Danielle Steel - Summer’s End

“Like what?” She was amused at the idea. Athens? She forced her mind back from thoughts of Marc.

“I don’t know. We could go down to Beverly Hills. I haven’t been down there in weeks.” He usually went just for the day and was back in time for dinner. “Or one of these days we could even go to New York.” He was never very far from his work-other galleries, other dealers, auctions, artists. In his own way, his passion for his profession wasn’t so different from Marc’s. The differences were that he included her and that it was a passion which she shared as well. “In any case, my darling, what is your pleasure this weekend?”

“I told you. Carmel.” She opened her eyes with a warm, happy smile.

“Then Carmel it is.”

“And that reminds me…” She put her head back with a frown. “There are some things I want to pick up at the house.” She hadn’t been there in days. Now and then she wondered what Margaret must be thinking. She had explained that she was working in a friend’s studio and that it was easier to sleep there most of the time. But her occasional morning stops at the house to rumple her bed after Margaret had had the night off wouldn’t fool anyone, least of all a woman who had worked for her for years. But what could she say? I’m in love with another man? So she simply kept her peace and avoided the old woman’s wily, blue eyes.

It was two in the afternoon when Ben dropped her a block from the house. She wanted to look at the mail and sign a few checks. She had to pay Margaret and leave her more money for food, not that she ever ate at home anymore. Her heart and her stomach all lived somewhere else. She didn’t even work in her own studio anymore. She did all her painting at Ben’s, including the painting she had been working on secretly, whenever he wasn’t at home.

Deanna let herself in and called out to see if anyone was home. But Margaret wasn’t there. Why should she be? Deanna never was, and there was little to do. There was the usual stack of bills and uninteresting invitations, no letter from Pilar, and nothing from Marc. He didn’t write to her. He called. There was no mail for him either. Whenever he was away, Dominique came to the house three times a week and collected his mail to send by pouch, along with official papers.

She walked slowly up to her room, the mail in one hand and the other holding the banister, and stopped at the head of the stairs. It was depressing to be back here. It was like being forced to give up a dream, to grow old again, away from the man who talked about marriage and twelve kids. She smiled to herself at the thought and sighed when she heard the phone. She decided not to answer it, but then wondered if it might be Ben, stopping at a pay phone while he waited. It was as though no one else existed anymore, only the two of them. She couldn’t imagine that it would be anyone but him.

“Yes?” There was a smile in her voice when she answered.

“Allo?” Oh, Jesus, it was Marc. “Allo?”

“Marc?”

She was buying time.

“Obviously. And I’d like you to explain this nonsense about the show. Dominique just called me.”

“How convenient.”

“I told you what I thought. And what you’ve done is in very poor taste.” He sounded livid.

“On the contrary, I can assure you it was all in very good taste.”

“That, my dear, is debatable. You know perfectly well I forbade you to have the show. And the publicity! For God’s sake, Deanna, it makes you sound like some sort of hippie.”

“It most certainly does not.” Her back stiffened at the thought. “The reviews made me sound like a serious artist. And it could just be that I am.”

“I thought we had resolved that quite a while ago.”

“Maybe you did, but I didn’t.” Damn him. He didn’t understand. He never had.

“I see. In any case, I hope this gala new you isn’t planning to indulge in conspicuous events like this every day.”

“Hardly. I’ll be lucky if I show every five years.”

“In that case, I’m sorry I missed this one.”

“No, you’re not.” She was furious now and she would not play his game.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said you’re not sorry you weren’t here. I’m sick and tired of your hypocrisy. How dare you belittle my work.”

“Deanna?” He was shocked.

“I’m sorry, I…” God, what was happening? She couldn’t keep her stuffing inside anymore. It was as though she had to let everything out. “I don’t know, Marc… I think I’m tired.”

“I think you must be. Was this a bad time to call?” His voice dripped sarcasm and ice. He didn’t like her attitude at all. She should have been made to go to Cap d’Antibes for the summer.

“No. I was just leaving for Carmel.”

“Again?”

“Yes. With Kim.” Oh, God, not again. She hated lying to him. “It’s not as though I have a lot to do, you know, when you’re gone.” She knew that would keep him at bay.

“Well, it won’t be for much longer.”

“How long?” She closed her eyes and held her breath. Make it long, oh, please, don’t let him come home…

“About a month.”

Deanna nodded silently. She and Ben had one month left. That was all.

They sped off on the familiar road to Carmel half an hour later. Deanna was unusually quiet as they drove. Ben glanced at her, beautiful and troubled with the breeze whipping through her hair.

“Anything wrong?” he asked. She shook her head. “Bad news at home just now?”

“No.” After a long hesitation, she looked at the countryside speeding past and spoke again. “He called.”

“How was it?” Did you ask for a divorce…?

“As usual. It made me angry. He was furious about the show. His secretary called Paris especially to tell him.”

“Does it matter?” he asked. She shrugged. “Do you still care so much if you make him angry?”

She turned to look at him then. “In some ways he’s like my father. Marc has been my authority figure for years.”

“Are you afraid of him?”

“I never thought so, but perhaps I am. I just thought I respected him. But… oh, who knows…”

“What’s the worst thing he could do to you?”

“Leave me-or that’s what I used to think.”

“And you don’t feel that way anymore?”

She shook her head. “No.” In an odd way, she almost wished he would leave her. It would make everything so simple, but then of course there would be Pilar. Pilar would never forgive her. Deanna’s brows knit, and Ben touched her hand.

“Don’t worry so much. It’ll all work out.”

“I wish I knew how. Ben, I-I don’t know what to do.” She did. But she didn’t want to do it. Lose him, or leave Marc. “And… I also have an obligation to Pilar.”

“Yes, and an obligation to yourself. Your first obligation is to yourself, your second to your child. After that, it’s all up to you.”

Deanna nodded, saying nothing for a while. She looked less troubled than she had at first. “It’s strange. I forget he exists most of the time. For eighteen years he has been the hub of my life, and suddenly in a month and a half it’s as though he’s gone and I’ve never known him. I feel like someone new. But he does exist, Ben. He calls and he’s real and he expects me to talk to him, and somehow I can’t.”

“Then don’t talk to him for now.”

Jesus, he doesn’t understand. And God, don’t let him get possessive. Please, not yet…

But Ben went on, “Why don’t you just relax and enjoy what is. Later you can worry about what will be.”

“And that’s what you do, is it?” She slid a hand onto his neck and kissed his cheek. She had seen the worry in his face, the fear in his eyes, the concern when he thought she wasn’t looking. “You don’t worry at all, do you?”

“Me?” He shook his head, with a look of such assurance that she laughed.

“You’re lying. You’re as worried as I am. So don’t make me any speeches. I used to think you were so cool that it never got to you. Well, I know better now.”

“Oh, yeah?” He looked at her, laughter and bravado mingled in his eyes. But he was terrified about what would happen in the fall. It was the one thing he could not bring himself to face.

“Well, at least he said he wouldn’t be home for a month.”

“A month?”

Deanna nodded silently, and they drove on.

“Come on, sleepyhead. Get up. It’s almost ten.” She opened one eye, groaned at him, and turned over. He patted her behind, then leaned over her with a kiss. “Come on. You have an appointment with a prospective buyer today. You have to be at the gallery by eleven.”

“And what about you?” She spoke to him from the depths of her pillow.

“I’m going now. Darling, will you get up?”

“No.”

He sat down again next to her. “Deanna, are you all right?” She had been frequently exhausted in the last two weeks since the show.

“I’m fine.” But she didn’t feel it. Her head was heavy, and her body felt dipped in cement. It was so much easier to stay in bed, to sleep the day away, and drowse.

“How come you’re so tired these days?” He was looking down at her with considerable concern.

“I think it must be old age.”

“Apparently. I just hope success won’t prove to be too much for you, because it looks like you might just turn out to be very successful.” He chatted with her over his shoulder as he went out to the kitchen. “Do you want toast?”

The idea did not appeal to her. She shook her head as she closed her eyes again and buried her head in the pillow. “No, thanks!” But he reappeared a moment later with coffee, and for the first time in years that did not appeal to her either.

“Deanna? Are you really all right?”

“I’m fine. I’m just tired.” And sick with apprehension about Marc’s return. It had to be that. It was draining her to the core, thinking about him, and Pilar. It was stupid letting them spoil these last weeks with Ben, but she couldn’t help it. “Really, darling, I’m all right. You don’t need to worry.” She smiled brightly at him and took a sip of the coffee, but as the warm fumes rose into her face she almost gagged. She turned visibly pale and set down the cup.