Kerry Heavens - Still Human

Danny smiles and nods. He kisses his fingers and touches the screen and Jen does the same. I love watching the two of them together and it breaks my heart that it has to be via Skype most of the time. They still talk almost every day, but at times like this, they need to see each other. But I’m so close to my due date Danny refused to go when I suggested it. Still, they will be here soon. They’re coming to meet the little nugget.

“Sssssshhhhh!” I softly whisper as I place her on my shoulder and rub her back to soothe her. “Let Mommy sleep.”

I pull the bedroom door closed quietly behind me and take her downstairs so that Liv can get a little more rest. She was up half the night. I rock back and forth while I try and work the damned coffee machine one-handed. Fuck this, I’m getting us some instant later! I don’t care what she says, you NEED coffee when you have a baby and this machine is not a one-hander!

“Let me help you with that,” Jen whispers from behind me.

“Oh, hey,” I reply a little louder, kissing her cheek. Liv and I are trying not to do the whole tip-toe thing and while she’s sleeping on one of us you can be as loud as you want, she never stirs.

Jen makes the coffee and I sit at the counter having my snuggle. I love the mornings when she lies awake after her first feed. I can watch her for hours. But this morning she just wanted to be held and then she went right back to sleep. I’m only too happy to oblige.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Jen wrinkles her nose. I give her a tight smile. She can do a pregnancy test today. US time, so not until this evening here, but it’s bothering her. Every month before now, they knew it wasn’t likely, but this is the real deal, if it doesn’t work, which it probably won’t, it will start to make her wonder if it ever will.

“So did you decide yet? That poor kid needs a name, you can’t keep calling her Nugget, she’ll get a complex.”

I laugh. “Um, yeah I did actually, it came to me in the night, we’ll just have to see if Liv likes it when she gets up.”

“If it isn’t on the shortlist, I’m going to kill you, just pick one, don’t make it harder!”

“It’s not, but trust me, it’s the one. You’ll see.”

She shakes her head in despair.

“See what?” Liv’s voice surprises me.

“Hey, I wanted you to sleep in,” I say as she strokes Nugget’s hair and bends to kiss me.

“Well I woke up and you were all gone. I missed you.”

I look at her expectantly and she grins. I left the baby name book open on her nightstand with a note saying ‘Strong, graceful, flexible, can withstand anything.’

She looks at Nugget asleep on my shoulder and then nods. “It’s perfect,” she whispers and kisses the top of her head softly, lingering to smell her hair.

“Shall I start breakfast?” I ask, carefully passing Nugget to her.

“Yeah, I’ll text Max.”

Thirty minutes later, Jen and I are preparing to serve up breakfast and Max is cooing over Nugget…I must stop calling her that! Charlie and Scott are trying to figure out the sound system. Liv comes down after her shower looking spectacular in jeans and my Guns ’n’ Roses T-shirt. Her hair is all piled up except a couple of strands that have already fallen. I watch her. She is flawless, perfect…

“Danny?”

“Huh?”

Jen grins. “I said, where do you keep table mats? You’re in your own world.”

“Sorry, down there.” I point to the cabinet beside her. I finish piling the bacon onto a serving dish and carry it to the table.

We all sit down to eat and of course Nugget just wants to be held…and what can I say? I’m a sucker for my princess, so I wander around with her sleeping on my shoulder until she properly settles then keep her with me when I sit down. Liv serves my food and cuts up the bacon for me and I eat with just my fork. We have this down now!

“So come on then, the suspense is killing me!” Jen suddenly exclaims. “What are you calling her?”

Liv looks at me and I wait for her to say something.

“I’m happy,” she says. “I love it.”

“Really, you’re sure? You don’t want to go back to the list?” Everyone groans. “Okay, okay! Settle down.” I absently stroke Nugget’s back…Ah! No more Nugget! Okay, here goes then…

“It just came to me in the night. It’s perfect, it’s so us.” I look over at Liv and she smiles. “We’re calling her Willow.”

“I love it!” says Max. “Of course! God, I’m annoyed I didn’t think of that. It’s perfect.”

“It means strong, graceful and flexible, and hopefully she’ll be like our tree and be able to survive all the storms,” I explain.

“It’s beautiful!” Jen sobs. I didn’t realise she was emotional and frown.

“Jen, don’t cry…”

Scott puts his arm around her and tells her she’s so silly, but I can see there is more to her emotions than just Willow’s name.

“Jen?” I say quietly.

She looks up at me and tries to smile. “It’s nothing,” she says. “Just hormones.”

Everyone else is discussing the name and its meaning and I just stare at Jen in disbelief.

The corner of her mouth curls up in a smile and I know. I glance at Scott…for the love of God man…notice what she just said!

“Wait? Hormones?” he suddenly says.

Jen grins through the tears and ‘doing a Liv’, pulls a pregnancy test out of her pocket.

Scott’s face is vacant for a second while he stares at the stick, then the lights come back on. “Baby, is this for real?” he asks with a slightly desperate edge to his voice.

“It’s for real,” she says

He pulls her up out of her chair and into his arms and kisses her as if they’re completely alone.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you, too.” She laughs, through tears.

She turns to us and the room goes crazy, everyone is up and congratulating them. Breakfast is forgotten.

I just sit and stare.

We did it!

WE DID IT!

With Nugget…fuck it!...with Willow still snuggled into my neck, I get up and go to them. Liv and Jen are both crying and hugging and I can hear Jen thanking Liv. Liv waves it off, but Jen insists that while I’ve given them this gift, it’s because Liv supported me that it was possible, and she’s right.

Scott turns to me. We lock eyes for a second. I can see the appreciation there, but I really don’t want to discuss it, he’s going to be a father at last, I have no place in his moment. So I hold out my hand and he shakes it and smiles.

“Congratulations man.”

“Thank you,” he replies and pulls me in for a guy hug. “Thank you,” he says again before we break apart. I pat him on the shoulder.

Then Jen turns to face me and, through the happy tears, she laughs. She slips her hands around my waist and I fold her in my free arm. She lays her head on my chest beside Willow and I feel her relax.

I kiss the top of her head and she looks up at me and smiles.

“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank you,” she says quietly.

“No thanks necessary.”

“But what you did…”

I shake my head. “It’s me who needs to thank you. I owe you everything.”

“You owe me nothing.” She frowns.

“Really? If it wasn’t for you, my stubborn ass would still be living in LA pretending to be happy. Jen, you made me see sense over and over. You pushed me to do the right thing even though you knew it would mean you would lose out. You never once said stay because I’ll miss you. You know that’s all it would have taken too, but you gave me up to make sure I was happy. I wouldn’t have any of this if it wasn’t for you. So, thank you.”

She sighs and smiles. “You are happy aren’t you?”

“Happy doesn’t even cover it.” I laugh.

I pull her closer and hold her. She lets me have my moment because she knows what I feel for her and how hard being apart can be, but she smiles and I do too. She has her life and I have mine, she rescued me when I was drowning more times than I can count and I finally feel like I've paid her back. I wish we could always be around each other. I wish I could look in her eyes and see her smile and have her with me every day, but I can’t. Instead I’ve left some of me with her…and that’s forever.

It isn't perfect, they’re too far away, but I have Liv and Willow, my world. And I’m unbelievably happy.

My thanks remain much the same for this book as they were for the last, because I wrote them back to back.

To Steve and my babies, I am eternally grateful for your patience and understanding over the past year. I know I haven't always been easy to live with, but I am trying. I love you and nothing makes me happier or more proud than you.

I know I have neglected everyone while I have been making this happen and I know how lucky I am to have such an understanding family. I love you.

To my ever-forgiving friends, I haven't forgotten about you. I know we are all busy, but I have been truly appalling! Thank you for not writing me off.

To my Scaries, for your unwavering support during the release of Just Human, I will be forever grateful. Your beta comments have once again made this book better than it was and just having you in my life has made me so happy.

Kat, I can't wait for the day when we can sit, drinking 'C&C' and talking 'A' together. I am so happy to finally be able to talk about MY Sinners with you. Just know, we will be discussing them in detail once the drinks finally flow.

Ava, I hope you have your granny trolley ready, November is almost here and we will be able to meet for real. I hope you are not actually as much of 'a lady' as you claim; I may need you to look after me!