“Nope. My parents died when I was ten, so I lived with my uncle.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Drake. I didn’t see that in your file. I know it’s hard to deal with losing a parent, especially both. What happened to them?”
“Some asshole was drunk and hit them.”
“I see. I’m sure it was a terrible time for both you and your uncle.”
“It was for me. I’m not sure how he felt. He was in the military, so he worked a lot. We never really talked about their deaths. He took me in, but he left me alone to do my own thing.”
“How long has it been since you’ve spoken with your uncle?”
I shrugged. “It’s been a while. I think it was a few months before Chloe and I got together. He’s currently deployed again.”
“So, it’s safe to say that you’re not close with your uncle?”
“I guess. I mean, I like him and all, but we never really clicked. I owe him a lot though. He took me in when I had no one else, and he forced me into rehab last time.”
“It sounds like he cares a lot about you, but he just doesn’t show it that often. Did that ever bother you?”
“Not really. He could never replace my parents, and I never expected him to. I’ve been on my own for most of my life, and I like it that way.”
Dr. Peters nodded. “I see.”
We sat in silence, both of us staring at each other. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to continue telling him about my childhood or what. If he was, he was out of luck. I thought I was going to explode from the silence in the room.
Then, he finally spoke. “Tell me about your drug habits as a teenager.”
“Why does it matter? It was a long time ago.” I was suddenly annoyed with him.
“I’m just trying to get a better feel for you, Drake. While the past is the past, it often affects our decisions later on in life.”
I started to roll my eyes, but I caught myself at the last minute. “There isn’t much to tell. I was left at home, unsupervised a lot, and I started smoking weed with my friends. When we were old enough to go to the cool parties, I began using any drugs that were available to me. I mainly took pills, but I used acid and cocaine from time to time.”
“And how did you handle rehab when your uncle forced you into going?” he asked as he wrote something in my chart.
“Like any sixteen-year-old would. I was pissed, and I fought it for a while. When I finally managed to straighten up, they released me.”
“So, you’ve always been stubborn?” He grinned at me.
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”
“It’s not a bad thing to be stubborn, you know. It just means you know what you want out of life.”
“I guess so. I never really thought about it like that. When people tell me I’m stubborn, it’s usually intended as an insult.”
“That was not how I intended for it to be interpreted. Anyway, how did you handle things after you were released from rehab?”
“I was okay. I met up with Jade and the guys right after, and we started our band, Breaking the Hunger. I used it as a distraction when things sucked in my life. Plus, I was sixteen and in a band. Do you have any idea how many girls there were to distract me? I mean, come on, it’s every sixteen-year-old boy’s fantasy to have older girls throwing themselves at you!”
He laughed. “I’m sure it was quite entertaining for you and I’m also sure you had several girlfriends during that time.”
“No way. There was no way I was going to tie myself to one girl when I could have them all.”
Wow, I sounded like a complete douche canoe, but it was true. I’d spent the last few years with more women than I could count. It wasn’t my fault they were all sluts and threw themselves at me.
He raised an eyebrow at my statement. “Exactly how often were you with different women, Drake?”
“Once the band started getting popular, I was usually with a different one every night.”
“That’s quite a lot. Did it ever bother you that you slept with so many different women?”
“Not really. I guess I used them instead of drugs. If I was pissed off or down, I’d just take one of them back to my uncle’s house. The band lied and told the bars that I was eighteen, so we could play in them. I don’t think any of the women realized just how young I was. They might have felt bad if they did, but I doubt it. Women like that are only after one thing, and I was glad to help them.”
Yeah, I was definitely getting the asshole-of-the-year award after this conversation. Sure, after I got with Chloe, I’d regretted sleeping with so many women, but I’d never thought about how screwed-up I was to do it.
“Wow, I’m an asshole, aren’t I?” I asked.
“I don’t think you’re an asshole per se. I think you just used those women to deal with things. How long did this go on for?”
“Until a few months before Chloe and I got together. After I realized how I felt about her, I still slept with various women for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stop. Then, I was watching Chloe in class one day, and I realized I could do a hell of a lot better. She saw the good in me even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I love her so much.”
“And she left you when she discovered your habit?” he asked.
“Yeah, she said she couldn’t be around someone like me again. Her mother was always high, and she had abused Chloe throughout her entire life. I guess she was afraid that I’d do the same thing.”
“And would you?”
“Of course not! I love her! I would never hit her!”
“There are different kinds of abuse, Drake. It’s not just physical. There are mental aspects as well.”
“I admit that I got angry a lot, but I don’t think I abused her in any way. She left before things turned bad.”
“You said that you still love her. Do you think there is hope for the two of you?”
That was the million-dollar question. I was hoping that she would take me back, but there were no guarantees. She might have moved on by now anyway.
“I don’t know. I hope so though. I fucked up the only relationship I ever cared about. I feel like I can’t breathe without her around.”
“I’m simply making an observation here, but I think that you are the type of person who requires a coping mechanism at all times. First, you used drugs, then women, then Chloe, and finally, you went back to drugs. Why do you think that is?”
“The drugs and women served as a distraction, but Chloe was different. She made me feel things I didn’t think I could ever feel. She made me feel like I was alive for the first time in my life.”
“I think we’ve figured out where things went wrong with you. You never deal with any of your problems. You simply push them to the side and use drugs and sex to distract yourself. If we can teach you how to face things head-on, I think you will be able to go through life without the fear of a relapse.”
I grinned. “You’ve already figured me out, doc…and with only two sessions. I’m impressed. If you keep it up, I’ll be out of here by next week.”
He laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far. We have a lot of work to do, but I have faith in you. You can beat this.” He glanced down at his watch. “I think that’s enough for one day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I stood up before he even finished speaking. “Works for me.”
“I want you to think about what we discussed today. Remember, you are in control of how long this process takes. The sooner you can come to terms with everything, the faster you will be out of here.”
During the rest of the week, our sessions were much like the first one. We would always go over everything from the session before, and then we’d move on to new topics. I had to admit that Dr. Peters seemed to know what he was doing. Every time I walked into his office, my need to hold back faded. As much as I hated to admit it, talking to him helped me, and I was learning a lot about myself.
I wouldn’t deal with my problems. Instead, I’d run away. At the first sign of trouble, I’d run to the nearest distraction, and I’d hide until the storm passed. This last time though, I’d used cocaine when I felt the storm coming back. Without it in my system, I was forced to deal with my actions over the last few months. There were things that I regretted so much—especially my jealously with Chloe and Jordan’s friendship and my anger toward her. She didn’t deserve the way I had treated her.
My first visitation was on Sunday. Jade, Eric, and Adam came, just like they had said they would. It felt strange at first. We weren’t sure what to say to each other. But after a few minutes of forced conversation, I finally opened my mouth and apologized for being such a dick for so long. After that, some of the tension eased, and it seemed like old times, like we were back in West Virginia, talking and joking in my kitchen or at the bar. When it was time to go, Jade hugged me tightly. “I’m so proud of you. I can already see such a big change in you already.”
Over the next few weeks, I learned to deal with my demons. Dr. Peters started at the very beginning with the deaths of my parents. I realized that I’d never really accepted their deaths even though I thought that I had long ago. During that session, I broke down and cried for the first time in years. I missed them so damn much. How was it fair that they had been taken from me when I was only fucking ten years old? What had I ever done to deserve that?
When I asked Dr. Peters that, he frowned. “No one ever deserves something like that. This world is a hard place to live in, and you were forced to learn that at an early age. No one blames you for feeling angry or betrayed. Anyone in your position would feel the same way.”
"Tainted" отзывы
Отзывы читателей о книге "Tainted". Читайте комментарии и мнения людей о произведении.
Понравилась книга? Поделитесь впечатлениями - оставьте Ваш отзыв и расскажите о книге "Tainted" друзьям в соцсетях.