Bettina consoled me in her way by telling all the office girls of Heinrich’s posting and the postponement of my wedding. They lavished me with extra attention for a while but this was a commonplace occurrence in the war and their sympathies quickly moved on. The oberinspektor was kind and compassionate while remaining as courteous and professional as always. I moved listlessly from task to task, keeping busy, trying not to think. Nights were the worst, when images of Heinrich swam before my closed lids. Despite my fervent prayers to God, fears for his safety festered in my imagination until finally I’d manage to snatch a few hours of sleep as the dawn approached.

I missed Heinrich but at least he was still writing to me regularly. Once their company had regrouped in Poland, his unit had been sent to Latvia. That’s all he could tell me, except that there were plenty of casualties and he had been busy performing surgery after surgery, often on his own. When his patients died, he never knew if it was his own inexperience or the futility of the surgery. I knew how hard his situation was but all I could do was try to distract him with news from home, encourage him to stay strong and hope that he would return soon. I asked God to keep Heinrich safe and bring him home alive and in one piece.

Then the oberinspektor informed me he was taking leave to visit his family.

‘I’m worried about them,’ he said one morning as I placed a fresh coffee on his desk. ‘My daughter’s sick, she’s been vomiting for days. She’s only nine years old and such a tiny thing anyway.’

‘Has she seen the doctor?’ I asked automatically, picking up the files from his desk.

‘Of course, but he doesn’t know what’s wrong. She’s been burning up with fever but hasn’t responded to treatment. Who knows what I’ll find when I get there?’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I’ve called a friend who’s still in Sagan and has military connections to make sure everything has been done to help her, even if it means admitting her to hospital. There’s nothing else I can do until I get there.’ He ran his fingers through his hair, a sure sign of his frustration.

‘Is she with her mother?’ I asked tentatively, not sure I should be delving into his personal matters.

‘Yes,’ he said, sighing. ‘Her mother wants me to fix this when the problem is that she leaves the children to their own devices too much. I know that she works but it seems that she’s never in any hurry to get home to them.’

‘Oh.’ I wondered if I’d just opened a festering wound, surprised at the oberinspektor’s frankness. ‘I didn’t mean to pry.’

The oberinspektor shook his head. ‘No, it’s just me. I’m worried for them. You may remember that I told you that I had been posted in Lemberg earlier in the war?’

I nodded. ‘I heard that it was taken by the Red Army recently,’ I said. ‘I thought of you.’

His eyes glittered, perhaps with tears. ‘There were men with families still there that I knew. I don’t know if they got out.’ He paused, his brow creased and his face drawn. ‘I want to put a plan in place for my family if they need to leave in a hurry. My wife has relatives in Berlin. That should be safe enough but first I have to get my daughter well enough to travel.’

‘Do you really think it will come to that?’

‘I honestly don’t know,’ he said wearily. ‘I want to be prepared if it does.’

I remembered the conversation I’d had with my father after the Führer’s attempted assassination. He believed then that Germany was losing the war. I wanted them both to be wrong. Heinrich was out there now and more than ever I desperately prayed that we were winning. I held my tongue. It wasn’t my place to argue. ‘I’ll make sure the office runs smoothly until you return,’ was all I said, picking up another full ashtray.

‘I know you will.’ The oberinspektor smiled. ‘At least I can leave with peace of mind that you will manage efficiently in my absence.’

‘You can rely on me,’ I said woodenly. I turned to leave.

‘Thank you for looking after me, Lotte.’

My back still to him, I stopped and nodded before closing the door behind me. It was the first time he had used my first name.

How much I missed the oberinspektor caught me by surprise. I supposed it was the fact that we had worked together so closely six days a week for a year, but I felt a little uncomfortable anyway. With the oberinspektor away, I kept staring at his office. I realised that I missed our meetings, where he would explain the latest technical data to me, or the logistics of why we would recommend approving or amending the requisitions that came in from various airfields. He had kept my mind off Heinrich and made me feel that I was doing something valuable to bring about Germany’s victory. I appreciated being taken seriously and having my natural curiosity and thirst for knowledge and learning valued by him. His enthusiasm for the new generation aircraft, the Me 262 fighter jets and the Ar 234 bombers that were in the final stages of testing before widespread distribution to each Luftflotte, was infectious. His deep understanding of how these machines worked and their superiority to the older aircraft gave him an expertise some other technical officers did not have. But the oberinspektor was still a complete mystery to me in many respects. I knew almost nothing about him except in a work capacity.

News of the Americans moving ever closer across France and the Red Army drawing further west began to change the way we thought. From office talk, I learnt that concern about how we were faring in the war was felt right across München. Gone was the jubilation of the early war years. Despite the positive weekly news reels at the cinema, most people were now sceptical about the stories of our successes. The ominous rumbles whispered from family to family, neighbourhood to neighbourhood, fanned the restlessness that pervaded the city. Many began to seriously entertain the idea that we could lose the war.

Perhaps the biggest shock came when we learnt that Paris had fallen, liberated by the Americans. What was worse was that the Luftwaffe counter-attack had failed once again. Morale was low among the office girls.

‘What did I tell you?’ said Bettina, waving her fork around while we ate a late lunch in the staff dining hall one day. The long benches were almost empty. ‘Lucky Magda’s cousin didn’t go to Paris.’

‘Where will they stop?’ I whispered.

Bettina stared at me for a second and shook her head. ‘They won’t stop! They’ll keep coming until Germany has fallen and we have no chance of getting up again. There’s something I heard someone say the other day: “Enjoy the war because the peace will be dreadful.” It will be too, when it finally comes, but what can we do about it? Whether we win or lose, Germany is kaput.’

I crossed my knife and fork on my plate. ‘Don’t talk like that,’ I said, anger boiling in me. ‘That’s defeatist. There’s still hope, we haven’t been beaten yet.’

‘Open your eyes, Lotte! Most of Germany’s resources are now dedicated to the Defence of the Reich. We’re no longer on the offensive and we continue to lose the ground we gained earlier in the war on all fronts. How much longer until Germany itself is threatened?’

I stared at her, my anger draining away. Fear for Heinrich was a tight band around my chest and I was finding it hard to breathe.

It wasn’t much longer at all before Germany itself was in peril. The oberinspektor came back to München towards the end of August with the news that the Red Army had crossed into Eastern Prussia and was officially on German soil. He asked me not to tell the other girls. We both knew panic would result once the news got out. We had so much work to catch up on but I found it hard to focus. The advance of the Red Army was concerning enough but my primary thoughts were for the immediate danger to Heinrich. He was there somewhere with the German army probably in retreat, trying not to be surrounded by the Russians. I could do nothing but continue to write to him regularly and wait for his responses. It was the only way I knew he was still alive and well.

A few days after the oberinspektor’s return, I brought dinner up to his office so we could continue working through the backlog that had accumulated in his absence.

‘How did you go with your family?’ I asked.

‘Eva’s got so big and Walter isn’t a baby any more. He’s nearly ready for school,’ he said, pen poised over paper and sighing deeply. ‘I hadn’t seen them for over a year.’

‘Your daughter, how is she now?’

‘Thank God, she’s fine now. She’s nothing but skin and bone but that will improve as she begins to eat more. Inga, my wife, has extra rations for her, to build up her health. She gets tired very easily still so the doctor says it may be a month or two until she’s strong enough to travel.’

‘Couldn’t you bring them back to München?’ It was obvious that he missed his children. He should be able to be with them more. I wished I could tell him that they could stay with my parents and me but that was no longer possible.

‘No,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘There’s nowhere to stay here. I couldn’t afford the rent even if there was anything available and I don’t know if I’ll be posted somewhere else. We’ve a plan for them to go to Inga’s cousin in Berlin. She’ll have support there and they should be safe.’

‘I’m glad she’s better. It sounds like you have it all worked out.’

‘I’m sorry about Heinrich. I know you’re worried about him. As long as you keep receiving letters from him—’

I grasped his hand, wanting him to stop. ‘Yes, I know.’ The words caught in my throat and my meal blurred in front of me as I willed tears away. I looked up at him as a tear escaped from my control, sliding slowly down my face, and I let go of his hand.