Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“Did you realise, you haven’t used your crutches since you have been home?” he says.

I look at my feet, conscious, because I know he’s really insecure about me not needing his help anymore. I actually feel guilty and have to stop myself apologising. When I look back up at him, he takes the wine out of my left hand and the glasses out of my right. “You’re getting better, at last.”

I nod. But he frowns. “You don’t seem pleased.”

“I am.” I sigh, sitting down.

“But?”

“But, I know you’re worried about it.”

“Liv! I’m not worried about it!” He shakes his head. “Is that what you think? That I don’t want you to get better?”

“No, I…” I don’t really know what to say, because that is what I think.

“I’m so sorry if I gave you that impression. I want you better more than anything. I just enjoy showering with you and it has been nice being needed. But there is so much I want to do that I need you better for, please don’t think for a second that I would wish you a slow recovery.” He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

“I’ve changed,” I say quietly. “I like things the way they are now, I like you doing things to help me. I won’t suddenly stop wanting any of it.”

“I hope not. But even if you do, I will still be glad you’re better.” He frowns again. “I can’t believe you would think that I wouldn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No! It’s my fault. I obviously gave you that impression.” He curses himself.

This is going badly, I was so looking forward to dinner and a nice snuggle on the sofa, and now I’ve cocked it all up and made him feel awful. I sigh heavily. What a disaster.

Danny starts to laugh. I look up at him in shock.

“Sorry,” he says covering his mouth with his hand. “It’s not funny, but we are such a disaster!” He laughs harder.

Even though I don’t really get it, I can’t help laughing too.

“I thought we were getting better at this, but we still both think the worst all the time. It’s funny.”

I laugh more once I understand.

“Just to be clear. I want you better, I NEED you better. I want to get on with our life and I want you to be one hundred percent to do that.” He takes my hand again, trying to look sincere as his laughter subsides.

I erupt now, I can’t help it. He looks at me confused. “Well then I should tell you that I haven’t needed my crutches for a week, in fact today I forgot to take one to work with me!” I laugh, hysterically now. “I didn’t want to upset you, I hoped you wouldn’t notice!”

Danny puts his face in his hands. “Oh my God! Look at us!” he mumbles from inside his hands, shaking his head.

“I know.” I giggle. “I’m really sorry.” I try to peel his fingers away from his face, but he holds firm.

“Why do we do this?” he says, finally looking at me.

“Do what exactly?”

“Assume the worst of each other.” He sighs, trying to pull himself together, so I do the same. “Old habits die hard I guess.”

I nod in agreement. It really is ridiculous, we need to stop this kind of thing from snowballing back into what we had before…doubt and insecurity. “Okay, I’m stopping as of now,” I say decisively, then I tap him on the arm. “Hey, Danny,” I say in an over-enthusiastic tone. “I don’t really need my crutches anymore. I really feel like I’m getting better.”

Danny sees what I’m doing and plays along. “Baby, that’s fantastic, I’m so glad because now we can really get on with our future!” He grins stupidly. “We can still take showers together though can’t we? I enjoy that.”

“Of course we can, it’s the best part of my day, I wouldn’t change it for anything,” I reply brightly. Then we both dissolve into fits of giggles. Danny leaps up and picks me up with him, twirling me around. Then, as he lowers me back to the ground, he tucks some hair behind my ear and leans in to kiss me. I sigh as my lips part and his tongue meets mine. The feeling behind the kiss is almost heartbreaking. No matter how much we love each other, doubt always gets the better of us. All because we were so young we couldn’t express ourselves properly and it left us both so affected that even now, after everything we have been through, it still creeps in.

“We were too young,” I think out loud. Danny, looks confused again.

“It wasn’t our fault that we found each other so young and the fact that we were ‘meant to be’ just made it worse I think. We couldn’t stop what happened to us because we weren’t ready or able to really express how we felt about each other. Then that screwed us up so badly we weren’t fit for anyone else and we certainly couldn’t cope with each other again…It’s a wonder we are so well balanced now!” I laugh and so does Danny, seeing the funny side.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” He smiles, taking my face in his hands, his eyes burn into mine.

“I could say the same.” I smile.

I carefully carry the coffees into the garden, trying not to spill any into the saucers. I may have the use of both hands back, but I’m still stiff and have a slight limp, which makes transferring hot liquids a bit dicey at times. I walk up behind Danny, working at his laptop in the sunshine. Leaning around him, I place his coffee on the table and he looks up in surprise, then down to my hands. He’s still surprised to see me walking unaided, he raises his eyebrows approvingly.

“Impressed?” I ask, doing a slight curtsey.

“You never stop impressing me.” He pulls my face down to his and kisses me softly.

“Well at least I’ll start being a little more useful round here, even if it’s just one drink at a time.” I joke, perching on the arm of his chair. “What are you working on?”

“I’m just playing around with something,” he says, sounding cagey.

“What?” I ask peering at the screen.

“A new website for this place.” He shrugs. “Yours is up for renewal and I don’t think it’s working all that well.”

“We have an internet guy. You don’t have to do that.”

“Hi!” he says sarcastically, offering his hand for me to shake. “Internet guy! Nice to meet you.”

“You know what I mean.” I slap his hand away. “You don’t have to do this, we pay someone to do it.”

“Well I’m free and, frankly, I’m better.” He smirks.

I raise my eyebrows. "Modest too!" I tease. But I love him for it. I know I used to have control issues, but I’m growing used to him calling some of the shots and I don’t even mind. I no longer feel compelled to resist his help. “Thank you," I say, leaning over to kiss him and relish his confusion, he was expecting to have to fight his corner.

His look of satisfaction is rewarding for me. I’ve tried to take on board what he said to me after my last surgery. I was ridiculously over independent and I know how deep my need for control runs. It’s a defence mechanism, a result of feeling the way I did when my dad rocked the boat in our lives so badly we were all seasick for years. I’ve tried not to depend on anyone since. Maybe Danny has always been the exception to that and, of course, Max. Although even with them I can still be a nightmare.

If Danny wants to build a new website for us, I won’t stop him. I love that he wants to be involved. I shift off the arm of Danny’s chair and take the one beside him, sipping my coffee.

“So where are we going?” I ask him, still intrigued about why he wanted me to keep this morning free and why he is radiating nervous tension that I’m obviously not supposed to notice.

“Bath shopping!” he says with a beaming smile.

I want to tell him that he can pick a bath without me, that I trust him and to me a bath is just a bath, but I can’t because he looks so hopefully enthusiastic. Instead I smile back at him and get myself in a bath picking kind of place.

When Danny parks the car on Max’s road, I’m baffled. But Danny looks so excited I try not to let my control freak streak get the better of me. He’s practically giddy when he takes my hand and leads me to the opposite side of the road to a house I don’t know. I frown, but he just grins. A man who seems to know Danny meets us and opens the front door and we step quietly into an empty house. I open my mouth to say something, but Danny stops me, leading me instead up the stairs, in fact we go up two flights into the loft space. It’s a huge empty bedroom, within the eaves, but it’s honestly so big up here you don't notice. Danny opens a door and takes me into an adjoining room.

We are standing in the swankiest bathroom I’ve ever been in. It puts Max’s to shame and that is saying something. Danny looks terrified suddenly.

“What do you think of this bath?” he asks quietly.

“Um, I like it, but I’m not sure why you have bought me to…” I glance around as though the walls have ears and lower my voice, “…someone’s house, to see it. Couldn’t we just go to B&Q, like everyone else?”

Danny eyes me intently and almost smiles, but the nervous tension he was radiating earlier seems to have reached fever pitch. “I was wondering what you thought of the house?” he virtually whispers.

I blink at him.

“I’d like to buy it,” he says clearing his throat. “For us.”

I suddenly need to sit, so I perch lightly on the edge of this bath we are here to see. Danny crouches down so that he can look at my face and we stare at each other silently for a moment.

I muster the power of speech. “We haven’t talked about this.”

“I know,” he says. “But I’ve been thinking about it. Do you hate it?”

“No,” I say, glancing around at the glossy finishes everywhere. “It’s amazing.”