I shut my eyes and hug her tighter against me. “I love you, too.”

We hold onto each other, floating toward sleep, just like we did so many times when we were younger. We actually started sleeping together when we were about thirteen, after we’d been hanging out in my room and Ella didn’t want to go home because she was avoiding her family. I let her sleep in my bed with me, not because I was being a pervert but because I liked having her around and didn’t want her to go home. My mom worked nightshifts so I knew we wouldn’t get caught. It was the best night of sleep I’d had in a long time and after that it started becoming a habit. We alternated nights between our rooms and sometimes at other peoples’ houses, on park benches, and sometimes even in my car.

The car was actually my favorite place, because it gave me an excuse to lie closer to her. Yes, a lot of amazing things happened in that car. All Ella and I needed was each other and my car and we were good, no matter what life threw at us, even if she was mad at me. We raced in it. We kissed in it. We held each other in it, just like we’re holding each other now.

I smile at the memories flooding my head. I start to fall asleep, thinking about the night that started with a fight over a stolen kiss and ended with us falling asleep together, squished in the driver’s seat.

It started off as a really shitty night, but in the end it turned out to be one of the best nights of my life.

Chapter 17

Two and a half years ago…


Micha

It’s about time to race and I’m nervous, even though I have Ella in the car with me, my little good luck charm. We’ve been off balance all night, partly because my growing feelings for her are making things awkward since every time I’m around her I keep hoping she’ll say she has feelings for me, knowing if I’m the one to tell her first she’ll freak out. But not tonight. She’s had a rough day and is in a bad mood and even though I want to scream out to her that I’m in love with her, I know I can’t. I’m hoping, though, that after the race, we can drive up to our spot and talk for a little while, sitting on the hood of my car, listening to music—it’s one of my favorite things to do.

But for now I have to concentrate on racing, so I focus on driving, winning, and making sure Ella has a fun time tonight, despite the fact that I can’t stop thinking about kissing her.

“So are you ready for this?” I ask, pumping the gas as she dazes off, staring out the passenger window. She’s been doing it most of the night and I wish she would just tell me what’s on her mind.

She turns and looks at me. “Ready for what?”

I pump the gas again. “To race. I know how turned on you get over it,” I pretend to tease, even though it’s true.

She rolls her eyes, for a fleeting second looking happy “Whatever.” Then her expression falls and she looks out the window again.

I hesitate. “So do you want to tell me why you’ve been so quiet all night?”

She shrugs and lets out a loud breath. It grows deafeningly quiet in the car as she breathes in and out. I swallow hard and start to return my attention to the front of me, when suddenly she says, “Micha, can I ask you something?” She sounds choked and nervous and it makes me wonder what the hell she’s going to say.

“You know you can ask me anything.” I grip the steering wheel, staring ahead at the trees, unable to look at her, praying to fucking God that she’ll finally say something, like “Micha, can you feel it, too? Micha, please fuck me now. Micha, I love you.”

I’m hoping for the last one, even though it’s not really a question, but after a long drawn out silence, all she ends up saying is, “What’s the bet for the race?” She sighs at the end, like she was going to say something else—maybe something important.

I have to take a deep breath before I speak, otherwise all the emotions on the brink of exploding inside me will show in my voice. “I think, like, a hundred bucks.”

“Who are you racing?”

“Danny and his Challenger.”

“You’re totally going to win it.” Her lips turn upward and I think it actually might be a real smile.

I relax as I line up to race. I’m nervous and Ella can tell because she turns up a little “The Distance,” by the Cake, because she knows it’ll settle me down. When the lyrics and beat bump through the speakers, I look at her.

“Only you know the way to my heart,” I say with a tense, nervous smile. “Thank you, pretty girl.”

“Of course,” she replies, relaxing back in the seat, looking comfortable there, like she belongs there, which she does. “What are best friends for?”

I force a smile, then push in the clutch and shove the shifter into first. Danny’s in his Challenger to the side of us and he throttles up his engine. I return it, pressing the gas down so hard the car vibrates from the rumble of the engine. Then Danny’s girlfriend comes strutting up between the cars. There’s a rule that the girlfriend of the instigator of the race has to start the race. When I do it, I always have to pick some random girl from out of the crowd, because I’ve never had a girlfriend—never wanted one. I’ve tried to get Ella to do it a few times, but she always rejects me, saying it’s a sexist rule, when really I think she’s worried people will start to think we’re dating, even though a lot of people do already.

“You know you can always tell me to slow down,” I tell her, letting her know she’s safe. “If you get scared.”

“You know I don’t get scared.” She slips her shoes off and props her feet onto the dash for support.

The way she looks so comfortable makes me grin. “I know, but I always want to make sure.”

Seconds later, Danny’s girlfriend throws down her arms, and just like that we’re off, kicking up a large cloud of dust that smothers the audience. The longer we drive, the more relaxed Ella becomes, her head falling back against the headrest and she looks so relaxed as she shuts her eyes and breathes in the cool air blowing through the window. She looks so beautiful at that moment, so touchable, so fucking perfect, and I almost forget I’m racing.

Then I glance to the road and realize the Challenger has died in the middle of the road and we’re about to slam into it. “Shit,” I mutter and one of the gears grinds as I downshift and the tires skid in the dirt, the car swerving a little. I know if I don’t get control of the car something bad could easily happen. It’s not the first time this sort of thing has happened, but Ella is always the first thing to come to mind, which makes it more important for me to regain control.

“Micha…” Ella says as I crane the wheel to the side and downshift again.

The car fishtails, the back end winding a curvy path against the dirt as we swerve to the right. I hold my breath as we veer sharply around the Challenger and just about over-correct, but I use force to straighten the wheel out. I get it under control, but there’s little time for a celebration as the end of the road appears.

“Damn it.” I jerk on the e-brake and the tires screech.

We spin out of control, the engine making a lot of noises, but I get everything under control and in the end we’re racing back toward the finish line.

I release a breath as I floor the car, even though the Challenger is still stalled.

“Faster or slower?” I ask Ella playfully, because I’ve pretty much won the race.

She grips onto the door handle. “Faster of course.”

I grin because I’m not surprised by her answer and she laughs as I slam my foot on the gas pedal. The trees and dark sky blur by as the headlights light up the dirt road ahead of us. I shift gears, increasing the speed, and people scatter out of the way, worried I’m going to lose control because sometimes it happens. But I easily make it over the finish line, winning, and Ella looks so happy that it makes all the tension between us dissipate.

I smile this really stupid, goofy smile that makes Ella giggle and then I lean my head back against the seat, relaxing for the first time tonight. “Fuck, I thought I was totally going to slam into the back end of him for a moment,” I say with a laugh.

“I didn’t,” she says and I turn my head and give her a doubtful look, but still smile. “What? I knew you had him.”

“We had him,” I say. “And we have one hundred bucks to split.” I get really excited over the fact that I just won and she’s with me and she’s smiling, which was sort of the whole point of the night anyway. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I say, amped up as I pound on the steering wheel.

She snorts a laugh. “You’re such a goofball.” She laughs a little more and I swear to God the sound of it is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Rare and beautiful and it makes me want to touch her so fucking much. Without even thinking, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world, I lean over the console and pull her into a hug.

For a second, I worry she’s going to flip out on me because she hates getting hugged but she’s happy enough at the moment that she hugs me back and I can’t help but breathe in the sent of her. It’s intoxicating, along with her warmth and, God, I get so swept away in her, wanting to touch her, kiss her, be inside her. Before I even know what I’m doing, I tilt my head to the side and press my lips to hers. I don’t even know why I do it—I’m usually more careful—but I slip up and I know it the second our lips touch and she tenses, sucking in a sharp breath.

I panic and before she can say anything, I pull back and get out of the car. I’ve seriously fucked up, not just because I know she’s going to be upset with me, but because I took a happy moment and ruined it.