It was his turn to flinch.

I held my head high and walked ahead of him toward the palace. I was very disturbed. Had Louis set him to spy on me? Hardly. It was not Louis’s way. No. Thierry Galeran had taken it upon himself to do so; but I was certain that what he had discovered would be reported to Louis.

I decided that I would confront Louis before Thierry Galeran could do so.

I went to him. He looked rather embarrassed to see me. So perhaps he knew. He would have been aware of my fondness for Raymond but it would never have occurred to him that we could be lovers.

I had changed. Love had changed me. I knew now what I wanted. Before, I had been vaguely dissatisfied. Now I was entirely so. I would not stay with Louis.

I found him at his devotions which irritated me further.

“Louis,” I said. “I must speak to you ... alone.”

He nodded and signed to those about him to leave him.

Before I could speak he said: “We shall be leaving Antioch in a few days’ time. I have been discussing this with those concerned and they believe we can make the necessary preparation, and in, say, three days resume our journey.”

“It is folly,” I cried. “It is going to begin all over again ... all the hardship and misery ...”

“We all know that our goal is Jerusalem. There has never been any doubt of that, and however hard the road is we must take it.”

“Louis,” I insisted, “you have already lost the bulk of your army. Do you intend to lose the rest?”

“We came for a purpose. God will look after us.”

“He has been a little remiss in that direction so far,” I said wearily.

“We are here now. We have come through so far.”

“And what of those who have not? What of those who have died either from the sabers and arrows of the Turks or from very revolting illnesses? Do you call that looking after?”

“Eleanor, you frighten me sometimes. I fear that God will take some terrible revenge on you. You talk blasphemy.”

“Perhaps He might like those of us who speak the truth. After all, what is in my mind has been put there by Him. But enough of this theology. If you are foolish enough to leave, I shall not come with you.”

“You cannot mean that!”

“I do, Louis. I am not leaving Antioch.”

“How can you stay behind?”

“Perfectly easily ... as my uncle’s guest.”

“Your place is with your husband and the French army. Have you forgotten that you are the Queen of France?”

“That is a matter about which I want to speak to you.” He looked puzzled.

“Louis,” I said, “let us be frank. You and I are not suited, are we? I believe there are times when you regret our marriage. As for myself, I regret it all the time. We cannot go on. I want a divorce.”

“Divorce! How can you suggest that? You are the Queen of France.”

“Queens have been divorced before. I shall not be the first.”

“But ... why? It is impossible.”

“Why?” I asked. “Because you are not meant to be a husband. You know it is the Church to which you give your devotion. I might want to marry again. I want a divorce.”

“You would renounce the crown of France!”

“Yes, I would. I should no longer be Queen of France and you Duke of Aquitaine. But it would be better for us, Louis. We should be so much happier without each other.”

His face puckered as he looked at me. He was bewildered and unhappy. I was amazed. In spite of everything, he loved me in his way. It was not a passionate desire such as I had for Raymond, but it was a steady affection, an admiration for my beauty, I supposed, though it was difficult to believe that Louis was susceptible to that. He had really been very patient with me. He found a wife embarrassing. He was continually trying to avoid physical contact; and yet, all the time, in his way, he loved me.

I felt a little touched, but it did not prevent my determination to get away.

“I believe you have not given this matter enough thought,” said Louis. “My poor Eleanor, you have suffered a great deal on this journey, and here you live in luxury provided by your uncle. You have always been too fond of pleasure and you should pray for help to conquer that. I think perhaps you are a little overwrought.”

“No,” I cried. “I do really believe we should be happier apart.”

“We have taken solemn vows. On what grounds could we break them? It would be a terrible sin in God’s eyes.”

“Consanguinity is a sin.”

“Consanguinity? What consanguinity?”

“Families like ours always have links with each other. There must be close blood ties between us.”

“Eleanor, what are you saying? I think you are tired. You have suffered a great deal.”

“I am tired of a marriage which is no marriage.”

“What do you mean? What of our daughter?”

“One child in all these years! Why? Why? Because you are more of a monk than a normal man. How can a woman get children in such circumstances? You are not meant to be a king, Louis. And you would not have been ... but for a pig.”

Louis said: “It is God’s Will that I am as I am. It was God who put the crown on my head. It is His Will that you are my wife. This is something I accept and you must needs do the same.”

“Louis, will you consider this matter of a divorce?”

“No,” he said vehemently.

I thought I saw the beginning of one of his violent rages which could spring up like a storm at sea.

“Think of it,” I said, and left him.

It was not long after that when he came to me. He dismissed my women. I thought: He has seen Galeran. He knows the truth now.

I was right.

He was staring at me in horror. I imagined he was picturing me writhing in Hell fire for which he was now sure I was destined.

“A most disturbing suspicion has come to my mind,” he said.

“I know what it is,” I retorted. “Your spy did his work well.”

“Spy ...”

“Galeran. He has been very watchful of me.”

“I cannot believe him.” He was almost pleading. “If you tell me it is a lie, I will believe you.”

“If it is that Raymond and I are lovers, it is no lie.”

He looked completely taken aback. He stammered: “The man is your uncle.”

“And so?”

“You and he. This is more than adultery. It is incest as well.”

“Have done,” I said. “Raymond and I love each other. That is something you cannot understand, Louis. I know that full well. But we love each other and I am going to stay in Antioch. For the first time in my life I know contentment. You may be a monk, Louis, but I am no nun. I have done with the old life. I have endured it too long. I want to be free.”

“I am astounded. I could not have believed this of you.”

“Which shows how little you know me.”

“To break your marriage vows ... and with your uncle!”

“He is a man, Louis, and you and your spy could not understand that. I have endured this life too long. I will no more. You can go, as you plan to, with those poor men who must follow you to their misery and possibly death. But I shall stay here.”

“You cannot do this, Eleanor.”

“I can and I will. It is finished between us, Louis. No more of that reluctant intercourse. You should be rejoicing for I am sure you hated it as much as I did. Just think of it! You can pray all night if you wish and none to reproach you. See the good sense of this. We are not for each other. You want to spend your life in prayer and meditation. I want to live mine. Two such people cannot live together in harmony.”

“It is indeed time we left this Court of sin.”

I laughed. “You were glad enough to come when you were starving and sick. You are ungrateful, Louis. If I were my uncle, I would turn you out at once.”

He was tight-lipped and controlling his rage.

“We shall leave at the earliest possible moment and you will be with us,” he said.

“No,” I cried. “Never.”

And I left him.

I told Raymond of that interview. He said he had guessed Louis would not agree to a divorce.

“I have told him that when he leaves he will go alone.”

“Perhaps in time then ... Who knows?”

“He could not believe it when I told him, although that snake Galeran has been spying on me for a long time. But now Louis knows.”

“The marriage could be annulled on grounds of adultery.”

“I do not care on what grounds as long as I am free.”

Raymond was thoughtful. I supposed he was worried about the effect this would have on Constance if it became generally known that he was my lover. I imagined that there had been love affairs in his life before. Perhaps Constance—married to one who must surely be the most attractive man in the world—was ready to accept his infidelities and look on them as a necessary evil.

“Louis has said nothing to me of his departure,” said Raymond.

“He is determined to go.”

“We shall have to see what happens.”

“But I shall stay here with you, Raymond.”

“I could endure nothing else,” he said fervently.

A mood of wild recklessness came over me. Raymond had made me realize what I was missing in life and I had no intention of going back to the old ways. I wondered at myself for allowing my youth to have been frittered away with a man like Louis. Time was passing. I must begin to live my life as it must have been intended that I should.

I was longing for Louis to be gone.

There seemed to be tension throughout the palace. It was only natural, said Raymond, that a man like Louis should be completely bewildered to discover that his wife was in love with another man—and that man her uncle. He was as one who did not know which way to turn.