Julie Halpern - The F- It List

Rabid Grannies was an oddly dubbed Dutch movie, odd because sometimes it actually looked like the actors were mouthing what they were saying in English. I always said I’d learn Dutch just to figure out what the hell was going on. Maybe I could put that on my bucket list, if I ever made one. It wasn’t any less noble than prank calls and masturbation.

I gingerly slipped out of the bed and put on my shoes. “Becca,” I whispered. “Becca.” She stirred enough to roll over but only responded by way of a snore. I found a Post-it on her desk and scrawled, “Went to Leo’s. Will let you know what happens when you stop snoring.” I stuck it to her pillow.

The crud of February had set in. All along the side of the road sat piles of mucky snow, hardened and blackened from the toxic sludge of cars. At least it wasn’t scary to drive in.

I pulled my winter hat as far over my ears as it could go and I tucked my gloved hands into my down jacket. The temperature had to be in the zeroes, which meant frozen boogers and cracking hair if I didn’t have time to dry it. I let my car warm up for two minutes, as was the advice of my dad when he taught me to drive. The worst part was having to sit in a frigid car until the little temperature gauge showed signs of life. Until then, turning on the heat only pulled freezing air away from the freezing motor.

When I saw the hint of temperature gauge movement, I turned the heat on full blast and put the car in gear. Before I went to Leo’s, I stopped at home to get the DVD. Mom sat on the couch with a tissue, blowing her nose and wiping tears from her eyes.

I had the most selfish thought of disappointment, that if my mom was crying I’d have to put my visit with Leo on hold to console her. But when she saw me, she pointed to a black-and-white movie on the TV. “Bogey and Bacall,” she sniffed. “One of my favorites.” I kicked myself with relief that she was only crying over a movie and ran upstairs to my room for the DVD.

“Forgot this.” I held up the movie, and she acknowledged with a wave of her hankie. I didn’t feel the need to explain where I was bringing the movie, and I’d still be home by eleven thirty as expected.

When I pulled up to Leo’s, I took a minute in the car to think about what might happen. The last time I was there, his brother had just died. We had sex. He said he loved me. This time I was packing an imported DVD called Rabid Grannies.

I rang the doorbell, and to my surprise his mom answered. I had only been at Leo’s one time before when his parents were also there, and they left soon after I arrived. I fumbled with my words, not knowing whether to bring up Jason or acknowledge how long it had been since I’d seen her. “Hi,” was all that came out of my mouth, and I spent an inordinate amount of time wiping the wet off my shoes. I heard the pound of Leo’s feet down the stairs, and he said, “Thanks, Mom. I didn’t hear the doorbell.” His mom said nothing and somberly shuffled away in her slippers.

“Sorry,” he said as he took my coat and hung it on the end of the banister. “My mom’s moods alternate between comatose and falsely perky these days.”

“That was the perky one, right?” I asked. He smiled a small smile, the kind he made that first day we hung out at the elementary school.

“I hope it’s okay if we watch in my room. Mom and Dad commandeered the big screen. I have a shitty setup, but it works.”

“Sure.” I shrugged. “The DVD looks like crap anyway, so it will be extra crispy.”

“Crispy?” he asked as we walked up the stairs.

“And Dutch.”

His bedroom window had been replaced, and his room was relatively neat compared to the last time I was up there. As I popped the DVD into his player, Leo lay down on his bed. There was a desk chair, and I considered sitting in it but thought that would be uncool. He was already on the bed, and it offered the best view of the TV. I lay down next to him, careful not to touch. He didn’t make any move to get closer. We started the movie, and my back, rigid with tension, eventually softened as the grotesque cast of characters began their journey to their great aunt’s house to find out which greedy soul inherited the fortune. Leo and I laughed at the dub and tried to figure out what the Dutch words for “eat” and “bludgeon” were. At some point, maybe halfway through, Leo’s arm connected with mine. A laugh moved it there, but he didn’t move it away after the laugh stopped. I inhaled involuntarily and hoped he didn’t notice. I had on a short-sleeved shirt, he had on long sleeves. Maybe he couldn’t even tell we were touching.

As the movie ended, we weakly applauded. “How did you ever manage to live without experiencing the pleasure of Rabid Grannies?” I asked.

He answered with a kiss. It was a firm kiss, and he held my cheek with one large hand. I needed that kiss. Every part of me needed it. Not just my body, which screamed at me to touch him ever since I landed on his bed again, but my mind, my heart, my soul. I needed him to show me he forgave me wholly for leaving him, so that I could show Leo how I truly felt for him.

For minutes, it was kissing, hands everywhere, clothes still on. It was me who wriggled my hand underneath Leo’s shirt.

“Wait.” He stopped me. “I don’t want to have sex.”

I had said it to him before, more than once, but hearing it said to me made me feel unwanted.

“Why not?” I asked, peeved. I didn’t know if I was mentally ready to go at it again with Leo, but I was afraid to hear why he didn’t want to do it with me.

I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest as though my body was somehow exposed through my black t-shirt.

“Don’t get mad,” he told me. “I’m just not ready to go there again yet. We’ve barely talked in months, and I can’t pretend we’re starting where we left off. I mean, shit, you dumped my ass where we left off.”

“I was hoping you forgot about that,” I said. “Maybe if we had sex you would?” I smiled at him through a cheesy grin.

“Momentarily, I’m sure I would. But, and stop me if you don’t feel this way at all, I’m kind of wanting something more than sex and gore with you.”

I hid “sex and gore” away in my brain as a kickass name for a movie. “No,” I said coyly, or as coy as I could muster. “I don’t just want that either. I think I did want that, originally, but things have changed.”

I waited for Leo to tell me he was just kidding, that he wanted to make me feel just as shitty as I made him feel. But Leo wasn’t like that. He was honest. Open. More so than I could ever be. But I was trying.

“So what’s changed?” Leo asked.

“Do I have to answer that?” I cringed.

“Yes. I deserve some emoting here, and besides, you’re adorable when you’re all squirmy.”

“Fuck you. I’m not adorable.” I whacked him in the chest.

“You are until you open your mouth,” he decided. “Fess up.”

I exhaled a deep sigh. “Fine. But you owe me, like, a foot massage or something for this.”

“A foot massage?” he laughed.

“Yeah. Isn’t that what couples do for each other?”

“Couples? Are we a couple?”

“You’re killing me, Leo.” I covered my face with my hand and attempted to spill. “I just realized that it’s okay to give and get good things sometimes, and it doesn’t make me a bad person if my life isn’t one hundred percent hell.” There. I said it.

“Aw.” He patted my head. “Was that so hard?”

“You’ll find out later when I kill you in your sleep.”

“I get so turned on when you talk like that.” He moved my hand away from my face and kissed me. I couldn’t fathom how I found a guy who liked me for my good and evil parts. But there I was, in the arms of Leo Dietz again, and I wasn’t hating myself for it.

THAT MONDAY, AS I NAVIGATED the hallway at school, I felt different. The dread was still there when I thought about Becca, the “what if” of the rest of her forever-pending test results. But Becca had returned to the person I knew as my best friend. Not fighting her discomfort anymore, she chose to stay home from school until she was ready. Her mom was more than okay with that, since it went along with her whole doomed vibe. Luckily, her mom spent so much time out of the house it allowed Caleb that much more time in. Becca drew an old-timey picture in my mind of her recuperating in bed while Caleb sat next to her reading love poems and refreshing her mint juleps.

Jenna Brown strode up to my locker as I finagled space for my backpack. “I hear Becca’s still sick.” She pouted overzealously.

“Her mom tell your mom that?” I was ready to jump down her throat.

She nodded. “The drama department put some money together to get her this.” She handed me a small box with a card attached. “It’s an iTunes gift card. So she can download TV shows and movies to keep her busy.” Jenna had a slight look of panic as she explained this, as though I would have an abusively snarky comeback. I thought about it, like why it took them so damn long or how would her mom know how she was because she was never around anyway. I stopped myself. What they did was a good thing. I couldn’t fault them for taking a while to do it.

“Thanks. I’ll give this to her. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

Jenna stood stock still, waiting for the punch line. I thought about fulfilling her expectations, when we were interrupted by the appearance of a super-tall figure behind her. I looked up at him and smiled. If I were one of those people, my eyes might have welled up with tears.

“Excuse me,” Leo said to Jenna, and stepped between her and me.

“Hi,” I breathed. He didn’t say anything, just leaned down, hands cupping my face, and kissed me. It was my first instance of hallway PDA, something I held so much disdain for I made it a point to mock regular culprits as a sport.