Susan Mallery - Sweet Trouble

“Oh, I think it’s more than fun,” Jesse teased. “You’re remembering to practice safe sex, right?”

“I’m ignoring you,” Paula said as she set down her purse on the kitchen counter. “I do like him.”

“He likes you.” Jesse had a feeling it was beyond simple “like” for both of them. Bill and Paula seemed to have fallen hard for each other.

“He lives in Spokane,” Paula said. “That’s a bit of a problem, but not one we have to deal with right now. It’s just-interesting.”

“Sometimes interesting is a really good time.”

“I know.” Paula settled on one of the stools by the counter. “How are orders at the bakery? Still piling in?”

“We have more than we can fill, but we’re working the program. Nicole and I have finally reached an understanding.” She filled Paula in on the conversation she’d had with her sister earlier that day. “I didn’t realize what a knot I had in my stomach until it was gone. I’ve missed Nicole. I’m sure we’ll fight, we’ve always fought, but it feels different now. Like we’ve cleared the air. I like that.”

“I’m glad. Any other air being cleared?”

Jesse grinned. “You’re not subtle.”

“I know. I just wish you and Matt could get back together. I have selfish reasons. Not only would it keep you and Gabe close by, I could probably let go of some of the guilt I’ve been carrying. Not all of it, but even a little would be good.”

Jesse touched the other woman’s hand. “Don’t feel guilty. You reacted to a situation. But you didn’t force Matt to turn his back on me and you’re not the reason I left town.”

“Easy for you to say. I keep thinking about how much better things would have gone if I’d just stayed out of everything.” Paula squeezed Jesse’s fingers. “I can’t undo that, but I can hope for the best.”

“There’s nothing for you to undo. You were looking out for your son. I have Gabe, now. I get it. I would do the same thing.”

Paula smiled. “Well, maybe not the same thing.”

“Something close.”

“Okay, thanks for saying that. Matt was over the other night. How was that?”

Jesse thought about the lovemaking, the connection, how she’d finally felt right with him. “Good. Better than good. He’s great with Gabe and that’s wonderful. I think-” She swallowed, barely able to think the words, let alone speak them. “I’m hoping we have a chance. I think he still has feelings for me. I’m not sure.”

“I think he does, too,” Paula told her. “From what I’ve heard, there have been a lot of women in his life, but no one has gotten close. I can’t helping wondering if it’s because he never stopped loving you.”

A wonderful, thrilling, terrifying thought. Terrifying because if he had forgotten what they had together, she would be crushed.

“I want that to be true, but I don’t know,” Jesse said honestly. “I’m afraid I’m reading too much into his actions. Wishful thinking.”

Paula looked at her. “Because you never stopped loving him.”

Jesse nodded slowly. “I guess I can only give my heart once. He has it. The question is, does he still want it?”

MATT AND GABE WALKED to the front door of the house. Matt paused before knocking, wanting to enjoy these last few minutes alone with his son.

“I had fun,” he told his four-year-old.

Gabe grinned up at him, then leaned against him. A slight weight, but so special. “I love you, Daddy.”

Gabe had said that before. He expressed his feelings easily. Was that because of his age? Was it due to Jesse? Matt wasn’t sure. He’d always been wary of sharing his heart and after Jesse he’d vowed never to love again.

But this was different. His connection with his child transcended ordinary love. It was beyond anything he’d known and it mattered more than he would ever be able to explain.

He crouched on the porch and stared into Gabe’s big blue eyes. “I love you, son.”

Gabe threw himself into his arms and hung on as if he would never let go. “For always?” he asked in a whisper.

“For always. No matter what. No matter what happens. I love you. I’m your dad.”

Gabe squeezed harder.

Such small arms, Matt thought, holding him equally tight. Such a small body to hold so much life.

They released each other and went into the house. Gabe went running off to find Jesse and his grandmother. Matt moved more slowly, still feeling the emotion of the moment. Jesse found him in the formal living room no one ever used.

“Are you all right?” she asked as she approached. “Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah,” he said, looking at her move, remembering her naked. “We did great.”

“Gabe’s excited. He loves spending time with you.” She winced. “Sorry. Just had a guilt flash.”

One she’d earned, he thought grimly, trying not to get caught up in all he’d missed. The flicker of passion died as if it had never been.

“I grew up without a father,” he said. “I didn’t know anything about him and my mom wouldn’t say much except he wasn’t interested in the fact that she was pregnant. She wasn’t all that interested in having him be a part of our lives and me asking about him made her cry, so I stopped.”

Jesse nodded, looking uncomfortable. “Gabe asked about you more and more. It’s one of the reasons I came back. I knew he had to have the chance to get to know you.”

He shouldn’t have had to “get to know” his son. He should have been there from the start. “I looked him up a few years ago. My father. I had an investigator find him and let him know I was looking for him. I didn’t use my name. I didn’t want him interested for money.”

Jesse’s expression softened. “Oh, Matt. You shouldn’t have to worry about that.”

He didn’t let himself respond to her. “He wasn’t interested in me. He said he hadn’t cared about his bastard before and he didn’t care now. He told me to go away and never bother him again.”

She crossed the room and held him. He let her, absorbing her concern without feeling it. “Today, with Gabe at the park, he tripped and fell. It was like I was falling, but worse because I didn’t care if I got hurt but I didn’t want anything to happen to him. I reached for him and caught him, but in that second, I died a thousand times.”

She raised her head and stared at him, her eyes bright with tears. “I know,” she whispered. “I know exactly how that feels. It’s horrible to be so afraid and so unable to control everything that’s going on. Sometimes I can barely breathe for worrying. But he’s tough and strong and he’ll make you proud. You’ll see.”

Gabe didn’t have to make him proud. Matt’s love wasn’t conditional.

Emotions welled up inside of him. The feelings for Gabe, his rage and anger at Jesse, anger she apparently couldn’t sense. He wanted to shake her for stealing all this time from him. He wanted her punished. He wanted her to suffer as he’d suffered.

She smiled then. It was a little shaky around the corners, but happy. “Matt, this probably isn’t the time or the place. But-I love you. I probably never stopped loving you.” She laughed and stepped back. “Please don’t say anything. I just want to get this out. I’m so sorry about what happened with Gabe. I hate what you lost and if I could change it, I would. But we can’t make the past different. So we have to deal with where we are. I hope-”

She cleared her throat. Color rose on her cheeks. “I hope you can forgive me. I know it’s going to take a while, but I’ll wait. I hope you can understand why I did what I did. I hope we can come to some agreement about Gabe. Sharing him or whatever.”

Whatever? She wanted more. She wanted it all, he thought contemptuously. If she thought that was possible after what she’d done, she’d never known him at all.

She raised herself on tiptoe and kissed him. He let her, even helped by bending slightly. Then she smiled at him and left.

He watched her go. When he was alone in the room, he pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through the names until he found the one he needed.

“Heath,” he said when his attorney picked up. “It’s time. I want Jesse served.”

MATT DIDN’T SLEEP THAT night. He kept tossing and turning, thinking about Gabe and Jesse and what was going to happen when Jesse was served with the papers. As he lay in the dark, he told himself he should be pleased. He’d won. His victory would be her broken heart and shattered life. She would pay for what she’d done to him.

He thought about how he and Gabe would hang out together. How his son would run to greet him when he got home from work. How they’d take trips on weekends and do guy stuff together. Maybe he’d get a boat and they could go out on the lake. But instead of his son’s smiling face, he saw Gabe in tears, crying for his mother. He saw a faceless nanny spending her days with the boy because he, Matt, was busy at work. He saw the pain in Jesse’s eyes.

He gave up pretending to sleep around four in the morning, got up and went into his study. There he researched schools online. Only the best for his son. He visited college Web sites and told himself he was doing what had to be done. That Jesse had earned her suffering, even as a voice in his head whispered that Jesse had run because she’d been hurt. That she hadn’t deliberately set out to keep him from Gabe.

“Does it matter?” he asked aloud. “The end result is the same.”

He didn’t want to be reasonable. He didn’t want to see her side of things. He wanted retribution and payback. He wanted her to know the loss he’d experienced.

But he didn’t want to hurt Gabe. And somewhere, deep inside, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hurt Jesse, either.

He swore loudly in the silence of his study. If he didn’t do this, how was he ever supposed to forgive her for what had happened? How was he supposed to get over what he’d lost? Wasn’t this the only way?