Kerry Heavens - Still Human

I choke out a fresh moan, certain that I’m seconds away from an earth-shattering orgasm and Danny’s lips press against mine. Our staccato breaths are more pronounced as our tongues complete our total connection to one another and Danny’s muted cries come, unusually for him, with every stoke.

I always find it hard not being vocal while Danny makes love to me, but the intensity of this experience and the sounds Danny is making against my lips make it worse than usual. I would be screaming if I wasn’t under the expert control of his tongue. However, the strangled sounds and the heavy, sharp breaths, sound almost animal and it’s enough to send me spiralling as he drives into me one last, wonderful time.

He breaks contact with my lips to free his final sounds. “Liv…God…I love you.”

“I love you too.” I gasp, fighting for air as my climax grips me. “I love you…I love you…I love you.” I whisper again and again, coming back to earth.

Danny showers my face with gentle kisses until he finally settles once more on my lips. They willingly part, inviting him in as I wrap my arms around him.

Once sanity has returned, I lift my hand to brush moisture from my forehead and giggle at the sight of my clothes hanging off my arm. “Look at us!”

Danny has a cursory glance and drops his head onto my chest, laughing. “What did you expect? I’ve dreamed of doing this for…ever.”

“You know I’m not actually going to get pregnant today don’t you?”

He shrugs. “Doesn’t hurt to practice.”

Danny is stood by the window in the living room wearing only his jeans. I stare at his immaculate body while I listen to his conversation. He’s telling Jen about the house and I smile fondly at his enthusiasm. His smile fades slightly and I wonder why. His voice lowers as he rubs his forehead and then rolls his head to relieve the tension in his neck. Whatever it is they’re discussing is making him stressed and I want to go over to him and ease his discomfort with my thumbs. But I feel like I would be intruding.

I wander back into the bedroom, pick up a hair elastic and sweep my damp hair up in a ponytail. Finding a fresh shirt in the wardrobe, I pull it on and reapply my eye makeup. It’s going to be so obvious that we just came up here for a quickie!

Picking up our towels from the floor, I drop them into the laundry basket. Then I notice the contents of the bin beside it. Obviously, while Danny was dressing, he decided to trash my pills, they’re in the bin, along with the other two months’ supply from my bedside drawer. I grin stupidly. I love it when he calls the shots! Then I cringe at what I’ve become. Oh well, I guess this is happiness.

Danny’s warm arms slip around me, his lips press into my shoulder. He peers over my shoulder into the bin. "I didn't think you'd need them anymore.”

I simply smile and turn slightly to kiss his tattooed shoulder. Unable to resist, I sink my teeth slightly into his skin. Danny sucks in a sharp breath at the contact. “Come on,” he says. “Let’s go back to work.” His voice is strained and I can tell it’s a struggle not to start undressing me again. He forces himself away from me and shoves a work t-shirt over his head.

“Jen says hi,” he says, lacing up his Converse.

I ruffle his hair as I pass him. “Everything okay?” I ask casually. “You looked stressed when you were talking to Jen, problems at home?”

He puffs. “This is my home,” he says firmly.

“I know, sorry,” I say, realising my mistake. “So what’s up?’

He sighs. “Nothing really."

I realise straight away that this is to do with baby stuff. "How is it going with them? You know, when I...left." I hesitate to bring it up, but we have to move on. "They'd had tests, but they weren't really sure what they'd do."

Danny looks up at me and gives me a tight smile. "They're okay. Jen’s on meds to figure out her cycle, or whatever. It's fixed her right up." He drifts off deep in thought.

I sit on the bed beside him, watching him. He is oblivious, I can tell he’s there with Jen. I know it's hard for him being away from her.

After a minute, I take his hand and he comes back to me. "Sorry. I just..." he trails off again.

"You want to help her."

Danny's eyes widen. "I..."

"Danny, it's okay, you can talk to me about it."

"Really?" he asks, stunned.

"Really. It was obvious to me in LA that you were thinking about it. But it hasn't come up since."

He rubs his head again. "It's complicated."

"Well yeah. But not impossible."

He shakes his head and the corner of his mouth turns up into a reluctant smile. "Can I really talk to you about this?"

"You can talk to me about anything, you know that."

"Okay," he says looking relieved and he turns to face me, holding my hands.

"So when they first started thinking that they were having trouble, the doctors said they should just keep trying. But Jen started looking at all the different possibilities. I told her to quit it, but she can't help herself. She tortured herself with every possibility, so I naturally learned a fair bit along with her. Obviously we didn't know what their problem would turn out to be, but seeing it have such an effect on her, I promised myself that if it was a problem I could help with, I would." He pauses, thinking.

"So that night when you found out that they would need a sperm donor..." I prompt.

"Well I was all different by then. I had you." He lifts one of my hands to his lips.

"Different?"

"Well yeah, I was starting a new life, I wasn't the single guy that I thought I'd be when the time came."

"You didn't think you could discuss it with me?"

"It's a big ask, Liv. Oh honey, before we have our happy ever after, you don't mind if I impregnate my best friend do you?" he chuckles. "No way."

"But we didn't get to the happy ever after bit did we?"

"No, and that's where it gets complicated," he says. "See, after you left...” He swallows hard and thinks about whether or not to go on, I nod, urging him. “I wanted to put you behind me because I thought you bailed on us. I needed something to focus on. So I offered to be their sperm donor." He sighs. "They we were surprisingly on board, but I made them have a serious think about it first."

I listen patiently. "Then Jen told me that they wanted to go ahead...but only if I talked to you.” He grimaces. "We had quite a fight. She had tried everything else to get me to call you and apparently she wasn't above emotional blackmail. She was convinced you must have had a good reason for leaving and she told me she couldn't take my first child if I still had a chance with you. She said if you really left because you didn't want me anymore, she would never mention it again, but if I wanted her to consider my offer I had to try. They would only go through with it if we were back on the right track, or if I was single for good." He exhales as he remembers the scenario. "That's when I called Max and found out about Brooke...that's when you fell. By the next day I was here. I haven't talked to Jen about it since."

"How do you feel about it now?"

"Everything is different now. I have you. We are going to start a family."

"Is it the distance? Did you see yourself being more involved?"

"No, I only ever wanted to be Uncle Danny. It's not that. It's us. I don't want anything getting in between us. I just wish helping them could be simpler, less significant, you know?"

"I know, but what you have offered to do is huge."

"Which is why I won't do it." He sighs. "Jen understands. I just wish I didn't feel so bad. Especially now that we are trying to make a baby. How will I tell her when that happens?" I watch him imagine that conversation in his head, it pains him.

"I understand what it is to love someone like you love her. Don't forget that," I say stroking his fingers. "I would want to help Max." I readjust my grip on him so that his hands are in mine and I dip my head to establish eye contact. "You should do it."

His face slowly changes from pained, to bemused and finally settles on amazed. "Why are you so wonderful?"

I laugh. "I just want you to be happy, I get why this is so important to you."

"But they won't have any trouble picking another donor. It would be less complicated for everyone." He argues.

"Now that you're here though, wouldn't you like that tie to them? We are kind of a family already. It doesn't make it that much more fucked up! You're essentially married to her anyway. You give yourself to her emotionally and I have no problem with that because I have it too. We healed ourselves by replacing each other, in a way that lots of people wouldn't understand. But now that we've found each other again, we are more than just us two...Do it. Make them happy, because by doing that you'll make us happy. I couldn't stand it if we had a baby and I kept seeing that pained look on your face, because you felt guilty."

Danny assesses me, looking for some sort of crack in me that shows I'm just saying this to do the right thing. There isn't one, I truly mean this. I want him to do it. When he is sure, he grabs me in his arms and squeezes me tight. "Thank you," he whispers and I squeeze him back.

Okay, where is he now? I’m starting to get a little ticked off. Every time I turn around these days Danny has nipped off somewhere. What is worse is he keeps taking Max with him. I don’t mind sharing, but it’s getting ridiculous. Ever since our offer was accepted on the house, he has been running around like a blue-arsed fly. I don’t even know what he gets up to. It’s an hour here, a couple there, but it’s every day. If he's picking stuff for the house, I’d like to be involved. If he's meeting the solicitor, I should be there…If he’s freaking out, I should know!