She wondered what it must have been like, growing up in his world. Hers had been lonely, but she’d never had to be afraid. Zach had been locked up for four long years. How had he spent Christmas? His birthday? She knew instinctively that no one had remembered. No one had sent a card or visited. No one had ever cared.

“Do you ever see your mom?” he asked.

“Not really. I call her a couple of times a year. She’s still married to my stepfather and, well, we still don’t get along.”

She didn’t want to think about the hideous things the man had said to her. All these years later, the memories of his verbal abuse still had the power to make her feel small and vulnerable.

Zach was at her side in an instant. He took the mug from her fingers and set it on the ground, then he grabbed her arms and shook her slightly.

“What did that bastard do to you?” he asked, his voice low and furious. “Did he hurt you?”

She stared at him. She could make out the shape of his face and the fury in his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Did he touch you?”

She realized what he was asking. Color heated her cheeks. She shook her head. “No.”

“Jamie!”

“Zach, I swear, he never touched me. He didn’t hurt me that way. He was smarter than that.”

“Then what?”

“I-” She didn’t really want to tell him. The memories were too humiliating. Zach’s anger didn’t give her a choice. “He was very nice to me in front of my mother, but as soon as she left the room, he turned on me. He said mean things to me.” She sucked in a breath. “We moved to Phoenix when I was eleven. I came home from school one day in tears. I couldn’t make any friends and I felt so alone. For some reason, he was home instead of my mother. He got me to tell him what was wrong, then he started laughing. He told me that I was too ugly and stupid to have friends. No one would ever like me. He said my mother didn’t even like me, but she pretended because she was supposed to.”

“And you believed him.” It wasn’t a question.

She nodded. “I was a kid. I didn’t know what else to believe. I’d never had a lot of friends. I was pretty much a loner. I stopped trying to fit in.”

His hands slipped down her arms to her hands. He squeezed her fingers. “So you became a spy.”

Surprisingly talking about the memories wasn’t as painful as she’d expected. For some reason, the telling was easier. Maybe it was the dark night. Maybe it was the fact that a lot of time had passed and she was her own person now. Maybe it was Zach.

“Actually I became a runner. When the kids teased me, I ran away. I just kept running. I started to like it, and by high school I was a track star.”

“A jock,” he said, brushing his thumbs against the backs of her hands. Shivers raced up her arms. She wanted to cuddle close to him, but she didn’t dare. The moment was special enough. She couldn’t risk rejection.

“Absolutely. I was the girl who was good at all the sports. I was better than a lot of guys, too. You can imagine how popular that made me. It was the same in college. For a long time, I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I was growing up, but I didn’t have many friends. I thought the world was weird, but then one day I figured out it was me. I was hiding behind the sports, keeping to myself rather than risking relationships with other people. Despite this aura of confidence, I’m basically shy. I decided to start taking risks. Talking to students in my classes, that kind of thing.”

“Did it work?”

“Sort of. I was never popular. I never got asked out, but I had more friends.”

“You have friends now,” he stated.

“I know. I’ve learned a lot.” She smiled. “Do you know there was a time I’d actually thought about going into the FBI?”

“Why didn’t you? You could have traveled.”

“I suppose. But I wanted more autonomy. That’s what the agency offered.” But sometimes she wondered. If she could turn back time, if she could do it all again, would she do things the same? She wasn’t so sure.

He released her hands and straightened on the swing. They were close enough that their body heat combined, making her warm. She ignored the tingling in her fingers and the blood settling low in her belly. At least he didn’t move back to the chair.

“Why’d you come after me?” he asked.

“I told you. I pay my debts.”

“Is that what you told Winston?”

“Sure.”

“And he believed you?”

She shrugged. “Why wouldn’t he? It’s the truth.” She struggled to keep her tone light.

“We both know better than that, Jamie. What’s the real reason?”

“Does it matter? Isn’t it enough that you’re alive?”

He didn’t answer. She bit down on her lower lip and considered her options. She could change the subject, she could lie or she could tell the truth. Somehow the latter seemed easiest.

“I couldn’t bear to think of you dying there,” she said softly. “The feeling in my gut told me you were still alive, but Winston wasn’t going to send in another team. I didn’t have a choice.”

“Thank you for saving me.” He gave her a quick smile. “Alive is better than dead.”

“You’re welcome.” His proximity and their conversation gave her courage. “Do you have any regrets?” she asked. “About the agency, I mean.”

“Sure. Doesn’t everybody?”

She wanted to ask what his were, but courage deserted her as quickly as it had come. Was she one of them? Did he regret their time together? She would have sold her soul to know he regretted letting her go, but that would have required a miracle and she didn’t think she was due for one.

You’re a fool, she told herself. At least that hadn’t changed. She’d always been a fool where he was concerned. Seven years ago, she’d handed over her heart, only to have it returned broken and bleeding. Now she was still throwing herself at him, only this time the reasons weren’t as clear.

“What are your regrets, Jamie? Not just about the job, but about anything.”

She pulled her knees up to her chest. Her blanket slipped down. Before she could reach for it, Zach tucked it around her. The unexpected gesture made her want to have him hold her forever. Instead, she thought about what he’d asked.

“I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to fit in when I was younger. School would have been a lot more fun.”

“Do you regret the job?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because you left.”

She thought about the question. “I don’t regret all I accomplished. I have the satisfaction of knowing I made a direct difference in people’s lives. What I did mattered.”

“You did good work.”

She turned toward him. “How would you know?”

“I make it a habit to keep up with all my students.”

Bitter disappointment coated her tongue. She didn’t want to be one of his students. She wanted to be special. Different. Important.

Wishes…they were such a waste of time. If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

The night closed around them. Jamie looked up at the stars twinkling from the heavens. “I didn’t think it would cost this much,” she whispered. “I didn’t know that the darkness would get inside of me and eat me alive.”

“I tried to warn you.”

“A lot of good that does me now.”

“Jamie, I-”

She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t bother explaining, Zach. You’re right. You did try to warn me. I still remember what you said. That this wasn’t going to be a nine-to-five job. It wasn’t selling insurance or working in an office. That once I crossed the line, I could never find my way back. I suppose I should have listened.”

But she couldn’t have. Not then. At that moment, seven years ago, all she’d been able to focus on was that Zach didn’t want her. The pain had filled her until nothing else was real. She’d carried the hurt for years. In some ways, it was still with her. The job had been the only constant she could cling to. She would never have wanted to hear the agency might not be the right place for her. After Zach rejected her, she had something to prove.

“I didn’t believe you,” she said at last.

“And now?”

“Now I know you were right. Satisfied?”

“No. Despite what you think about me, I didn’t want to be right. I wanted you to make it work. No one else had, but I thought you might have a chance.”

It took her a couple of minutes to figure out the burning in her eyes wasn’t from exhaustion but from tears. Dammit, she refused to cry.

“Sorry to let you down,” she said lightly as she blinked away the moisture. “I guess I can’t be your best student after all.”

She wondered if he heard the bitterness behind her attempt at humor. If he did, he didn’t mention it.

“I can’t help you find your way back,” he said quietly. “I don’t know that there is a way. I’m sorry. I wish it could be different.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished. I knew you could be the best. I knew the price you would pay and I tried to warn you, but I think I always knew you weren’t going to listen. Whatever else happened between us, I always respected you.”

She didn’t know what to say. It was the first time he’d referred to their time together without being cutting or sarcastic. Intense longing filled her. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him close until they both forgot everything but being together. She wanted to be near him, naked, touching, loving. She remembered what it had been like to make love with him. He’d been so considerate, teaching her everything she would ever need to know.

But she didn’t reach out to him. Instead, she cringed as she recalled her innocent enthusiasm and how eager she’d been to learn. What had he thought of her then? She’d held nothing back, not physically or emotionally. She’d exposed her very soul to this man, and he’d chosen to walk away.