Erin McCarthy - Sweet

“How do you feel about Riley?”

I paused, my T-shirt over my head, ready to be pulled on. I eyed Bill, suddenly feeling suspicious. “What do you mean?”

Bill leaned back on his elbows on my bed, shrugging. “It just seems to me like maybe he is the kind of guy who can get you to open up a little.”

“I opened up plenty for you,” I told him coldly. What was he getting at? I didn’t like the turn this conversation was taking.

“That’s not what I mean. You never tell me anything about yourself. I don’t know you at all, Jessica, not really.”

“I’m not a deep, dark secret.”

“Can I ask you something without you assaulting me?”

“Well, that’s promising.” Nerves jangling, I pulled my shirt on and down over my chest. “Sure, why not? I’ve been insulted on a regular basis lately, why not keep the trend going?”

“I’m serious, and this is as a friend. Why do you push guys away?”

“I don’t push guys away. That’s the real problem, according to some people,” I said wryly.

He gave me a long look. “Okay, fine. You don’t want to talk about it with me. That’s cool.”

“Talk about what?” I asked, totally exasperated.

“You like Riley, don’t you? I’ve always thought you did.”

That caught me off guard, and I felt my cheeks heat. “No, I haven’t always liked Riley. After this week, I am more comfortable around him, but there’s nothing there, trust me. He thinks I’m a slut.” Just saying it out loud made me bitter all over again, and I could hear the wobble in my voice.

“Come here.” Bill patted the bed next to him.

I obeyed, my shorts in my hand.

“You’re not a slut,” he told me as I sat down.

“I know.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, wanting the comfort he was offering. “But why do I feel so bad?”

“Because having feelings for someone is a pretty miserable experience, that’s why.” He brought his arm around my back and hugged me to his side.

I laughed. “Apparently.”

“I think a lot of guys, myself included, are more comfortable taking our clothes off with a girl than showing her how we really feel. Sex is easier than emotion.”

Sex is easier than emotion. That was scary accurate.

I fumbled to drag my shorts on up over my ankles, my calves, my knees, my thighs, up, up, to cover myself. It suddenly felt wrong to be talking about this with Bill in my underwear.

Because he was right.

I could take my clothes off with any guy I was attracted to. Yet I showed no one who I really was.

How ironic that naked was more covered than conversation.

The knock on my door had me jumping. “Oh, shit,” I muttered, knowing being in my room with Bill wasn’t going to sit well with Riley. Fumbling to zip my shorts, my fingers trembling, I was still trying to process what Bill had said. What it meant to me.

“Jess?”

“Yeah?” I called out.

But Riley was already opening the door. “Hey, the photos look really good—”

His words cut off when he stuck his head in and assessed the situation.

My fingers were still on the snap of my shorts, having finally gotten the zipper up. I tried to tug at my shirt, like that’s what I had been doing all along, but Riley wasn’t buying it. He looked at Bill, the rumpled bed we were sitting on, my hand, and no doubt my guilty expression, and exploded.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he yelled. “Come on! Jesus! This is how fast you move on?”

“We’re going to the movies, that’s all,” I told him. “Calm down.”

“Dude, she’s telling the truth. We are just friends.” Bill held his hands out in a conciliatory fashion.

Riley looked like he wanted to kick the door. In fact, his foot actually lifted, like he was contemplating it. Not wanting any more damage to the house, I jumped off the bed and rushed over to him. “Riley, stop!”

He paused and ran his fingers through his hair in clear frustration. “What the fuck is going on? For real? Last night you told me there’s no you and me, but is this what you really want? Me to leave you the fuck alone so you can do whatever?”

The anger, no, the pain in his voice left me speechless.

Bill filled the awkward silence I left dangling.

“I’m just going to take off. Jess, I’ll catch you later.”

Normally I would have protested, said he didn’t have to leave, that no one was going to chase off a friend of mine. I would have taken a stand, been defiant.

But I couldn’t. Because Bill was my friend, but so was Riley.

No matter what he said about friendship being shady between guys and girls, we were friends, because that’s what you called someone you cared about, right?

I cared about him.

“Thanks, Bill. Talk to you later.”

Bill moved through the door. Riley didn’t step out of his way, but instead glared at him. To Bill’s credit, he didn’t react at all, and he didn’t flinch or shift out of the way. He just waved at me over his shoulder and barreled through.

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” I said to Riley, afraid he would take it upon himself to punch Bill at some point. “You don’t have to look at him like that.”

Riley just shrugged. “I can look at Nerd Boy any way I want. It’s my house.”

Hopefully, Bill was far enough across the living room that he didn’t hear the rude slur. I wanted to tell Riley he was being a dick, but that would just take the conversation off topic. “Last night I was upset because I don’t understand what it is you want from me,” I told him. “First you want sex, then you want a relationship, then you say no, just dating, and no sex. I don’t get it. But I like you, Riley. I really like you. So no, I don’t exactly want you to leave me alone, but I can’t have all these labels and expectations and rules put on whatever we’re doing.”

“Can you please button your shorts?” Riley refused to look at me.

That was the response I got? Anger shot through me. I shoved his chest. “You’re an asshole!”

“What?” He sounded put out. “It’s distracting!”

“I’m trying to share my fucking feelings, something I don’t do with just anyone, you know, and you aren’t even listening! You’re obsessing over the fact that I might have done something with Bill despite the fact that we both said nothing happened.”

He shot me a guilty look. “Well, I can’t help it! The idea is killing me.”

“I told you nothing happened! I just told you that I like you! Do you know how many times I’ve told that straight out to a guy I wasn’t together with?” Furious, I held up my index finger. “Once! In my whole life! And it was to you, just now, so thanks for fucking it up.”

Spinning around, I was prepared to walk away. To go where, I had no idea, but somewhere where I didn’t have to look at his face, because I wanted to punch him in the jaw. Or at the very least shove him again, and I didn’t want to lose control like that.

But he grabbed my arm and stopped me from retreating. “You like me?”

It was really amazing how thick-skulled guys could be. “Duh. I thought we established that last night.”

“But you got mad at me.”

“Because you were being confusing as hell. And I was exhausted. And then this morning you were gone and there wasn’t a note or a text or anything and I had no idea where you were. I thought you were pissed at me.”

“I went to work out and then to the grocery store. I got you Diet Coke and Greek yogurt. Plus a refill for the air freshener.”

He had? My anger started to thaw.

“I didn’t think that you would wonder where I was. I didn’t think that you would, well, care.”

Giving an indignant sniff, I said, “Then you’re stupid.”

He smiled. “Obviously. So Nerd Boy was really just here to go to the movies?”

“Yes. I was bored and lonely.” So there. “I didn’t want to take the bus and he has a car and offered to pick me up. That’s it, though I’m not sure why you’re so jealous when you’re not offering me anything anyway.” It wasn’t pretty, but I wanted information. If I was fishing with a pole and line off a boat before, now I was wading in the river, hillbilly hand fishing. I might as well have said, “Click Like if you would date me.”

Pathetic. But I needed an answer, a solid yes or no so I could move on either way. Limbo land doesn’t work for me.

Riley made a sound of exasperation. “Jessica, you drive me crazy. I said I want to date you. What is so unclear about that?”

Part of me wanted to ask for clarification, but then I would be doing exactly the thing that had been making me crazy about him. So I just shrugged, pulling my arm from his touch and crossing them. “Nothing, I guess,” was my stellar and petulant answer.

But I couldn’t help it. Being emotionally vulnerable sucked. It was why I never did it.

Riley reached out and pried my arms off my chest.

“What are you doing?” I asked, feeling even more out of control with my chest uncovered, my arms forced down to my sides. I actually turned my head, unable to be that exposed.

But he took my hands and placed them on his waist. Then he gently tilted my head back toward him, his hand cupping my chin as I fought the urge to close my eyes.

“Hey,” he murmured.

“What?” I was fighting the urge to bolt.

But then he said, “I like you, too. In fact, I like you a whole helluva lot. So let’s just do this thing, see what happens. You good with that?”

There was an honest-to-God lump in my throat. It was like I’d swallowed a marshmallow. So I just nodded.

Riley gave me a soft, gentle kiss that disarmed me. I didn’t get kissed like that. Boyfriends kissed girlfriends that way, with a soft sense of worship. Guys tended to worship my breasts more than my mouth. I might have sighed. Or maybe I just imagined I did. I’m not sure. I just know that something shifted in me right then, something that told me what was happening between Riley and me was . . . real.