We have dinner in a quiet Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village, and I miss Derek terribly as I watch Frederick and Liz talk comfortably with one another. Frederick is at ease touching Liz, but I can tell it isn’t because she is an escort and used to being touched. Instead, it is an intimate and personal touch, and it isn’t a new one. They have a relationship of some kind, but I can’t guess what it is or how they’ve managed to keep it a secret. Or perhaps they haven’t. Seeing them in Derek’s room the night before, he seemed so at ease in their presence. I wonder if, in fact, Derek has known about their relationship, whatever it might be. But thoughts of Derek are a cloud over my mood, and I try to push them away. He naturally pops into my mind constantly, and it becomes an exhausting battle not to allow my anxious mind to dwell on him. I want to see him, and I’m counting the minutes until we can return to Trimbles for the night and I can.

But when I approach his door a few hours later, my knocks are met with silence. Eerie and unexpected silence. After knocking a number of times, I give up and retire to my own room for the evening. I’m exhausted, and as I take the next dose of pain medication, I’m eager for the medicine to wipe me out. I’m depressed, and sad to be away from him, and I can’t guess where he could be. Is he just avoiding me? Was he sitting in his apartment simply waiting for me to leave? Is he visiting another escort for the evening? I’m torturing myself, and I’m doing a really good job at it. But as I continue to torment myself with images of other women, my mind blessedly starts to go fuzzy, and then fade away altogether. It is a relief when I finally drift away for the night. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

Chapter 26

When I’m called to the administrative office the next day, I’m met by Liz and Frederick as I enter. Mr. Grayson and the club’s payroll manager are also there. Derek is disappointingly missing, and everyone is watching me carefully. As I sit, Liz takes the seat next to me and holds my hand. This can’t be good. I start to panic, thinking that something has happened to Derek, but as I look to Liz, she shakes her head, knowing my fears.

I turn to look at the payroll manager, a middle-aged woman I haven’t seen since my first day at Trimbles. This is apparently her show, and she speaks first. “So, Ms. Monroe, it would seem your debt has been paid in full. The entire $5.6 million was discharged this morning from a private account.”

She’s smiling warmly at me, but my confusion is evident. “What do you mean it’s been paid? Who paid it?” I’m incredulous, as my mind instantly floats to Derek. But he can’t possibly have this kind of money, can he?

“I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to disclose the source of the funds. The only thing that concerns you is that you are free from any obligation you were previously paying on. We don’t manage any responsibility of our employees’ debts, but when a limit is listed on a payable account and that limit is met, it is my responsibility to notify you. You will, as such, need to determine if you wish to remain at Trimbles and supply a new payable account, or if this will cause you to rethink your employment with Trimbles.” My mouth is open, and I’m struggling to process what she is saying.

Liz turns to me and speaks. “Ash, you are free from them.” She’s whispering, and I catch Mr. Grayson glaring and snorting at us both.

Where is Derek, and what does he or doesn’t he have to do with this? I have to know, and since I’m no longer under any control of this place, I ask, “Shouldn’t my manager be here for this?”

Mr. Grayson snorts and throws me a hateful look from his place behind the payroll manager. It is he who speaks next as the payroll manager’s gaze flits to him. “Mr. Pennington resigned yesterday afternoon, and he left very shortly thereafter. Sorry, Ms. Monroe, but he left no message for you or forwarding address. He was just your manager, after all, and I’m sure he has better things to do with his time than worry about an ex-whore.”

He’s smiling cruelly at me, and as I watch, the payroll manager’s gaze falls to her hands. She feels bad for me, and as she looks up, she smiles gently and gives a slight shake to her head. I sit stunned into silence, but Mr. Grayson speaks again. “Normally we would give you the option of staying on and transferring your payroll checks into another payable account, but seeing as you’ve been a pain in my ass from day one, I’m firing you. You are no longer welcome at Trimbles, and I expect you gone from the premises within the hour.” As he stands and waltzes to the door casually, he stops by my side and looks down to me. “What do you say? Wanna stop by my room and suck me off one more time for old time’s sake? No? No worries. You were a lousy fucking whore, and you gave lousy fucking head.” He speaks as though these words could ever possibly hurt, and as he exits, slamming the door behind him, the entire room breathes a sigh of relief.

I look to Frederick, hoping for anything at all, but he just shrugs. It’s a genuine shrug, and I can tell by the look in his eyes, he’s as surprised as I am to hear Derek’s gone.

When I look back to the payroll manager, she looks defeated as well, but with Mr. Grayson gone from the room, she speaks quietly. “I’ll tell you what I know. Mr. Pennington paid the debt yesterday afternoon. He also paid a large surplus of five million that has been deposited into an account in your name. I have an envelope with the details of the account for you. He left no forwarding information but said that he would be leaving immediately. That’s all I can tell you. I’m sorry. I’ve known Derek for many years, and for him to do something like this… He obviously cares a great deal about you to have done this. I just wish I could tell you more.” I watch her as tears sting my eyes, and then fall down my cheeks.

In my own defeat, I mutter to the room, “He didn’t care enough.”

I stand to leave, and Liz puts her arm around my waist to help me. I’m done. He’s given me the last rejection he owes me. It hurts worse than any pain I’ve endured over the last two months. I stare at nothing at all on the walk to the elevator, with Liz supporting my catatonic body. As she packs my belongings and the day dresses hanging in my closet, I sit on the chaise, staring out the window at the city skyline. I know where he went, but there is no point following him. Had he wanted me to follow him, he’d have not funded my entire lifetime in a nice little parting gift. He wants to be away from me, and while I know I’ll eventually rage against my memories of him, right now I hurt too much not to long pitifully for him. Liz returns to my side with a number of overstuffed bags. She sits beside me, and with a hand on mine, she tells me it’s time to go.

Frederick is waiting at the curb with his car, and Liz sits in the back seat with me. I’m numb, and my brain isn’t functioning in any normal capacity, and as Frederick asks where I want to go, I shake my head. I have no idea how to even begin to answer this question. Liz suggests a nice hotel, but I want out of the city. I want to be far away from this place and the memories that seem to slam into my brain like a freight train every time my heart beats. I ask to be dropped at the bus station, and as Liz and Frederick’s eyes meet in the rearview mirror, she nods reluctantly to him.

I choose Charleston, South Carolina, more because the bus is leaving almost immediately than any other reason, and as Liz holds me, we both cry. When I offer to pay her way out of Trimbles to run away with me, I’m serious. I can’t imagine my life without her support and friendship in it—especially now. But she shakes her head, and with a smile that isn’t quite bright enough to mask her own sadness, she looks to Fredrick. “I have my own reasons for being here.” I get it. I would have walked through the fires of hell for Derek, and didn’t I? What makes me think she wouldn’t, or hasn’t, done the same for Fredrick?

She makes me promise to call every day, and she promises me that she’ll visit me soon. As I settle into my seat and look out at her, Frederick approaches her from behind and pulls her body into his. The intimacy is undeniable. I know this intimacy well, and I’m running from my memories of it. I’m happy for her. They’re beautiful together, and I pray for her that she will be happier than I am in this life. I raise a final hand to them both as the bus pulls from the curb, and new tears prick my eyes and slowly roll down my cheeks as we depart.

Chapter 27

Charleston is beautiful, and within just a couple of days, I’ve rented a vacation home on the beach for a month. The cost is quite frivolous, but given the size of my Derek-funded bank account, I can afford to be frivolous at the moment. Besides, I’m in too self-destructive of a mood not to. The house is ridiculously big for one lowly ex-hooker, and I quickly settle into a quiet daily routine here.

I wake and make strong coffee. I wash and bandage my still-healing burn. It is no longer very painful, but the skin is still raw and new. Once that daily chore is complete, I call Liz for our morning chat, and we talk for a long time. She asks me if I’m thinking of calling Derek, and I always tell her I’m not, but her questions are leading, and it is obvious she thinks I ought to seek him out. I made the mistake of telling her that I know where he has a private home of his own, and since that time, she has all but begged me to go to him. But I won’t. Once I finish my daily call to her, I watch TV and read until the sun is high in the sky.