Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“Well, it’s about time.”

I turn back to Connie and smile.

“Oh! That’s amazing.” I sigh as I relax with my whole body in the bath for the first time since, I can hardly remember when. “I can’t believe they took it off!” I repeat for the twentieth time since we left the hospital.

To my surprise, they removed the cast today and didn’t replace it. I still can’t put any weight on it until I’ve had this screw removed, but the rest of my rehabilitation will take place cast free. The feeling of being under the water is both blissful and slightly unnerving. I gently flex my foot again as per my physio instructions, just because I can. The whole thing is just plain weird.

“I think we should celebrate,” says Danny from his usual spot leaning against the bathroom cabinet.

“Okay,” I say, excited about my evening with him. “Where shall we go? Remember I still probably can’t wear a shoe!”

“Leave it to me,” he says cryptically.

I sink back in the bubbles and relax. Things are starting to get better.

“You look beautiful,” he says when I come out of my bedroom. I’ve admittedly gone all out and I feel a bit overdone, considering I don’t know where we're going. But I haven’t worn much more than a tracksuit for so long, I needed this. The crutches ruin any outfit, but despite that I feel sexy, just for having made an effort. Max was right, I did have one decent pair of shoes that fit my swollen foot and he has done a great job with the rest of my outfit too. It feels like that first night Danny came back into my life all over again. I smile to myself thinking about how that ended.

“Shall we?” he says, holding open the door for me. As I pass him and begin to hand him my crutches, he laughs. “I’m not letting you crawl down the stairs in that dress.” He says firmly and sweeps me up in his arms.

“Whoa!” I cry.

“Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you this time.” He says gently as he looks in my eyes. At first I think he is talking about my emotions and I freeze, staring intently at him, but then I realise he is referring to hitting my ankle on the door handle the first time he took me to bed. I blush, but then tuck my ankle in, just to be sure.

“Please don’t.” I implore.

Danny grins and we set off carefully down the stairs. Once I’m back on the ground, he holds open the door and we step out into the diner. A wolf-whistle comes from the kitchen as we pass and I stop briefly to chastise Jake for sexual harassment in the work place.

“Have fun kids.” He laughs as he ignores me and carries on with his work.

When we get outside, a flashy car is waiting and the driver opens the rear door for us. It’s not a limo, but is more like a limo than a cab. I think you would call it an executive car. I look at Danny in disbelief before sliding in and he gets in the other side, looking excited and nervous in equal measure. What is going on?

“Where are we going?” I whisper nervously.

“Surprise.” Danny giggles.

“This is a bit swanky isn’t it?” I say in disbelief.

“I thought we could both have a drink and I didn’t want you squeezing in a cramped cab.”

I smile at his thoughtfulness and my stomach flips over. As we set off, an image of Danny in my bed flashes into my head. Oh my God! What am I doing? I have to spend an evening with him goodness knows where and I’m thinking about him naked already. How am I going to get through tonight? I shake the thought out of my head and glance at him, grateful that he can’t see my blush in the half light.

We drive for almost half an hour, chatting sporadically. Nerves getting the better of both of us. Then when I’ve absolutely no idea where we are, the car pulls up in a tiny village and Danny helps me from the car. We are standing outside an unassuming but undoubtedly classy brasserie. Danny opens the door for me and I smile at him as I pass. Danny gives his name and we are seated in a cosy corner.

"This is lovely!" I quietly giggle as we open our menus. “I wasn’t expecting anything like this. I thought we would maybe try that new Thai place at the end of the road!"

"What? No! We're celebrating. You are one step closer to being back in one piece, I wanted to bring you some place nice" He smiles. “We can try the Thai place some other time though,” he says with a twinkle in his eye, certain that this won’t be our only night out.

We order wine and exchange a knowing glance as the waiter notes it down. Wine gets us both drunk, but in this kind of place, there isn't much else you can do, I would feel very uncouth ordering spirits, so we just go with it.

"Cheers," I say when the waiter leaves us alone with our wine, having taken our order. We clink glasses. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"It’s my pleasure," he replies. "I’ve wanted to take you out for a while."

"So, why haven't you?" I ask cautiously, a little afraid that the answer will lead to a conversation that we can't have here. I do not want to cry tonight.

"Um, because I wanted you to trust me again and I guess I thought if it came from me, I would never know if you did."

I crease my brow. Not fully understanding.

"If I kept pursuing you, how would I know if you weren't just here to keep me off your back?"

"So this wait, it was to get me to ask you out for dinner?" I ask, trying not to sound irritated for appearance sake.

"Yeah, but not as a game. I just wanted us both to be sure when the time came, that it was mutual. I didn't want to push you too hard and now I know I haven't, because this was your idea." He smiles, picking up his wine glass again. I stare at him, unsure of how I feel about this. He looks up and reads my expression correctly. “Honestly Liv, it wasn't a game, I just wanted you to want it as much as I did."

A few simple words, but their effect on me is immense. He wanted me to want it as much as he did. A warm feeling floods through me, I think it's a relief and I feel it in every cell of my body. That, after all, is all I’ve ever wanted from him and now it looks like I have it, just like that. I laugh.

"What?" he asks.

"I think that's what I was doing in a roundabout sort of way." Although if I'm honest with myself, it sounds like his intentions were less selfish, he wanted me to feel secure, I just wanted him to make me feel good about myself. Right then I realise what a selfish bitch I’ve been. I could have helped repair this a lot sooner instead of sitting back waiting for some sort of fantasy grand gesture.

"Waiting for me to make the first move?" he asks.

I nod.

"Well we're here now." He smiles graciously.

"So what happens next?" I ask.

"I think we need to talk about the future."

I watch him as I sip my wine, hoping he will have something to say, because I don’t know where to begin.

"Okay, I'll start." He smiles. "Where do we stand on the whole trust issue?" He asks knowing the answer.

"Well I asked you to dinner of my own accord didn't I?" I reply with a wry smile, taking another sip, but keeping my eyes on his.

He lets out a small laugh. "Yes, you did." He leans forward and rests his arms on the table. "But I'd like to hear you say it," he says and takes a sip from his oversized wine glass.

I laugh again. But I remember Connie's words. I lean forward too, holding his stare. "I trust you," I tell him with a smile.

I watch him closely as he experiences the same feeling of relief I just did.

“So what now?” I ask. Hoping he will know where we go from here.

He laughs out loud. “I don’t know!” He says as he holds his hands up.

I laugh too, but it isn’t so funny.

“Hey, come on,” he says, seeing my face fall. “We can get past this, can’t we?” He takes my hand across the table.

I watch his thumb graze my knuckles and I look up into his eyes. I love this man. So why can’t I let go?

“We have to talk about that night,” he says quietly.

“No, no! I believe you. We don’t have to go through it all again.” I don’t want to think about it, let alone go through it in this lovely restaurant.

“Liv, whatever doubts you have are related to that night, if we can put them to rest, we can go back to how we were. Please. I’ve told you what happened to me, tell me what happened to you. It’s like I only know half of the story. It will help us I promise.” He looks so hopeful.

I try to take a deep breath to steel myself, but even that is shaky. I nod and sip my wine, for courage. “Okay.”

“Why did you come back to the apartment?” he asks, to start things off.

I pause. “Erm, because I realised that I was punishing you for lying to me.” I sigh.

He smiles. “I thought you were.”

“I was talking it all over with Grace and I just suddenly realised how much I loved you. I didn’t want to go to the party with all this bad feeling hanging over us. I just wanted to be with you.” I think about what awaited me when I did. “I borrowed Grace’s car and…” I swallow hard.

“So you came over? What did you see?” I know he has nothing to hide, I’m just not sure why we are reliving this.

“I hurried up to the front door. I was so anxious to see you and then I saw her.”

“Did you go in?”

I shake my head. “The curtains were open a bit. I saw her standing there taking off her clothes. She was in her underwear.” I look down at my fingers.

“I guess I was still in the shower,” he says, shaking his head in disgust. “She was lying on the bed when I found her.”

“She was smiling, I thought she was smiling at you. It killed me.” I whisper as I bite back tears.