Berlin…’ I checked the writing on the back of the postcard again. ‘What’s in Elend? Why would your wife go there?’

‘I don’t know but it will most likely be a safe place for her and the children if, God forbid, Berlin falls to the Russians,’ said Erich, rubbing his temple. ‘When we last discussed this plan, Berlin seemed like a perfectly safe option. I would have thought they’d come to München but with the trains so unpredictable, she probably thinks it’s too far and not safe to travel here from Berlin now.’

‘Let’s hope the Americans reach Berlin first if it comes to that.’

‘There’s not much I can do now until Inga contacts me.’

‘Isn’t there any way you can find out where they are?’

Erich shook his head. ‘No, I just have to wait.’

‘What about your parents?’

‘I don’t know. The last I heard, my father was stationed around Oppeln but the town was evacuated last week and captured a few days ago. I don’t know if he got back to my mother and as far as I know, she hasn’t left Grottkau. I’m worried about her too.’ He paused, his green eyes dull. ‘The Russians have reached Breslau and Grottkau is only about fifty kilometres from there. I can’t imagine any of these towns destroyed by war and occupied by the Red Army.’ He stared at me despairingly. I knew he had desperately tried to convince his mother to come west and had arranged his family’s evacuation weeks ago.

I rested my hand on his shoulder. ‘You’re not alone. If there’s anything I can do…’

‘Thank you.’ Erich smiled weakly, patting my hand, his fingers cold. ‘Now, Colonel Von Wissenbach is expecting this report and it won’t write itself.’

‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ I said, picking up the ashtray and leaving the room.

I couldn’t imagine how Erich was feeling, how he managed to focus on his work. My stomach churned every time I thought about those children fleeing their home, too young to really understand what was happening but old enough to remember the trauma of being ripped away from everything they knew. I remembered that feeling well. I prayed they would find comfort before too long when they reached their relative in Berlin and felt the security of their father’s loving arms around them.

Every morning after the post arrived, I entered Erich’s office on the pretext of bringing in or picking up files or reports, fresh coffee or emptying the forever full ashtray. ‘Anything?’ I would ask.

Each day, Erich would shake his head, his brow furrowed. ‘Nothing yet.’

I could see the tension in the set of his shoulders and the mound of cigarette butts in his ashtray but there was nothing more I could do for him. ‘You’ll hear something soon,’ I told him. There was still nothing from Heinrich either.

One icy February morning I took an official telephone call from the police in Berlin. The call was for Erich. I transferred it through to him, then stared blankly at the report I was typing, trying not to breathe so I could hear through the closed door of Erich’s office. But of course with the noise of the other office girls around me, I heard nothing.

‘Fräulein von Klein.’ The gently spoken words held a hint of urgency. My head snapped up to find Erich standing at the door. Once he had my attention, he turned back to the office before I could catch his expression. I jumped out of my seat, the skin on the back of my neck prickling with unease and I hurriedly followed him in, closing the door behind me. He was standing at his desk, swaying.