Speaking of handcuffs, he has a pair in his top desk drawer, just in case you want to go that route, Lily whispers.

And there you are… wait, how do you know about the handcuffs?

He brought them out that night.

That doesn’t seem like River at all.

Well, maybe you don’t know him as well as you think, which is why you shouldn’t trust him.

He’s not… the man that broke into the house is he?

How the hell would I know? You think I know more than I do.

“Because I could tell you weren’t her that morning,” he answers my question and I tear my concentration from Lily and direct it on him. “And I could tell you were pretty fucking scared as it was that you couldn’t remember anything, so I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire by telling you I knew about her. Multiple personalities can be tricky, especially if you don’t know about it already.” He searches my eyes, maybe for her. “But I’m guessing you do.”

I grip the edge of the seat, pierce my nails into the wood, fight not to hurt him, fight not to protect myself. “Please get out of my way so I can leave.”

He shakes his head, only getting closer to me, his warm breath caressing my flushed cheeks. “Maddie, I want to help you.” His voice conveys fervidness as he gently puts a hand on my cheek again. “There’s no need to be afraid. These kinds of things can be helped… I want to help you.”

“What are you? Some kind of psychology expert now.” I sit up straight, put my hands to his chest, and force him to move back and give me breathing room. “This isn’t a sociology study, River. I don’t want your help. I can handle it.”

“That’s not what it looks like to me.” He brushes his fingers through my damp hair and tucks a few strands behind my ear. “You look like you haven’t been sleeping very well.”

“I already told you I haven’t. But it’s normal for people to have trouble sleeping.”

“Is it…” He chews on his bottom lip, thinking. “Is it because of her?” he asks and I find myself shrugging. “Or is it because of the police? And how you are handling the thing with Bella?”

“It’s nothing. I just get restless sometimes.” I bite down on my lip until I draw blood to distract myself from the pain of thinking what I might have done to Bella and how River’s sitting here worried about me over something I may have caused. For the last six years I’ve pretty much lived in solitude with only Lily as my company and Ryland, who doesn’t ask me questions unless I offer openings. I don’t like sharing my personal life with anyone and there are reasons for that—because it’s fucking insane. Now though, well Lily’s taken it upon herself to give River an opening to ask questions. I hate her for it. And I don’t really understand why she would do it.

Why did you do it?

Accidental slipup.

“So if you were with me… Lily that night, then maybe I did have an alibi.” I look for the silver lining in this mess.

He shakes his head, pulling his hand away from my face. “What I told you about losing track of you was the truth.” He tugs his fingers through his hair and sits back on his heels, frustrated. “I mean, one minute you were there and the next you were gone. But don’t worry. Like I said, I told the police you were with me, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Yeah, but I still don’t get why? You could get into a lot of trouble if they catch you.”

“I know that, but I want to help you. I really, really do. And it seems like you might need my help, you’re just afraid to take it for some reason.”

“You keep saying that you want to help me, but it doesn’t make sense. No one ever wants to help.” I say it with no true meaning behind it, yet it feels like I meant it. I can’t help but think about the dreams I keep having, the times I zone off, where I’ve been locked up before for whatever reason. Maybe no one helped me when I was locked away once, but if that’s the case, then why am I free now? Who freed me? Was it Lily? Did she help me escape? But then why would my mother act like she was bad?

“I like you Maddie, even if you don’t believe so.” River’s gaze sweeps across my body, my clothes wet and clinging to my curves. “I’ve liked you from the day I ran into you outside of my AA meeting.”

I’m not sure if I’m buying what he says or not, but I want to pick his mind some more, because he seems to be my only lead to what I did that night.

“So you don’t remember me talking to anyone?” I ask as he puts his hands back on my legs again, seeming really determined to keep me in the chair. “That night, I mean. Anyone that might could give me a legit alibi, or at least help me put the pieces together.”

“Bella. Me. You talked to some of the regulars.”

I shut my eyes , take in a deep inhale and let it out slowly. “I’m not sure it’s going to look good if I was talking to Bella.” I open my eyes and try to decipher his reaction.

He seems far too calm in this particular situation. “You didn’t do anything to Bella.” He considers something with his brows furrowed, fingers massaging my legs. “She talked to a ton of people that night. And so did you,” he gestures at the window, “I watched you guys for quite a while and you talked with each other, costumers, Leon.”

“Why would I talk to Leon?” I ask curiously. “I don’t know him.”

He shrugs, his hands sliding up to the tops of my legs, making my body betray me and shiver with need. “Bella was with you. Maybe she was introducing you to him.”

“Bella was with Leon that night?” It feels vaguely familiar, but maybe I’m searching for an answer to avoid the truth. Because no matter what, I did go to Bella’s apartment. Did black out. Did wake up in a room stained with someone’s blood.

“Yeah, they talked for a little while. I saw it through the window and then they parted ways and she spent most of the night with either you or clients.” He pauses. “From what I saw, no one seemed suspicious. Including you.”

“You were watching me through the window?” I ask, looking over his shoulder at the window that gives me a great view of the room below.

Get out of here. Now.

He shrugs again, but something in his demeanor changes—grows anxious. “You told me I could watch you that night, so when I wasn’t near you, I studied you from up here.”

I don’t trust him, Lily says.

Neither do I… I want to, but I can’t.

We need a plan. To get you out of here and away from him for a while, at least until you figure some stuff out.

Yes... I guess we do… but how?

Handcuffs, she entices.

Even though it makes me feel sick to my stomach, I decide that it’s time to get the out of here and away from River without him being able to follow me and insist he’s helping me. I need to figure some stuff out before I can go around trusting people. And the route I’m going to take is definitely stemming from my bad girl side—from Lily. I think about the knife and how she convinced me to slit her wrist. Deep down, a small part of me wanted to give into her so easily, just like I’m going to do right now.

“Are you watching me now?” I ask River, gliding my hands up the front of his chest and almost smiling when he shudders under my touch.

“What do you mean?” His voice is raspy as desire blazes in his eyes. “Of course I am. You’re right in front of me.”

“Clever.” I slant toward him and he doesn’t move back.

His eyes flick to my lips. “I know.”

“I’m sure you do,” I say in my most seductive voice then move closer to him. “You sure you want to help me?”

“Positive.” He wets his lips with his tongue.

“Okay then.” I press my lips to his and give him a soft kiss.

I’m not a good girl. I don’t care what they say. This is me. This is all I can be. I can’t fight who I am anymore. I’m a bad girl. I do whatever it takes to protect myself. Be a whore. Be whatever you need to be to survive, otherwise you won’t.

River kisses me for a moment, slipping his tongue deep inside my mouth. He tastes like cherries and smells like rain. It’s delicious and intoxicating, but ends too quickly.

He pulls back, his lips leaving mine. “Maddie, just relax.” He holds me back by the shoulders. “We could go to my place and talk for a little while, if you want.”

That’s the last thing I want to do, go somewhere alone with him. So instead of responding, I slant forward again and taste him deliberately.

“Maddie… we should… talk…” He’s reluctant at first, but then gives in, letting his arms bend and allowing my body closer to his. I kiss him, run my fingers through his hair, while his hands travel all over my body. It feels mind-numbingly good, makes me feel alive at the moment, makes it easier to push away the dirt inside me, the voice that shouts at me I’m being the whore the unknown man always told me I was. I wish it were that easy. That I could kiss him and just enjoy it, instead of worrying if I’m going to snap and kill him.

So that’s what I tell myself to get through this. That I’m doing him a favor by what I’m going to do to him. Protecting him from me. Getting to my feet, I guide him with me, making sure to keep our lips sealed as I back us around the desk, bumping into the corner and knocking over a picture on his desk. I bite at his lip then gently push him into the chair. He gazes up at me, eyes glossy, lips parting to say something. But I silence him by tugging his shirt off and discarding it to the side. My movements are reckless, rough, almost violent and it frightens me so much how I feel inside that I’m shaking. I trace my fingers up his lean muscles covered in tattoos, allowing them to slowly wander to the base of his neck, my fingertips quivering when I feel his erratic pulse. I feel him stiffen and I wonder if he’s afraid of me. But as if answering my silent question, he grabs me by the hips and jerks me forward so I land on his lap. Then he crashes his lips against mine. I slide my hands around his shoulders and to his back, scratching at his flesh, feeling something unravel inside me. I’m not Maddie at the moment. Nor Lily. I’m just a confused person who’s trying to survive the madness. Maybe that’s why I take it as far as I do. I could have just stolen the handcuffs before our clothes came off, but I don’t want to. I want to go further. I want to unfold. Shed my skin and just feel something other than fear for one goddamn moment. I want to become the person that I’m always fighting not to be. So I let him rip my clothes off and I do the same to him. Then he touches me, inside and out, his fingers wander over my nipples, my thighs, in me while he devours his lips. It feels so wrong, yet right at the same time.