I never expected to learn so much about myself in the process, or fall in love with it along the way.


Sobbing as quietly as she could, she continued to type and prayed no one came up behind her and spotted her like this.


They say as journalists we’re supposed to stay as objective as possible when reporting a story. BDSM is an issue already charged with controversy. It’s fine to say that mental health professionals understand consensual sexual acts are normal and healthy behavior for those who willingly choose to participate, even if it is a minority of people.

But the truth isn’t nearly as clinical as that. And learning about BDSM changed my life for the better. I learned how to let go and trust and feel things I never before dreamed I would ever experience, much less enjoy…


Shayla’s fingers flew across the keys. She refused to censor herself and knew she’d completely sailed into the realm of commentary and editorial instead of a feature news story.

She didn’t care.

When she finished the story several hours later, a little after five o’clock in the afternoon, she copied and pasted the text into an e-mail to Loren. She included a brief note at the top of the e-mail.


This is a rough draft so please excuse any typos. Please let me know what you think.

S.


She hit send without reading any of it.

Then she went into the bathroom, locked herself in, and threw up before heading home for the day.

* * *

She somehow made it in to work Tuesday morning despite the horrible headache pounding in her temples. She hadn’t checked her inbox at all after sending Loren the e-mail.

But she’d spent hours cradling her cell phone in her hands and praying Tony would text her.

She couldn’t bring herself to send him a text Monday night. Before she went to bed, she wanted to say Good night, Sir. Or, Sweet dreams, Sir.

Or even, I love You, Sir. Get it out in the open.

Her heart ached, empty over the silence from Tony.

No How are you, pet?

No How’s My pet?

Nothing.

Worse, she knew, would be the pain if she texted him and received no reply.

Or worse still, confirmation that it was truly over between them.

I will not be clingy.

Grateful there wasn’t an editorial meeting Tuesday morning, she stuck to her cubicle and kept her headphones on as she began work on another story due Wednesday afternoon. She checked her e-mail but didn’t see a response from Loren.

At eleven that morning, a tap on her shoulders startled her. She wheeled around to see Loren, Leah, and Tilly standing in the entrance to her cubicle. She pulled her headphones off and started to speak, to ask them what they were doing there.

Instead, her tears flowed.

Loren was the closest and enveloped her in her arms as the other two women also surrounded her. “You’re okay,” she whispered to Shayla. “It’ll be okay.”

That only made her cry harder.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Loren asked.

She shook her head. Someone pressed a tissue into her hand. She blew her nose and tried to pull herself together even though her soul felt ripped loose and adrift.

“Have you heard from Tony at all?” Leah asked.

“No. I guess I don’t expect to because I know he’s super busy right now. The data center they’re setting up, it’s huge. He warned me he probably wouldn’t have any cell reception. It’s okay.” She took a deep breath and sat back as Loren stared down at her.

“We came to take you out to lunch,” Loren said.

“I…I can’t. I’m sorry. Not today.”

“That wasn’t a request,” Tilly snarked. “Unlike these two, I’m not afraid to get toppy on your ass.”

Shayla snorted, which turned into another bout of tears.

“Okay,” Tilly said, nudging Loren out of the way. “That’s it. No arguing. We go to my house for lunch. I’ll text Cris and Landry to scoot their tushies out the door for a couple of hours.”

Leah snickered. “I didn’t know Landry would scoot his tushy for anyone.”

Tilly had pulled out her cell phone. She hit a button on speed dial and put it to her ear. “Yeah, well, he will for me. I’m special.”

Loren laughed. “Special, huh?”

She nodded. “Yeah, those two men aren’t nearly as scary as they think they are. I’m way scarier. Especially this time of the month.”

Minutes later, they’d bustled Shayla down to Tilly’s car and were heading south on US 41 toward Tilly’s. Shayla sat in back with Loren while Tilly drove and Leah rode up front.

“I think you need to contact Tony and ask to talk to him,” Loren said.

“He’s busy. I don’t want to bother him while he’s out of town. He’s working.”

“You’re in a lot of pain, sweetie. I think it’d upset him to know you’re hurting like this.”

“It doesn’t matter. We had an agreement, and he stuck to it. I’m the fucking dumbass that fell in love with him.”

“Does he know you’re in love with him?” Tilly piped up from behind the wheel. “Men aren’t psychic, no matter how good a Dom they might be.”

“Love wasn’t part of the agreement,” Shayla said. “It’s my fault.”

Tilly let out a loud, barking laugh. “Yeah, believe me, I totally get that. That’s how I ended up with Landry and Cris for life. Love wasn’t supposed to be part of our deal, either. Yet there I went and fell in love with the guy, and fell back in love with Cris despite him being a total fucking dumbass sometimes.” At a stoplight, she glanced in the mirror and made eye contact with Shayla. “Unless you speak up and tell him what you feel, you’ll never know if he feels the same way.”

“Wouldn’t he have told me how he feels before now?”

Leah turned in her seat as far as her seat belt would allow. “You have to understand something. Tony is a very honorable guy. From what you told me, that wasn’t part of your original agreement. He might be a sadist, but he’s not going to force himself on someone.”

“But he wouldn’t have been forcing himself on me.”

“You might see it like that, but look at it from his point of view. He sees himself in a position of power over you as your Dominant. He will never do anything that, to him, seems like he’s abusing that power in any way. Okay, yes, sucky timing that he had to go out of town and you two can’t just sit down and talk about this. But you sitting here hurting and not reaching out to him isn’t healthy.”

“If he’d wanted me I’d think he would have spoken up. He’s not exactly bashful. Besides, he said he might be in contact this week.”

“Did he say when?” Loren asked.

Shayla shook her head.

“Did he say you couldn’t text him?” Leah asked.

“No,” Shayla said.

Leah turned to face forward. Shayla saw her doing something and realized she’d pulled out her phone and was sending a text. “What are you doing?” Shayla asked.

“I’m texting Sir Dumbass and telling him to check in with you.”

“Leah, wait. Please don’t. He’s working.”

Leah looked over her shoulder at Shayla. “So? I text him all the time when he’s at work. He texts me back when he can.”

“Please, no. It’s okay. Besides, I know he doesn’t like clingy women. I refuse to be like that. I can tough it out until he gets back.”

“Clingy? One text two days later isn’t clingy,” Loren said.

“I know what Tony’s talking about when he says that,” Leah added. “And believe me, you do not fit his clingy definition.”

Shayla shook her head. “Please, it’s all right. I’ll be okay.”

After looking at her for a moment, Leah turned to Tilly. “What do you think?”

Tilly shrugged. “I don’t know. The Domme and friend part of me says fuck it and chew his ass out. The slave in me understands why Shayla wants to wait him out.”

“Which part is winning?” Leah asked.

“I’m PMSing. Is that really a fair question?”

“We don’t want his balls removed,” Leah joked.

“Or roasted,” Loren added. “And no, we’re not asking Landry to hold him down for us.”

For some reason, that comment made the other three women laugh.

Tilly let out a melodramatic sigh. “You guys are no fun at all.” Tilly glanced in the rearview mirror again. “Sorry, Shay. Long story. We’ll tell you later.”

The women made her lunch, made her talk, and held her while she cried. By the time Tilly finally agreed an hour later to take Shayla back to the office, Shayla did admit she felt a little better after talking to her friends.

They exchanged another round of hugs before Shayla headed back upstairs. “Just text him,” Leah said. “Please? It’ll be all right. I’m sure the two of you will work this out. It sounds like you two just need a good, long talk.”

Shayla wasn’t so sure, but nodded for her friends’ benefits. But she didn’t text Tony.

He’s working. I won’t interfere with his work. I’m a big girl. I can wait until he’s back, unless he texts me.

It didn’t stop her from keeping her phone in sight on her desk, next to her computer, and the ringer volume turned up loud.

* * *

When Shayla’s phone rang that night, her heart jumped. Instinctively, she grabbed it and answered without looking at the screen.

“Hello?”

“Shay?”

She frowned and looked at the screen. That wasn’t Tony’s voice.

The screen read Rat Bastard.

Shit. James.

She took a deep breath, her tone immediately U-turning from warm and hopeful to chilly and neutral. “What do you want?”