K. Robinson - Tainted

He smiled. “I’m okay with you being addicted to me.”

“I’m sure you are. I just…I don’t know where to go from here. How do we heal?”

“Together. We heal together. The rest will fall into place.” He picked up my left hand and stared at the ring shining brightly on it. “I was so afraid that you would say no when I asked you to marry me. I was sure that you were done with me.”

“I would never say no, but I think we need to learn about each other again before we run off and get married. We have to make sure that this will work. We’ve both changed so much in the last few months.”

“I agree, but I won’t deny how happy I am to see that ring on your finger. You’re mine and mine alone.”

I smiled. “I am, and we’ll work through everything. We’ve come too far to give up now. I want you to promise me something though.”

“Anything.” He played with the ring on my finger.

“If you ever feel like you’re about to fall, tell me. I never want you to think that you have to handle your addiction on your own. I know you’re clean, but the temptations will always be there, especially in your profession.”

“I won’t fall. There’s no way that I’ll ever go back,” he said with determination.

“But if you ever start to feel the pull, tell me. I will help you through it. I promise.”

“All right, I promise. I really think that I’m okay now though.”

“I’m glad, but don’t ever think that you have to hide anything from me.”

He looked at me and smiled. “When did you get so smart?”

I elbowed him. “I’ve always been smart.”

He laughed as he grabbed our now empty trays and set them on the cart. “And so humble.”

I eyed him suspiciously as he crawled back into bed and pulled me closer to him.

“What are you doing?”

“We have to leave soon, so I want to hold you while I can. You never know what could happen between now and tonight. I might say something stupid, and you’ll run away from me.”

“I’m not running from you anymore. I think we’ve both done enough of that to last a lifetime.” I scooted up a bit, so I was eye-to-eye with him. I brushed my lips against his in a gentle kiss—one of comfort, not of lust. “We’re going to be okay.”

He kissed me back. “We are.”

We stayed in bed for a few minutes longer before finally crawling out and getting dressed for the day. We had everything packed up and in the car a few minutes later. I sat in the car and waited while he went to the main office and checked us out. As soon as he got into the car, he started it and took off for the interstate.

I felt myself relax as the miles slipped away. While it hurt to know how much pain Drake had endured by himself, it was something that I needed to know. We had to put the hurt, the anger, and the pain all out there, so we could heal and learn to trust each other again. While I knew it would take time for us to get back to where we had been, I felt whole again with him by my side. During all of those months apart, I had felt like I was missing a piece of myself. It was funny how one person could walk into your life and change everything about you.

I pulled myself away from my thoughts. “Why are you so quiet over there?”

Drake usually made small talk as he drove, but he’d been suspiciously quiet since we hit the Missouri state line a few miles back.

“Do you remember me telling you that I moved to West Virginia with my uncle after my parents died?” he asked.

I nodded. It seemed like years ago when we’d sat and discussed his parents near Cheat Lake, but I still remembered every little detail that he’d given me.

“Well, I’m originally from Missouri. My old house is only about an hour from here.”

Now, I understood. He was silently mourning his parents and the childhood that he’d lost so long ago.

“Do you want to go see it? Or them?”

He gripped the steering wheel tightly. “I don’t know. I’m not even sure if I remember where the house is or exactly where they’re buried.”

“Well, we could try to find them. Have you been back since…since you moved to West Virginia?”

He shook his head. “No, I haven’t.”

“Then, we’ll try,” I stated, more as a command than a suggestion.

“We’ll try.”

We spent the next hour in silence as I listened to my phone give directions to his old address. We pulled onto a street filled with middle-class houses, and then Drake parked across the street from a pretty white house.

“There it is.” He stared across the street.

The house was similar to several houses on the street. It was a white two-story home with blue shutters and a massive front porch that had several baskets of flowers hanging from it. A child’s swing set and a kiddie pool were in the front yard. There was a younger woman sitting on the porch, watching a little boy swinging with all of his might on the swing set.

“That was me so long ago, but the swing set was over there.” He pointed toward a flower garden. “And our pool was in the backyard.”

“It’s a beautiful home,” I said, unable to think of anything else to say.

“It is. It doesn’t seem like I’ve been gone for ten years. I wonder what my room looks like now. Maybe it’s his.” He gestured to the little boy on the swing.

“Do you want to get out? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we went over to talk to them and to see the house up close.”

“No, it’s their sanctuary now, not mine.” He started the car and pulled away.

“Do you still want to visit your parents?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure if I can handle it.”

“I’ll respect whatever you decide, but I think you should. You need closure and I’ll be right beside you if you need me.”

He reached across the console and took my hand. “I know you will. I’ll try, but if I want to leave, we leave. Deal?”

“Deal.” I held his hand tightly.

The cemetery where they were buried was only a few miles from their house. Drake took a couple of wrong turns, but we eventually found it. It was small but well taken care of. We were both silent as Drake drove through the area until we stopped near the back.

“They’re over there.” He shut off the car.

“Do you want me to wait in the car or come with you?” I asked.

“I want you with me.”

We both stepped out of his car and started walking toward the back row of stones. Drake held my hand tightly as if he were afraid that I’d leave him alone. I wouldn’t leave him though. I knew he needed this to help him accept that they were really gone. He stopped when we reached a large stone with the name Allen written across the top of it. Underneath were his parents’ names, Diane and Landon.

“There’s nothing on their graves. We should’ve brought flowers or something,” he said.

“I don’t think they care about that. I’m sure they’re just happy that you came back.”

“I shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. I just couldn’t face coming here. I was just a kid when it happened, and then life started happening, and I pushed it away. Coming here makes it real. I can’t pretend that it was just a bad dream. I’m staring at their fucking graves. Graves—that’s all that’s left of them in this world. How is that fucking fair? What did I do to deserve losing them?” With each spoken sentence, his voice grew until he was shouting.

I felt helpless as I watched him drop to his knees and fall apart beside me. He was in so much pain, and I couldn’t do anything to help ease it. He’d pushed their deaths away for so long, and now, all of the pain and guilt was too much. It was crippling him.

I dropped down beside him and lifted his head with my hand. “Look at me. You did nothing to deserve losing them. Nothing! You were a child, Drake. This world can be a terrible place, and every day, people go through things that they shouldn’t have to. You just need to remember that there are people here who care about you, and they want to help you heal.”

“I’m so lost, Chloe. I think I always have been.”

“I’ll help you find your way. You are such an incredible person, and that shines through even when you try to hide it. None of us are perfect, and we never will be.”

“I don’t want to screw up and lose you again. I can’t handle it.”

“Don’t be afraid of that. I’m not going anywhere.”

Tears were sliding down his cheeks as he turned to look at his parents’ graves. “Do you think they’d be proud of me? I’ve screwed up so much in my life.”

“We all screw up. I think they would be proud of the man their son has become.”

He pulled me against him and hugged me tightly. “Thank you for making me do this.”

“You have to accept your past before you can move toward your future. Accepting their deaths is just one part of your past.”

“I just miss them so much.”

“I know you do. My mom was a terrible person, and I still miss her.”

He smiled. “Only you could miss Andrea.”

I sighed. “I know. I just can’t help it. She was my mom even though she never wanted to be.”

“Your problem is that you care too much.” He kissed my forehead. “But it’s a good problem to have.”

“Thanks.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m going to go back to the car. You need time here by yourself. I’ll be right there if you need me.”

“Okay.” He released me and turned back to the graves in front of us.

I stood and walked back to the car.

I watched from the passenger seat as Drake sat down on the ground in front of his parents’ grave. I could see his lips moving as he spoke to them, and I prayed that he took the time to say everything he needed to say. He needed this. He was so broken inside, but he always hid it so well. It was time that he let it all go before it destroyed him. After all, it nearly had. He’d almost lost everything because he refused to deal with the hard things in life.