Kerry Heavens - Still Human

“No, it’s fine, Max fancied a spot of shopping anyway.” Max pushes me back to where I was sitting earlier and I ease in, while he collapses the wheelchair and stows it in the back.

“I’ll just put all this upstairs, then I’ll come back for you,” he says.

I nod and turn to Connie as she sits opposite.

“So you two have made up?” she asks.

“We didn’t really fall out, but yes, we’re okay, so long as we steer away from certain subjects.”

“He only wants what is best for you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it with you either.” I warn.

“Darling, there is only one person you should talk to about it and you know that,” she says, reaching for my hand. I don’t offer it. “I was up there earlier, looking for you, he called and left a message. He sounds desperate. Maybe you should hear him out.”

“He calls about three times an hour,” I say. “I don’t think I can take much more."

“Then tell him to stop.”

“I can’t answer,” I admit quietly. “I don’t trust myself.”

“You don’t trust yourself?

“I’m too vulnerable, I can’t give him an inch, he’ll be able to walk all over me.”

“Maybe he won’t. Have you looked at your emails yet? He was asking you to look at them. Maybe he has explained himself,” she says gently.

I shake my head.

“But you want to?”

I slowly nod. “God, I’m so weak.” I sigh, dropping my face into my hands.

“Right, I’m coming up with you, we are going to do this right now, no more hiding. I’ll hold your hand.” She says with purpose, getting to her feet.

“Where are we going?” Max asks, back down to help me.

“Liv and I are going upstairs for a little girl time.” She winks at me.

I subtly brush a single tear from my cheek as I slide to the edge of the seat. I allow Max to help me stand, but then insist on getting myself up the stairs.

Once on the sofa, I settle myself in and Max brings us coffees. Then he makes his excuses and leaves us to it.

“I don’t think I can do this,” I admit to Connie.

“You have to, or he will never leave you alone. At least you can hear what he has to say without actually talking to him.”

I lean forward and pull his computer over so that it’s hovering over my lap. I’ve seen him switch it on before, so I reach behind and feel for the button. The screen comes on and, while I wait, I feel sick. The desktop appears and I wait for everything to load up. The email icon shows 348 messages. Hopefully not all from Danny. I click it. Scrolling through the messages, the first few are irrelevant. So I search for his name in the bar at the top. A new list appears and there are several. I scroll down to the first unread one and, with a deep breath, I open it. Connie holds my hand.

28th May 2012

Liv,

Please call me. I need to talk to you.

28th May 2012

Nothing happened I swear, please talk to me, we can straighten this out.

D x

28th May 2012

Dear Liv,

I really didn't want to do this by email, but you're leaving me no choice. I have to explain.

It has been over a week since you left. I’m sorry that I’m only just trying to contact you. I’m sorry I didn’t chase you…I’m just sorry. I thought you left because you didn’t love me. I was devastated. I realise now why you left and, although I wish you thought more of me, I know that you not trusting me is totally my fault. I want to tell you what really happened that night. I know you don’t want to hear me out and that you have already decided for yourself what happened, but I have to try.

After I took you to your sister’s place, I finished packing and ran a few errands. I felt like you were still punishing me for not being honest with you about Brooke. But I knew once we got home to the UK we could put it behind us. I hated the idea of meeting you at the party, but I agreed because I wanted you to spend some time with your family before we left.

After I finished up, I took a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Brooke was lying on my bed in nothing but her underwear and some slutty heels. It turns out, she stole a spare key that day she came by and cried on my doorstep. She had every intention of using it to try and seduce me or break us up, or something. Fuck knows what goes on in that girl’s head.

I freaked. I told her to get out. We yelled at each other back and forth, and I threatened to call the cops and report her for breaking and entering. I even dialled the number. In the end, though, I managed to get her out the door and I told her if she didn’t leave us alone I would report her to the cops and the school board and she would lose her job.

After she left, the first thing I did was call you. I promised to be completely honest, so I didn’t hesitate in calling you to tell you what had just happened. You didn’t pick up though and I haven’t heard your voice since.

When I couldn’t reach you, I went to the party as planned, but you didn’t show up. I was frantic with worry at first. But then Grace called to say they found your note. I was devastated, I thought, well it’s not important what I thought. It was all self-pity. But I was wrong. You didn’t leave because of how you felt about me. You left because you thought I cheated on you. I completely understand.

But I’m going to make you trust me again. Nothing happened with Brooke. I don’t know what you saw, but I do know you didn’t see me do anything wrong because I didn’t. I would never do anything to jeopardise what I have with you. I want to grow old with you.

I love you with all of my heart and I hope you still love me.

Please call me so that we can talk about this.

Danny x

Silent tears are running down my face when I look up at Connie. She pulls a tissue from the box on the side table and hands it to me. I wipe my eyes and sit staring into nothingness. How can I believe him?

“What do you think, darling?” Connie utters beside me.

I shrug and shake my head, there are no words, I’m utterly empty.

I glance back at the screen. He sent it the day of the accident.

“He seems sincere.” She offers. “There are more, are you going to open them?”

I click on the next one.

28th May 2012

Liv,

Please, talk to me. You’re not answering my calls. I know you’re hurt but we have to talk about this.

I miss you.

Danny. x

Then I click on the next one.

30th May 2012

I can’t stand not hearing your voice. Please pick up. I love you x

30th May 2012

I think about you every minute of every day. I should be with you, this is killing me. Please talk to me. X

30th May 2012

Liv,

I wish you had confronted me that day, you would have seen that I had nothing to hide and we would be together right now. Instead, we are apart and I can’t get through to you. You’re hurting and there is nothing I can do to make it better. Please, give me the chance to try. I know I can make you happy.

Danny x

“I need to lie down,” I say, making a start on standing up. There are more, at least one for each day since, but probably more. I expect they all say the same thing, but I’ve heard enough.

Connie bolts up and pulls the computer out of the way, while I get my crutches organised. Slowly I hop to the bedroom.

Connie follows me in and sets my coffee down on the bedside table. She hands me the phones. I sigh, they are like a millstone around my neck. She sits on the edge of my bed and strokes my forehead.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” she asks. I shake my head. “Well call one of us if you need anything and don’t forget your tablets.”

“Okay,” I mutter. She leaves me alone and I just stare at the ceiling.

Danny's words spin around my head. I just can't deal with any of this right now. If he knew what had happened to me he might give me a break. But the chances are he would use my vulnerability against me. Why is he pursuing me this hard now, after I meant so little to him that he would cheat on me? The image of them together in my dream comes into my mind and I sob. I’m so glad I didn't see it for real, the knowledge is painful enough.

When Max came up to see how I was later, he found me in the dark and in pain because I’d forgotten my medication. Once that pain takes hold, or gets ahead of you as the doctor termed it, it’s really hard to get back on top of it. Max forced me out of bed and sorted me out then, while I was waiting for the medication to kick in, he distracted me from the pain by making me talk. At first I didn’t want to talk about it, I was still angry that he seemed to have spoken to Danny and was convinced he had fallen for the lies. But since reading Danny’s emails, all of them... I succumbed and finished reading them...I haven’t felt so, so…Oh, let’s face it, I’ve softened. This is the reason I was so determined not to hear him out.

Mum came home from LA on Sunday night and after spending Monday at home doing her washing, she came to see me on Tuesday. After sitting with her and Connie for a morning, I felt so claustrophobic. Not because I don’t love them both, I really do, but I had severe cabin fever. So when Mum suggested that I come back to Brighton with her for a few days, I jumped at the chance. I switched off my answer machine and left my laptop behind. I did take my phone at Max’s insistence, but kept it on silent. I guess Max must have told Danny I went away, because he didn’t bother me. There were no emails and only two missed calls.