‘Yes, there will.’

Later, I had listened to the Führer address the nation, beside myself with joy at the sound of the Führer’s voice, as full of life and passionate as ever. A bomb had been detonated in the Wolf’s Lair but he had sustained only minor injuries. He announced that a plot had been uncovered involving high-ranking members of the General Staff and promised revenge on the conspirators. I couldn’t believe it. The Führer named names and I heard one I knew: Claus von Stauffenberg. I felt sick to the core. It couldn’t be true. He was a patriot, a German hero, not a traitor and criminal. I still remembered the thrill I’d received from the touch of that gallant man who had addressed me at the party all those months ago. It couldn’t be him.

‘Was Colonel von Stauffenberg really involved?’ I now asked my father.

‘Yes, he was, and he died for his role in this plot.’

‘He seemed so courageous and gracious that night I met him. He was a hero.’

‘There were many high-ranking men there, good, decent men who have been executed. Killed like common criminals.’ He looked sad.

‘But they were, Vati,’ I said, my BDM lessons taking over, galvanising me. I was steadfast in my conviction. ‘It’s treason to plot against the Führer.’

‘Many didn’t think so,’ said Vati, lowering his voice.

‘They had everything,’ I said impatiently. ‘Influence, power, the ear of the Führer. Why would they throw it all away and plot against the man who gave it all to them? The man who has single-handedly brought this country out of the shadows and reignited our national pride?’

‘Have you quite finished?’ snapped my mother, putting the empty shopping bags on the bed. ‘Let your father talk.’

I looked at her, puzzled by her outburst. ‘It’s just such a waste of good men,’ I whispered, dropping into a chair. ‘We need good leaders and soldiers on Germany’s side more than ever.’ I thought of my brothers and ran my hand through my hair in frustration.

Vati sat next to me at the little table and grasped my hand. ‘They believed they were working for Germany,’ he said softly.

‘What do you mean?’

‘They blamed the Führer for all the bad decisions that have been made, particularly those that have caused such losses on the Eastern Front, decisions that have turned the course of this war.’

‘But how can they blame him? Surely he only acts on the information he’s given by his advisors? They’re the ones who should be blamed. The Führer has only ever acted in Germany’s best interest.’ I looked from my father to my mother standing next to him and back again. Neither of them seemed convinced and that shocked me more than the confirmation of Stauffenberg’s complicity. ‘You can’t agree with them.’

My mother shrugged. ‘This war has gone on long enough. Something needs to change.’

‘I don’t think we’ll ever know to what extent the Führer’s been involved in the disastrous decisions that have been made on Germany’s behalf.’ Vati paled, aware of the danger inherent in his words, looking suddenly old. ‘But with the Führer gone, there might have been an opportunity to end this war, save the lives of countless others and save what’s left of Germany.’ He sighed. ‘That’s all speculation now anyway.’

‘Don’t talk like that, even here. It’s too risky… You weren’t involved were you?’ I asked, my stomach clenching in terror.

Vati smiled wearily. ‘No, I wasn’t. I heard talk, of course, but I never believed it would amount to anything. Those men suffered the ultimate price for their actions but I don’t believe they were acting against Germany. Many were good, upstanding men from military families, men I knew well and many I will grieve. Their loss is Germany’s loss too.’

I nodded, remembering the oberinspektor’s comments about Stalingrad and about the generals on the Eastern Front, and frowned. Both men were trying to tell me the same thing, but how could our beloved Führer be responsible for Germany’s losses?

‘I think we need to prepare ourselves for the inevitable,’ Vati said. ‘The Americans are now on European soil and march across France toward us. In the east, Lemberg has been taken by the Red Army and they march west across Poland. I don’t see how we can win this war.’

‘We have to win,’ I whispered desperately. ‘The Führer promised. Germany deserves to win. We’ve sacrificed so much.’

‘Ah, Lotte,’ murmured my father, smoothing the hair from my face. ‘It’s time for you to grow up and face the facts. I will do everything to keep you and your mother safe but we must be prepared.’

Discomfort swirled in my belly. I entertained the possibility that my father might be right although it went against everything I held true. I glanced at my mother, and she looked defeated too.

‘Not again,’ she said. Her face creased in consternation and I could tell that she was thinking back to the end of the last war and all the hardships it had brought.

*

I thought things couldn’t get much worse, but I was wrong. Heinrich arrived at our door one evening not long before the wedding. He looked alarmingly pale and was breathing heavily, as though he’d been running.

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked as I pulled him into our rooms. He almost collapsed onto the chair and held out an envelope, trembling. He looked at me with such despair that my throat closed.

‘I received this today.’

I took the envelope and opened it carefully, afraid it would explode in my hands.

Heinrich watched warily as I slid out the letter but the strain became too much for him. ‘I’ve been sent to the front,’ he blurted. ‘I leave tomorrow.’

The paper slipped from my hands. I made no move to pick it up as I stared into Heinrich’s eyes and felt the blood drain from my face. ‘No! You can’t go. They need you here.’

He shook his head slowly. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t do anything about it.’

I picked up the letter. It was hard to believe that something that looked so official could destroy our hopes so completely.

‘The medical corps,’ I read. ‘Poland… you join the unit in Poland.’ Tears stung my eyes, as I looked up to see Heinrich’s beloved face tight with anguish. ‘The Eastern Front,’ I added unnecessarily, but it was something we both needed to hear. Heinrich nodded.

I sat on his lap, hugging him fiercely, as if I could protect him from this duty and the danger it posed for him. He held me tightly but could not stop the fine trembling of his body. He had only just been able to quiet his demons and now they would have full reign again.

‘We were so close,’ he muttered. ‘All I want is to be married to you and to save lives.’

‘We will have that life,’ I whispered to him, my face pressed against his, the scratchy roughness of the day’s stubble wet from my tears. ‘It will be over before you know it. Just come home safe.’

‘You’ll wait for me?’

‘You know I will. I love you. You’re my other half. I can’t do without you. Come home to me and we’ll live the life we’ve dreamed of.’

Heinrich sighed and wrapped his arms around my waist, settling me more firmly on his lap. Even now, he couldn’t hide his desire. ‘The wedding. All the work you’ve put into it…’

‘The plans will wait until you come home. This war will be over soon and we can marry without the worry of it hanging over our heads.’ I nestled against him, determined to imprint the feel of him against my skin. I didn’t want to talk any more. We’d been through this before and there was nothing else to say. Pressing my lips to his, I sought oblivion, wanting the memory of his love to be the thing I would remember, the thing that would sustain me through the long months until he returned.

Heinrich kissed me, a long, passionate, lingering kiss filled with promise.

‘Let me stay,’ he breathed. ‘I want you close and more than kisses to remember you by.’

I pulled away. I was tempted to give in to desire but I had to be strong. I moved to put some distance between us before I succumbed, but saw a look of such longing in his eyes that I caught my breath. Then I shook my head.

‘My parents.’

‘They’re not home. They need never know.’ He reached for me, drawing me in.

‘I can’t disrespect my parents, especially under their roof.’

‘We can go anywhere,’ he said, clutching me frantically. ‘We are promised to each other.’

‘No, Heinrich.’ I touched his cheek. ‘I want us to do this properly. I don’t want you to leave, having taken your pleasure in a few furious moments of desperation. What if I were to become pregnant?’ I felt the flame of embarrassment rise up my cheeks but kissed him gently. ‘We’ll have something special to look forward to on our wedding day. I know it will be the most wonderful night.’ I blushed even further. Heinrich’s nearness and the thought of being with him were causing me not to think straight.

Heinrich stood, setting me on my feet without looking me in the eye. ‘I have to go. I still have to pack. The train leaves in the morning.’ His voice was suddenly cool.

‘Heinrich!’ I threw my arms around him and kissed him once more. He pulled away holding my hand as if he couldn’t bear to break all contact just yet.

‘Give your parents my best wishes. Tell them I will come home and become their son-in-law soon.’ He let go of my hand.

‘Come back safely to me.’ I could barely get the words out.

‘I will, I promise.’ He stood at the door, staring at me for a moment, as if memorising every detail of my face, as I did with his. Then he was gone, the door clicking closed behind him.

6

I was inconsolable. The date of our wedding had come and gone. Crying in Mutti’s arms did nothing to ease the gnawing ache that had taken up residence inside me. Vati’s assurances that Heinrich would be home soon didn’t fill the hollowness I felt. I knew they were worried about me. I don’t know how Mutti did it; she not only had to put up with me but Tante Klara’s fretful visits, beside herself with fear at losing her only child, all while cancelling our plans, their dream wedding now in mothballs.