Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“You need to talk to her, or Max at least, and find out what was said. It could be a huge misunderstanding.”

“No, there is nothing else she could have meant.” I sigh. “Maybe I should just come home.”

“No way. You haven’t given it enough time.”

“But when am I going to get the hint, that this wasn’t meant to be? I’ve tried so hard, I’m giving her so much space. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just wish I was there.”

“There is nothing here to make you happy, your home is there now. You just have to keep trying.”

I laugh a little to myself. This is ridiculous. I have nowhere to go. “I bought a car today, just trying to settle in a little. Ironic huh?”

“Come on now, don’t be defeated so easily. You’ve held onto this for half your life. You’re not giving up on it now.”

I sit staring out across the view down the hill and sigh heavily. It all seems so hopeless. I don’t know why I came to this spot exactly, nothing good ever happens to me here. It just has this kind of gravitational pull. My roots really are here.

“You still there?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I reply.

“Go and talk to Max. Find out what she said for sure and if you still feel like this, call me back.”

“Okay…thanks Jen.”

“It’s what I’m here for,” she says and I try to imagine her comforting smile.

When I slide my cell back into my pocket and glance back down the path, Max is there. He’s just standing waiting, with both hands shoved in his pockets, waiting for me to finish talking to Jen. My shoulders slump in response to his sympathetic gaze as he comes over.

“You had me worried for a minute. I didn’t know where you’d go,” he says.

“What gave me away?”

“Toby said he saw you. He said you looked angry.”

A small laugh almost erupts at the thought of me ‘looking angry’. “I’m ok.”

Max shuffles his feet around in the dusty earth beneath the trunk. “Look, I’m really sorry you had to hear all of that, she can be so stubborn sometimes, she’s her own worst enemy, but she is coming around.”

“It didn’t sound that way to me.” I scoff. “She can’t trust me…she doesn’t know if it’s enough…or even what she wants anymore, and the thought of me touching her again…” I trail off, not capable of finishing that sentence without crumbling.

“I think you got that a bit twisted.” He laughs.

“It’s okay. I know I’m wasting my time, she’s never going to forgive me.”

Max frowns. “Mate, she already has. Wasn’t that clear?”

“Um, no, not exactly.” I murmur, it’s not exactly clear now either. “If she can’t stand the thought of me ever touching her again, how can we be together?”

“Who said she couldn’t stand it?” He looks bemused, but not as bemused as me. “She wants it…err, no, that sounded wrong! She wasn’t saying she couldn’t stand the thought, she was saying it was a lovely thought.”

Okay, I’m so confused.

Max continues. “She doesn’t know how to turn it around and say she can trust you and that she forgives you, but she does. I was telling her that I think she’s being unfair keeping you at arm’s length, she didn’t like it that’s all.”

I rub my face, unsure how to deal with this about-turn. Did I really hear it so wrong? “But it sounded like she was writing me off.”

He sighs. “She’s trying to play it like she’ll never be able to trust you again, but I can tell it’s just an act. She wants to get back to how things were between you, she’s tempted, but she needs a push to drop all the nonsense.”

“This is your opinion.” I point out. “Not fact.”

“Oh it’s fact,” he says. “I know it, she knows it and if it wasn’t concerning you, you’d know it too. Trust me.”

“This is a real headfuck.” I moan. “What do I do?”

Max laughs a little ruefully. Then pauses, trying to be diplomatic I think. “I should say you’re on your own…that I can’t get involved,” he says. “But she holds all the cards and she isn’t playing fair. So here’s the thing…” He turns to face me. “You have to just make it happen.”

I stare blankly at him, waiting for more than that vague directive. But he seems to have finished.

“How?” I ask, redundantly.

“Just don’t take no for an answer. Push your way back in. But, at the same time, give her nothing. Make her want you, but make her wonder what you want. Show her how much you care, but with no affection.” He grins. “It won’t be pretty, but it’s what she needs. It will take some time and it might feel like it’s getting you nowhere, but in the end, she’ll be putty in your hands, I promise.”

“That sounds like something that would piss her off.” I point out, but even as I’m saying it, I know he’s right…and it amuses me too. I mean, I told her it would all be okay. That nothing mattered as long as she still loved me and believed what I told her about Brooke. I told her confidently that I would show her…and I meant something along these lines I guess. I meant that I would simply find a way of showing her that we had to be together. What I’d envisaged was slightly less devious. But I’m starting to think that being a bit more forceful might be the only way in.

She still loves me, I remind myself…and I’m going to get her back.

Max laughs with a mischievous look in his eyes. “And I know just where to start,” he says.

I drum my fingers on the table impatiently. Where is Max? He knows what time my appointment is. I check my watch, 13:35. We need to leave in ten minutes, he’s cutting it close. I watch Danny restocking the bar. He’s working really hard and I can’t pretend it isn’t having the desired effect. He’s been pretty great actually, even though I’m not quite ready to admit it.

Since I saw him first the other day, he hasn’t pushed me, he’s stopped calling me every hour and has just stayed in the background. Which I know must be really hard for him. I try not to be too obvious watching him, but when he glances up, he catches my eye and smiles. Shit! Thankfully, he has a full tray of glasses to go out to the kitchen and he walks away. I blow out a long breath. It’s harder not being with him than I thought it would be. Not that I could just magically trust him. But it still aches to be near him and not with him.

My mind drifts into an inappropriate daydream, which I quickly shut down. I can't allow these thoughts just because he’s being helpful, I scold myself but not quickly enough to stop the hot flush from sweeping over me. I hope no one notices. I look up to see if I got away with it and find him standing over me with his jacket on. I frown.

He extends his hand to help me up. “I’m taking you.” He explains when he sees how confused I am.

“Where’s Max?” I ask as I allow him to help me up.

“Taking the day off,” he replies as if it’s of little consequence.

“But he said he would take me to the hospital.”

“Well, I offered and he accepted,” he says, all pleased with himself.

“And no one wanted to discuss it with me?” I feel furious all of sudden. “I’m not a child, Danny.” I huff as I push past him with my crutches.

“Nobody thinks you are a child, Liv. I just thought it made more sense than him coming in especially.”

I’m out the door, while he’s still talking. Then it occurs to me, how are we going to get there? I turn to Danny to see him pulling keys from his pocket. Maybe he has borrowed Max’s car. To my left, a swanky silver Range Rover unlocks and Danny scoots round me to open the passenger door. I’ve no idea what is going on, my face must be a picture. While he goes around to the driver’s door, I try to smooth out my features into indifference. I’m still annoyed that they sorted this out without consulting me.

The new car smell is overwhelming. “Whose car is this?” I can’t help but ask, as he climbs in.

“Mine,” he says with boyish pride. “Like it?’

“You bought a car?”

“Uh-huh.” He manoeuvres this monster out of the space.

My mind races through all the questions…

1) Are you staying then?

2) Are you that sure I’ll take you back?

3) Have you already moved?

4) Where is your stuff?

5) Where will you live?

6) Should I be happy or furious that all of this has been decided without me?

I manage to run through this silently without a multitude of facial expressions, but I’m sure he knows what I’m thinking as he sits smugly beside me at the wheel of his new car.

“It’s nice,” I manage meekly. How much did it cost is all I can think. I don’t know how much money he makes, it’s none of my business, but he has two other cars already. Unless…no, he wouldn’t sell her, would he? Not on the off chance we could get back together. I can’t believe he’s bought a brand-new car, here. He must be intent on staying. I’ve refused to ask him what his plans are, but I’d assumed that he would go home at some point. This says otherwise.

“Oh and this is my new cell number,” he says, as he hands me a folded piece of paper without taking his eyes off the road. I silently accept it and glance at the number. It has no plusses or strange numbers in front of it. It starts with a zero seven…it’s a plain old British mobile number. He has a UK mobile! Once again, I hope that none of these calculations and the questions they prompt are evident in my face as I try to maintain an air of indifference. I’m not asking him about it…I’m just not!

We ride in silence to the hospital and he parks the beast nice and close for me. It isn’t discussed whether he will wait in the waiting room for me, or come in to hold my hand – metaphorically speaking. While I want to tell him not to come in, I’m slightly nervous about what they’ll do, so I say nothing and wait to see what he does.