Kerry Heavens - Still Human

‘I’ll leave you alone if that’s really what you want, but there are a couple of things you have to know.

Connie may have put the suggestion out there that day, but I’m so glad she did. I wouldn’t have contacted you, but not because I didn’t want to, because I thought I was respecting your wishes. She made me think that maybe you would want to hear from me and that was all I needed.

As for what I was or wasn’t prepared to do to fight for us in the past…you’ll never know the lengths I went to.’

For fuck’s sake, what does that mean? I feel panicked, like I’ve hurt him, or pushed him too far. Why should I care? I squash my concerns into the background and focus on the anger.

If you did something, went to some significant ‘lengths’ that would change my opinion of you, now is the time to speak up, sunshine. Otherwise, it’s just words. I start to write this as my reply, when Max appears at the door. Quickly, I delete it. What is the point? If I respond, it leaves the conversation open. He said he will leave me alone, maybe I should just let it go.

“You alright?” asks Max. It’s as if he knows words have been exchanged.

“Not really.” I sigh.

“What’s happened now?”

“Oh, I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

“No, come on, it’s what I’m here for,” he says sweetly.

"I just had a bit of a run-in with Danny on Facebook. Apparently, I trust him, it's myself I don't trust. Can you believe the nerve?" Max swallows hard and looks terrified. After an awkward silence, I know he agrees with him. This is going to end in an argument.

"Don't hate me," he says cautiously, "but maybe he’s right."

I stay calm. Max just stares. He's brave, I'll give him that, I'm not in the most reasonable frame of mind at the moment. I watch him for a while, shakily holding his ground and it occurs to me that although he’s not taking sides as such, he has all the information. He’s heard both sides in full and, try as he might to be completely behind me, he can't help but sympathise with Danny.

"You think I should trust him?" I ask slowly, in a measured tone.

Max nods.

"Do you?" I ask.

He pauses then nods again. "I think you want to as well," he adds quietly.

I draw in a deep breath to disagree, but a surge of emotion chokes me.

“Hey,” he soothes, moving closer. “It’s okay.” I break down in his arms.

Max holds me while I gather my thoughts. I allow myself to test the waters of believing Danny. If I did, then it would mean that all of this would go away. He could come back and we could be together. But would it all go away? Wouldn’t I have a nagging doubt, always? Then he would be here and I wouldn’t be happy. He will have given up everything and I would end up having to send him away. Oh God, why is this so complicated? I could choose to forgive him. That would be different, because that would be acknowledging what happened but moving past it. But then what kind of over-trusting idiot would that make me?

“I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong,” says Max, trying to help me.

I sniff and look up at him, wiping my face. Maybe Connie is right. Even if I don’t think I can trust Danny, I should at least be able to trust Max’s judgement, right?

“I think you should talk to him,” he says firmly.

I nod absently. Not realising it looks like I'm agreeing.

“You will?” he asks, hopefully.

I shrug, I don't have the energy to clarify. “He’s just told me he will leave me alone. I can’t go back on it now.”

“It’s never too late,” says Max. “You should call him.”

“No,” I answer, feeling railroaded all of a sudden. “Too much has happened. It’s better just to leave it.”

Max sighs and releases me. He sits back. “You really are infuriating sometimes,” he snaps. His phone beeps in his pocket and he pulls it out, still shaking his head at me in exasperation. He glances at the screen. “Shit, they need me downstairs. Sorry, big delivery, I’ve got to go.” He stands up and fixes me with his stern look. “Don’t throw this away, Liv. You’ll always regret it,” he adds as he leaves.

I’m so sick of this emotional torment, I can’t take anymore. I wish I could go away again, but Max is flat out, Connie has her own stuff and I’ve been to Mum’s already, she needs some time at home with Dave after a month away. I can’t go anywhere by myself. Feeling self-pity brimming out of me I weep again. I let myself sink into a cushion and sob. It’s a conscious decision to wallow, because I could do something. I could call Connie. I could get myself downstairs, I could get a cab somewhere, but it’s all too hard right now so I wallow. The phone rings and I ignore it. He just said he would leave me alone, some willpower he has. If I do decide to speak to him, it won’t be when I’m like this.

I pull a crumpled tissue from my pocket as the answer phone begins its familiar message. But the caller hangs up. Maybe he really has given up, it briefly occurs to me. My stomach turns over at the thought, but I shouldn’t care, I just asked him to leave me alone. Yet the thought of never hearing from him again is worse than anything else.

The phone rings again and I let out a frustrated growl, half choked with tears.

“Leave me alone!” I sob. I hear the beep, expecting it to cut off again, but I hear him breathe. The sound makes me freeze.

“Liv, please…” He begs, sounding emotional. “I’m begging you, talk to me…” There is a pause, I realise I’m holding my breath.

“I’m not giving up, Liv. I will fight for us…” he says. “I let you go too easily once before, I should have fought harder, but I was a stupid kid.” I struggle to sit up. I look at the phone, wanting desperately to pick it up. “But I won’t make that mistake again…”

I sob silently, so torn. I hate him for what he has done but I feel so weak. I wished he had fought harder when he left, so hearing this obviously weakens me further, but he didn’t fight. It’s too late now.

“Liv, I love you…deep down, you know…I wouldn’t do what you think I did…” He sighs. “Please…pick up the phone…” His voice fills the air, I can’t hide from it. I don’t think he will ever go away. After another long pause, he almost whispers, “…please, just pick it up…”

With shaking hands I reach for the phone, an unthinking response to his heartfelt request and press the button as I put it to my ear.

“Liv?’ he asks quietly.

“Yes,” I whisper, crying as silently as I can manage. But then I hear him break down and I can’t hold it back any longer. For a moment, we each battle with our own emotions.

“Sorry.” He chokes, trying to gather himself.

I remain quiet.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“No,” I say. What am I supposed to say?

“I miss you,” he says softly.

Again I stay silent. I can’t say anything that might seem like reciprocation, even though I do miss him, desperately. My heart is breaking all over again, talking to him, knowing I have to let him go.

“I love you so much,” he continues.

Summoning what little strength I have, I try to speak. “Danny…I…”

“No, don’t,” he interrupts. “You don’t have to say anything. I know you are angry and I know you are hurt. Picking up the phone is enough…Please don’t say anything to end things between us. We can work it out, you just need to let me back in.”

I swallow hard. “I can’t handle this at the moment.” I manage to say with a steady voice.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He sighs. “I’m sorry for everything…I didn’t mean to upset you before and I know I said I’ll leave you alone, but I can’t.”

A small sob escapes my lips and I fight to rein the emotion in. I can’t speak when he keeps saying things like that. I wait for him to say something else…

She says nothing, so I continue. “I didn’t do it, Liv.” I whisper, again fighting tears. “I know you don’t want to say you believe me, but…”

“Danny, it’s just too hard. Maybe we were better off before.”

“No.” I insist. “How can you say that?” I push back from the table in frustration and pace the room.

“Because…” She pauses, finding the words. I dread what she’s going to say. She sighs, she can’t find a good enough reason to quit. I still have a chance. I touch the door with my fingertips and think about how much she needs me right now. It’s killing me, not being able to help her, hold her. I can’t even tell her I know about the accident, because how could I justify not rushing to be by her side? I have to wait until she’s ready. Max warned me about pushing her, but he thinks she might be coming round, I can’t risk ruining it now. I turn and lean against the door.

“Because it was easier.” She sighs. Is that the best she can do?

“Than this, sure. But not easier than us being together.”

“But we’re not together now,” she says. I'm just thinking of the best response when she starts to make her escape.

“Look, I’ve got to go. I’m snowed under here.” She lies.

I half smile, “Okay. Can I call you later?” I ask, ever hopeful, I don't want to but I have to let her go, now that she has picked up, I hope I will have other chances.

“I don’t know, we’re really busy.” Another lie.

I try not to let the smile reflect in my voice. “Well, I’ll call anyway, pick up if you’re available.”

She hesitates. “Okay.”

There is silence between us. I can tell she doesn’t really want to go.

“Goodbye then,” I say as gently as I can. “Thanks for picking up.”

“Goodbye,” she replies.