Kerry Heavens - Still Human

I sit at my desk and fire up the computer. My fingers drum while they wait for something to do. As soon as I’m in, I start furiously hammering the keys. Work will block this ridiculous chain of thoughts out.

Twenty minutes in, I’ve made so many mistakes and had to retrace my steps too many times. I put my head in my hands. This can’t be happening. Work was the only distraction I had and now, thanks to Jen, Liv has crept into that too.

I drop onto my bed and close my eyes. Not to sleep but just for lack of other inspiration. What if Jen’s crazy notion is right? What if Liv thinks I did something wrong? Surely I would have had a call from someone if they thought I had wronged her? If I thought Scott had cheated on Jen I would have been all over it. Max would have done the same wouldn’t he? Maybe I should call him. Then I don’t have to chase Liv, I can just find out what I need to know from him and put this mess to rest once and for all.

Before I know it I’m dialling his number, I’ve always been slightly impulsive. My stomach is in knots. It rings and I hold my breath.

“Hi,” he answers with a tone of uncertainty.

“Hi,” I respond, not sure how to proceed.

“What the hell happened?” He cuts straight to the chase.

I sigh. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Well you don’t have to go back to the beginning, you can just fill me in from the bit where your ex-girlfriend is doing the striptease in your bedroom.” He sneers, anger and disgust oozing from his voice.

Strangely, I heave a sigh of relief. I pause to take this all in.

“Wait. Is that why she left?” I stupidly ask.

“Yes, that’s why she left. Wasn’t that obvious?” He spits, mystified that I could question him. “And she made me promise not to call you, but trust me, if I see you again, I’m going to break your neck.”

“So it wasn’t because she found out about the proposal?” I mutter in a daze, not taking in what he is saying to me.

“WHAT PROPOSAL?”

“The night she left, I was going to propose,” I say quietly.

“What, after you fucked your ex?”

Silence…his words just hang in the air. My mind goes into overdrive. Max has just confirmed that all my worst fears were unfounded. She didn’t leave because she found out I was going to propose. This is about Brooke. Thank fuck for that! Even as I’m thinking it, I know how ridiculous the whole thing sounds. I would rather Liv thinks I cheated on her, than find out she didn’t love me. But, I realise, that is the truth. I hate myself for being relieved, as it dawns on me the pain she must be going through. But this can be fixed, I know it.

Fleetingly, I wonder if I should be upset that she would think so little of me. But I know I made her question my honesty and I remind myself, it was only a couple of months ago that she found that sleaze Mark with her friend, in her own bedroom. No, this isn’t about me and if I’m ever going to get her back, I must focus on making her trust me again. I need Max to understand the facts.

“Max, I don’t know what she saw. But she didn’t see enough.” I assure him. “I came out of the shower and Brooke was in her underwear lying on my bed. She stole a key a couple of weeks ago and let herself in. As soon as I saw her, I threw her out, straight away. Then I called Liv to tell her what happened, because she asked me to be completely honest with her. But she didn’t pick up and I haven’t heard from her since.” I pause, he says nothing. “I’m not asking you to believe me, but it’s the truth. I love Liv and I would never do anything to hurt her.” The words come from deep inside, they bypass the thought process. My brain is still in the hurt, angry state it was in five minutes ago, it hasn’t caught up with this turn of events. Yet I’m saying how much I love her and I know instantly that I will fight for her. Whatever it takes. Fucking Jen was right. Shit.

“She saw you, Danny,” he says, more unsure of his argument now.

“No, she didn’t, ask her. She didn’t see me put a finger on her, because I didn’t. The only time I touched her was when I was shoving her out the door.” I shudder at the memory. “Ask her, please.”

“Why don’t you just leave her alone? She’s been hurt enough.”

“Because I love her and I’m going to get her back.”

“Oh really, you love her so much, you left it over a week to bother finding out why she left?”

“I was convinced she left because she didn’t want to marry me. I’ve been a real mess.”

“Why would she do that? She loved you.”

I sigh. I’ve been so stupid and selfish. “Because…” I hesitate. Outside of Jen and Scott, I’ve never discussed this with anyone and all of a sudden, my lifelong insecurities because of it seem so irrational. “Because, when we were kids and I was going away, I bought her a ring, I worked up the guts to propose to her, but before I could get the words out, she told me to go, she said I should make the most of the opportunity. She said it would be best for both of us. She must have known what I was going to do and was pushing me away so that I didn’t do it…I just thought she was doing it again.”

"You wanted to marry her?"

"Uh-huh. Then and now." I sigh.

“She didn’t know, mate. Trust me, I picked up the pieces after you left. She thought you didn’t fight hard enough, she wanted to go with you.”

"You're kidding me?" I can’t handle this. “I’m such an idiot,” I whisper.

“You’re telling me!” he sneers.

I think about what to do next. I have to talk to her.

“I have to get her back.” I think aloud.

“Please just leave her alone, she can’t handle any more heartache.” The thought of her so hurt is like a knife to the chest.

“Max, please, I’ve done nothing wrong. Please just ask her, I’m begging you.”

“I have to go.” He hangs up. Fuck! I slam my cell onto the bed. This can’t be happening. I have to get her to listen to me. I grab the cell again and select her name.

‘This is Liv, leave a message.’ Her cell is off, it didn’t even ring. I don’t leave a message, I wouldn’t know what to say.

I don’t know what to do now. On auto-pilot, I slowly gather myself up and drift to my truck. I find myself back at Jen’s store less than an hour after storming out.

“Danny?” Jen calls as I walk in from the back door. I sit down on the sofa with a bump and put my face in my hands. Jen has a customer, so I try to remain inconspicuous while she finishes up. Lost in my thoughts, I don’t notice her standing right in front of me. I jump at her proximity when I finally lift my face up to look around. I look up at her and hold her stare. She waits to hear what I have to say.

“She thinks I cheated on her with Brooke,” I say in barely more than a whisper.

Jen sits beside me and touches my arm. “I knew it.” She rolls her head back. “So did you explain?” she asks gently.

“I didn’t talk to her, I called Max.”

“You should talk to her.”

“Her cell is off, I tried.”

“Will Max talk to her for you?”

“I don’t think he believed me, he hung up.”

“Shit.”

“What do I do?”.

“We should look at flights,” she says, opening her laptop. While we wait for it to load up, she strokes my back. My face is in my hands again. How did I let it get this far? I’m so fucking stupid.

While I mope on the sofa, Jen has a look at flights for me, but we both agree I should try to make contact again before charging in. If Max doesn’t believe me, I could be opening myself up to some pretty serious wrath. Given the week I’ve had so far, I could really do without getting my neck broken. I’ve tried her cell again, but it’s still off. The phone at the flat just rings out, she must have switched off the machine and I wouldn't want to leave a message when there is so much to say. I could call the diner, but I don’t think it’s fair to do this to her at work. So I try Max again.

Prepared to leave a message, I’m shocked when he answers.

“Did you talk to her?” I ask, hopeful that he might have had enough faith in me to at least ask the question.

“Yeah, I did,” he says in a hushed tone. “So what are you going to do?” he asks, reluctant to admit that he believes me for fear of betraying his friend, but certainly with a slight change of tune.

“I have to talk to her and I can’t get through, so I’m looking at flights.”

“I have her phone, she threw it away. I doubt she’ll see you.”

“What do you suggest then?”

“Give me a few days with her. I’ll keep in touch.”

“Stay here you mean?”

“I think it’s best. If you push her now, you might blow it for good.” Then there is a loud crash on his end of the line “Fuck, Liv!” he yells and then the line goes dead.

“Max?” What the hell just happened? “MAX?” I yell.

“What?” says Jen when she sees my expression.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly. “But I think something just happened to Liv.”

I’ve survived the Connie onslaught. She was easier to deal with than I expected mainly due to the fact that she feels responsible. She revealed to me that she contacted Danny in the first place. I was furious. For a few days, I was so angry I could hardly talk to her, but then I realised that I was just disappointed. It was just more proof that Danny didn’t really love me, he didn’t contact me without a push. Connie and I are okay now, I can’t stay angry with her.

I’ve spoken to Mum and persuaded her to stay in LA because Grace needs her far more than I do. She’s promised me that she won’t get involved and go and see Danny. I’ve even left the phone plugged in upstairs so that she can call me, she was pretty pissed off that I cut myself off completely. The problem is, I dread going back up there now. I’ve no idea if, when, or how many times Danny has called me since I left, but now he could leave a message if he wanted to. He hasn't reached me on my mobile because I threw it away, it’s full of messages and photos I can’t face. Who needs a mobile anyway?