Kerry Heavens - Still Human

Liv

“Please Liv, you have to eat something,” begs Max.

I tighten the covers around me. I’m not hungry, but I keep quiet. If I speak, even about food, he’ll think I’m ready to talk. There’s nothing else to say. I poured it all out when I got home and there’s nothing left. He stayed with me all night, held me tight while I cried and now he is fussing around. He wanted to call everyone to tell them I was safe. But I warned him not to call Danny. I said he could let Mum know I was okay but that was it. No details and under no circumstances were any of them to make any contact with Danny either. I can just imagine Mum and Grace as vigilantes and, while I want him to hurt, he isn’t worth it.

“I’m going down to check on things, I’ll bring you something up anyway.” He says quietly. I don’t respond.

In the silence of my flat, my ears ring. I hate silence, I always have and without thinking I get out of bed, wrapping myself in a blanket, and sit in front of the TV. I find a film on a movie channel I’ve seen before and sit and ignore it. It’s better than the deafening silence. Now that I’m upright, I ponder what to do next. I know I have to pull myself together today, Connie is flying home. Ugh! She won’t let me just wallow, she’ll make me talk. I need to get up, shower and go to work. Keeping busy is my only option, it'll keep people off my back.

As I adjust the temperature of the shower, I examine my options. I don't really have any. It's not like life was going well before I allowed Danny to walk in and screw me over. I have to just try my hardest to get back to normal as quickly as possible. I should have trusted my instincts. Danny was just human after all, hurting me was almost inevitable. Sadly, I knew that but the naive teenager in me just got sucked in for old time's sake. I knew this would happen, I was safer with Mark, at least I could take that on the chin.

Max is waiting when I come out of the bedroom dressed for work.

“I brought you some coffee and…” He starts as he turns to me. His face falls as he sees me. “Liv, you’re not going to work?”

I walk across to where he is sitting and pick up my coffee. Taking a sip, I smile a tiny smile and sit beside him.

“What should I do then?” I ask softly.

“We have it all covered downstairs. You need to sort your head out.”

“I’m not going to do that here, trust me. I need the distraction.” I put my hand on his knee. “Thank you for looking after me, but I have to get back down there before I drive myself insane.”

He sighs. “Well, you aren’t going anywhere until you eat something.” He holds up a muffin on a plate.

I smile sweetly and dutifully take the muffin. Then, with some physical effort, I force some down. I may as well start now, Connie will be much harder to deal with.

Satisfied, Max sits back and seems to relax slightly. I can hear his cogs turning though and I know he wants to talk. So when he parts his lips to say whatever it is I know I don’t want to hear, I say “I don’t want to talk about it.” Then, getting to my feet, I take the coffee and the muffin and go to the door.

“Coming?” I ask innocently as I head down to the diner.

Danny

Jen places a coffee on my nightstand and sits on the edge of the bed. “If they know any more, they’re not saying,” she says softly.

She was just on the phone to Liv’s sister, trying to get more information. But I know all I need to know. They found the note last night when they got back; it said she was going home.

It didn’t say why, but I know.

She doesn’t love me.

She found out I was going to propose and she ran.

Again.

Last night after the dust settled, Jen found the ring bag screwed up in the trash. I’d left it out on the counter when I went to go meet Liv at the party and it doesn’t take a genius to see what happened. Liv came back just after I left, saw the bag, figured it out, freaked and then packed her things and left.

Scott and Jen left me alone last night, but only after I insisted. Jen came back first thing this morning though, to make sure I was okay. She wants me to get up and go over to Grace’s to find out what they know, but I don’t want to hear it. I can’t face their pity and I’m too angry to see Connie. This is all her fault. Liv and I were getting on with our lives quite happily until she interfered. Now I’m left with that old open wound and I have to start getting over her again. Except this time, I don’t think I can.

“Danny, come on, drink your coffee.” Jen urges. Reluctantly, I sit up and take a sip.

“Thanks,” I say distantly.

“So what are you going to do now?”

“Nothing,” I tell her.

She watches me as I drink, until I can’t take it any longer. I throw the covers off and get up.

“Are you going over there?” she asks hopefully.

I turn and see her optimistic face. “No,” I say firmly. “I have unpacking to do.”

“Danny! You can’t just give up.”

“Why not?” I scoff. “She has.”

I shower and throw on some shorts and a t-shirt. I’ve successfully managed to work through the hellish night. The nights are the worst, but this one was particularly bad as it’s precisely a week on from the night Liv walked out on me. Jen had some ridiculous idea of me having dinner with them, but that sounded like my worst nightmare. Why would I want to mark the occasion with a sombre dinner when I could be working away in my pit, unaware of the world and all the pain within it? I’m so glad I have this job to do right now, or I would have driven myself nuts. But, it’s Saturday morning and if I don’t show my face for the obligatory pancakes I’m going to be in for a world of shit. Besides, there is something I need to discuss with them both.

Scott is up, dressed and looking particularly chipper when I arrive laden down with groceries.

“Wow! You realise it’s A.M. right?” I rib as I put the groceries down.

“Yeah, yeah,” he dismisses.

“So how are you?” asks Jen with her well-rehearsed tone.

“I’m doing okay,” I say, trying not to brush her off. I know she is worried about me, but I can’t do what she wants me to do. I’m not chasing Liv. Jen has tried cajoling, nagging, yelling and crying. There is only bribery left, but she seems to have risen above that. She wants me to be happy, but she is wrong about how I can achieve that. I should have left the whole thing alone. But I went against my gut and this is the result. I won’t make that mistake again. I’m staying put. Screw Liv.

“Working hard?’ Jen asks, this is more of an accusation.

“Yes,” I say like a sulky teen. “But it’s what I need right now. Anyway, I need the money…I’ve a huge credit card bill to pay.” I joke, referring to the ring. But there is little humor to be found, even when the joke is my own. I sigh. How did I become the guy with two unwanted engagement rings to his name?

Jen doesn’t push further.

“So whose turn is it to cook?” I ask, knowing full well it’s mine, I’m just trying to change the subject. Jen rolls her eyes and sets about making coffee. Scott takes the morning papers over to the table, his usual position. I’ve no idea when he became exempt from cooking, but Jen and I take turns.

I get on with mixing the batter, it’s second nature now, and Jen and I move about the kitchen in perfect sync with one another. I wonder distantly, how I thought it would be easy to give this up and move. I love these guys.

We make Scott do all the donkey work after breakfast; it’s only fair that he cleans up. Jen and I poke fun at him for our own amusement, from where we sit in the garden.

“I’m just not used to seeing him this alert on a Saturday morning,” I tease.

“We went for a walk on the beach this morning,” Jen says with a knowing look. “We had stuff to talk about.”

“And?” I ask, knowing full well the subject they needed to discuss. They have been back and forth all week on this sperm donor thing. I know Jen is terrified, but Scott sees it as no big deal and just wants to get on with it. I really admire the guy; hell, it’s quite a dent in the old masculinity. But as far as he is concerned, it’s just a blip. Any child that is conceived as a result would be his and his alone. Jen has just read one bad example and it has her all in knots. She’s worried that Scott won’t feel connected to the baby and she’ll be left all alone. That just wouldn’t happen.

Scott joins us just then and they smile at each other. “I talked her around,” Scott says, never taking his eyes off Jen as he sits beside her. God, he loves her.

“That’s great!’ I exclaim and put my arms around Jen lifting her slightly out of her chair. “So what happens now?”

“Well…we start looking,” she says with a nervous smile. “It’s a long process and we need a few months to figure out my ovulation issues.”

Okay, here goes. I can’t handle any more rejection this week. “I don’t know the best way to approach this,” I say, looking them in the eye in turn. “But, when you’re ready, I was hoping you would consider me.”

Silence descends on the garden.

I fidget in my seat. “Okay, I can see you guys are having a hard time processing what I’ve just said, but I’ve done a lot of research.” I waffle through the awkward silence, while jogging into the kitchen. From the bag on the counter I produce a wad of papers. “I’ve looked into ways to do this sort of thing and it seems like people do it all the time.” I pause for breath and lay the pages on the table. Waiting nervously to see who speaks first, I feel like I’ve crossed a line and it could go either way. Have I just wrecked my closest friendship? It wouldn’t surprise me, I seem to be on a roll.