And I certainly never would have expected an ice- skating party on my birthday, seeing as how it's just slightly too warm out for skating!

But trust Michael to find a way to give me EXACTLY what I wanted.

Well, pretty much, anyway.

After I'd screamed at everyone for keeping such a big secret from me, I found out that none of them had actually known about it, except for Michael, who'd come up with the idea and arranged the whole thing, and my mom and Mr. G, who'd been in charge of making sure I was in the dark about it. And my dad, who'd paid for it ... as well as for twenty stationary bikes, which he was donating in my name to AEHS, so we could have spin classes instead of vol- leyball from time to time. . . .

It's not enough to create a personal workout and health program targeted to every student's own specific health needs. But it was a definite start!

Principal Gupta is going to die when they're delivered on Monday.

Everyone had a good laugh over my indignation at Grandmère's plan. "Like I was ever going to let her do any such thing," was what my dad had to say about it (he said he'd tried to invite Grandmère to the skating party, but that she'd declined the invitation. I didn't tell him that was because she's busy taking Andy Milonakis to Genovia. I figured he'll find that out on his own, soon enough).

Even Lilly was like, "You didn't REALLY think I was in on her scheme to put you on MTV, did you?" Um, yeah. I really did. But I didn't tell her that.

Finding out that she really hadn't been was a totally awesome birthday present—but one that made me feel totally terrible when, while we were all chowing down on cake and lacing up our skates, Lilly came over to me and whispered, looking super weird, "I did it. I told him."

At first I didn't think I'd heard her right, because they had the sound system turned up so loud, with Rihanna's "Pon De Replay" blaring. Then I noticed her expression, which was a mixture of dismay and total embarrassment. And I realized what she'd said.

My God. She'd drunk the fat. LILLY DRANK THE FAT!!!!

Even Ross didn't drink the fat when Rachel asked him to. He was GOING to, but at the last minute, she stopped him. . . .

Only I hadn't gotten a chance to stop Lilly from drinking the fat. Because I had never in a million years thought she'd go ahead and do it. I mean, we're best friends, and all.

But that she'd actually gone ahead and DRUNK THE FAT??? I couldn't believe it.

"You TOLD him?" I practically shrieked.

"Shhhh!" Lilly pinched me. A birthday pinch to grow an inch, I guess. "Not so loud! Yes, I told him. That's what you wanted, wasn't it? That's what you said I had to do so you could trust me again. So I did it."

And then I felt the mean little elf that had sprung alive inside me the day before die a quick, ignominious death. What had I been thinking? Why had I asked Lilly to do something so stupid—and humiliating? Telling J. P. she loved him wasn't going to keep her from cheating on him with some other random guy, as she'd done to Boris, or keep her from mortifying me at this, or any other future event. I can't believe I'd asked her to do something so stupid . . . so practically guaranteed to make him run from her like a startled fawn.

But even more, I couldn't believe she'd actually done it.

Glancing over to where J. P.—who was turning out not to be the world's best skater—was being coaxed by Lars to let go of the rink wall, I asked,

"What did he say? When you told him, I mean?"

"Thank you," Lilly said softly.

"You're welcome," I said. "I knew if you were just honest with him about your feelings, it would all work out." I'd actually known no such thing, but it seemed like the right thing to say. "But what did he say?"

"That's just it," Lilly said, still not looking very happy. "He said Thank you."

I blinked at her. "Wait . . . you told J. P. you love him, and all he said back was Thank you?"

Lilly nodded. She still looked . . . funny. Like she didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

And honestly, I didn't know which she should do either.

"Not exactly an explosion of passion, huh?" Lilly said.

"Not exactly," I said. What could J. P. be thinking? Who says Thank you to someone who says they love you? Especially to someone whose tongue has been in your mouth?

Then, because the whole thing was my fault, really, I said, "But it could be, you know, that he didn't know how to reply. I mean, on account of him not being used to having a girlfriend. Or any sort of human interaction, aside from his parents."

Lilly brightened a little. "You think?"

"Totally," I said. And, since Michael had skated up to us at that very moment, I went, "Hey, Michael.

If a girl tells a guy that she loves him, and the guy says Thank you, that means he's just not used to that level of intimacy, doesn't it?"

"Sure," Michael says. "Or that he's not that into her. You got a second?"

"J. P. is TOTALLY into you," I assured Lilly, who looked like she was about to kill Michael. "Seriously. Stay here, I'll be right back—"

Then, skating away with Michael, I said, "Why'd you have to say that? She just told J. P. she loves him, and all he said was Thank you!"

"Huh," Michael said, pulling me to the far side of the rink. "Bummer for her. Open your present now."

"My present?" All thoughts of Lilly and her romantic travails left me. "Michael, I thought this party was my present! It's so fantastic . . . the snow, the skating, you and me . . . how did you know this was exactly what I wanted?"

"Because I know you," Michael said, leading me off the ice until we stood in front of a huge box I hadn't noticed before. And I do mean huge. It was taller than me, practically. "Open it."

I opened the enormous cardboard box, and found, standing inside it—

"A Segway Human Transporter!" I shrieked. "Uh," Michael said quickly. "Not really. I mean, it's a human transporter, but not a Segway. We promised to make each other gifts from now on, remember? So I made you a self-balancing scooter- it's just like a Segway, with the same safety features, redundancy and fool proofing, but it's not the actual—"

"Oh, Michael!" I cried, throwing my arms around his neck. I seriously felt like crying, I was so happy.

Especially when "(I've Had) The Time of My Life," from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack, came on over the sound system, and I looked out across the rink and saw my mom skating with Mr. G . . . and Tina skating with Boris . . . and Lars skating with Janine (don't ask me where she'd come from) . . .

and Shameeka skating with What's-His-Name . . .

and Perin skating with Ling Su (I'll think about that

one later) . . . and Dr. Moscovitz skating with Dr. Moscovitz, even though they were arguing over the collective unconscious

. . . and even my dad skating with Ronnie (I'm sure Ronnie will tell him she used

to be a man, sometime). . . .

But, best of all, J. P. skating with Lilly, and not running from her like a startled fawn, in spite of her having told him that she loved him.

"Come on, Michael," I said, pulling him back out onto the ice. "Let's have the time of our lives." And so we did.