Kerry Heavens - Still Human

She looks fantastic in her long black dress, so cool and casual, with her sneakers and her hair loose and still wavy from being twisted up yesterday. She picks up her sister’s bracelet from the nightstand before we head down and I hand her her shades as I hook mine on my shirt. It looks bright out and we're eating in the garden.

Everyone is here already when we get outside, my parents, Liv’s parents, Connie and Jack, Grace Andy and the kids, Jen and Scott, and Max and Charlie. Our family. They all greet us warmly and then some light-hearted ribbing about our disappearance last night gets a wolf-whistle from Scott. Jen slaps him and it settles down.

They have configured a long table and Liv and I take the last two spaces in the middle. Everyone is chatting and drinks are passed along the line, orders are taken, Matthew is hopping from one grown up to another, making the most of all the attention. Jen is holding baby Mia, which makes my stomach clench tightly. I want that so badly for myself right now but the responsibility I feel for her to have it too is almost overwhelming. It just isn’t fair that it’s so hard for her. I can remember a time when not getting pregnant was her only concern in life and now…this. It sucks. I’m going to do everything in my power to help her.

I’m intrigued with this new friendship between Grace and Jen. I guess they spoke a few times on the phone when Liv first left me and then again while we were planning this whole week. It’s nice, just weird, considering what Grace used to be like. Jen spies me watching her with Mia and gives me her best ‘I’m okay, really’ smile. I respond with mine that says ‘I’m just concerned that’s all’. She laughs a little and then turns her attention back to the baby.

After a predictably awesome breakfast, the crowd disperses. Some are going shopping, some are just heading off to relax. Liv and I go back to bed! Hey, it’s our first day as husband and wife and I don’t have to abstain from anything yet!

“Typical, just as I’m getting on a transatlantic flight!” Jen says as she holds up a tampon. I roll my eyes in empathy then feel a pang of sympathy. It must be awful when you hope so badly that something will happen month after month and then you get the flat out no, in the airport toilets of all places. I can’t imagine the disappointment. I hope I never have to feel that disappointment. I’m not expecting to fall pregnant instantly, but month after month it must be awful, the hope building up and then crashing down. They’ve been trying for over two years. At least now they’re working on a solution.

When she emerges and uses the sink beside me, I casually ask. “How is that all going anyway?”

“Oh, you know, it’s going.” She smiles, it’s obviously a practiced smile. “It’s a lot easier since we know what the problems are. I’m ovulating like clockwork now and we are timing our attempts to coincide as precisely as possible…and the days either side too. I’m killing Scott in the process, mind you. I know it’s unlikely to happen, but the doctor said it couldn’t hurt to keep trying. Especially as we know I’m in full working order now and I’m keeping track. You never know, one of his swimmers might get lucky if we give it a helping hand.” She laughs then wrinkles her nose.

“It’s disappointing when that happens every month, but I guess we’re used to it. I won’t tell Scott it’s happened again just yet, I’ll wait until we are home. Besides, when I do, I see the look in his eyes, it’s dread more than anything, he makes a mental note that in a couple of weeks I’ll have him on call for days. The fun has well and truly left the building, he almost looks afraid!” She giggles, so do I at the mental image of Scott, running and hiding. I admire her strength for being able to laugh, when it’s far from funny.

I wish I could tell her that Danny is going to help them, but it’s for him to say not me. I need to let him do it however he feels comfortable. I just can’t help thinking there must be an easier way than the whole freezing thing. But the only thing I can come up with, would involve my new husband crossing a huge line with his best friend during our honeymoon…So freezing it is!

We meet the boys back out in the terminal. Danny’s parents flew home early this morning, but as we are only flying an hour before Jen and Scott, we decided to come to the airport together. It has been nice mooching around the terminal with them, but it’s time for Danny and me to go to our gate, so we hug them and say our goodbyes. We will see them in ten days, so it’s an easy farewell.

I buckle my seat belt and settle into my large, comfy seat. We are in Premium, so the seats are bigger and there’s more leg room, but best of all, the seats are in pairs, so we don’t have to share space with a stranger for hours. Danny flips through his magazine beside me, his wedding ring glinting in the light makes me smile.

“Don’t!” he says, snapping his magazine closed.

“Don’t what?” I frown.

“I saw you smirking at me. I’m excited about the house that’s all, if I want to look at an interior design magazine, I will. I’m comfortable with who I am!” He says, stifling a laugh.

I burst out laughing. I didn’t notice he was reading Living etc. I press my lips together to prevent a mocking remark escaping. He narrows his eyes. “I was smiling at your wedding ring, I like looking at it. God, touchy!” Then I can’t contain my laughter.

He’s so excited about the house. I’m relieved it was all finalised before we left because it would have eaten him up. It’s bad enough we are both thinking about Jen and Scott so much. I know it’s our honeymoon, but it’s dominating our thoughts. I’d not fully appreciated how much it was affecting Danny and since talking to Jen at the airport, now it’s all I can think about too.

I promise myself a little alone time with the laptop as soon as I can. I want to support Danny, but I need to know more in order to be of use. Until now I’ve just gone along with what he told me, but if we’re going to do this, then I want it to be together. I’ll always support him and he needs to know that now more than ever. He is taking a huge risk with our fledgling marriage and far from worrying me, it has shown me the faith he has in ME. He’s taken me at my word and believes that I support him in something many people would think of as unacceptable. Especially in this early stage of our life together. I’m going to show him that his faith is warranted. Wow, we’ve come a long way.

We’re offered champagne and then it really feels like our honeymoon gets started. From then it’s a whirlwind. Cancun is beautiful, we hardly see any of it though, because Danny’s parents have stumped up for the honeymoon suite in the most spectacular hotel I’ve ever seen, and… because they/the universe gave me Danny to share it with.

The food was fabulous, I must have gained at least a stone. I notice my jeans are tighter when I put them back on to travel, but this is no surprise, there was buffet after buffet. There were snacks and cakes and hors d’oeuvres…We ate on the balcony, in the bath in the centre of our plush suite, in the pool, by the pool (and it wasn’t just gratuitous eating that we did in all those places either). Danny and I have simply lazed in each other’s arms, for a blissful week.

We’d agreed to try and do more this week, in Cabo. Partly because his parents have assigned things for us to see, like the place they’re buying and the surrounding area. Of course we did this dutifully, but it isn’t our fault that they got us another insanely luxurious suite that we never want to leave.

“Come on, Danny.” I sigh as his arms fold around me and his warm breath stirs the nerves of my neck. “We have to get dressed for dinner.”

“Why? Let’s get room service again, I have everything I need right here,” he murmurs, pulling me closer.

“We haven’t seen the light of day today, don’t you want to get out?” My pale blue, wedding night underwear presses against his bare golden skin. I put it on for him because it turns him on, and on this occasion he can leave it on me and admire it. We’re going out for dinner…if he ever puts some underwear on!

“We did, we were on the balcony for ages and we went for a swim.” He softly croons in my ear as his hands snake their way over my body.

“Danny, sex on the balcony and then in the hot tub for three hours, is not seeing the sights!” I giggle trying to extricate myself from his grip.

“I saw some sights,” he smirks. “Now I want to see some more.”

I’m determined to go out tonight, but he’s making it so hard. I turn in his arms and face him. He’s impossible to resist. I gasp as his hand slips inside the delicate lace of my underwear and shudder when his finger brushes my clit. I kiss him, slowly, as his fingers enter me. I know we’re not leaving this room tonight, but I keep up the pretence for a minute longer. While I’m lingering around his ear, I whisper what I wish he could do to me if we weren’t going out to dinner. He moans, turned on by my explicit words, so I continue, telling him what I wish I could do to him. Then, what I say to him turns him on so much it almost gets him there.

I whisper. “Oh, screw it. Use me…don’t hold back, take what you need.”

“Oh God, Liv.” He groans as I sink to kneel at his feet.

I take him in my mouth, running my tongue all the way around him to ease my path. He sighs at first but as I move, his sighs become whispers, the whispers become moans. Then as I begin to accept him deeper and deeper, his hands appear, ready to do what I asked. To use me and take what he needs.