C Reiss - Spin

I picked one up from the floor. “Here. I’ll wash it.”

She snatched it and blew on it. “Sanitizing pixie dust. Knife too, please.”

I picked one of my best silver butter knives off the floor and handed it to her without offering to wash it. The sink was full of china cruets anyway.

“I’ll put it all away later.”

“Whatever.” She cleared a space in front of the coffee pot and poured herself some.

“But we have to be on set today, then I have work on Monday. I’ll get Manuela on it when she comes Tuesday,” I said.

“Whatever.”

“Are you mad?”

“Mad? No. I almost broke all these damned dishes last night in a rage, but not because of them. Only because they were in front of me.”

I handed her a dish. “Go ahead. Break it.”

She took it and waved it up and down, balancing it on her fingertips like half a seesaw. Then she put it on top of its stack. “It’s pointless.” She put the heels of her hands to her eyes and growled in a tantrum.

“What?”

“Apogee fell through,” she shouted, as if yelling at the entire Hollywood system.

“What? They won’t distribute it?”

“No, they backed out of post-production.”

“Why?”

“Because.” She shook her hands as if she was at a loss for words. “Lenny Garsh moved to Ultimate, and the new guy’s only backing projects he believes in. Completed projects.” She stamped her feet. Full-on tantrum. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I have the editing bay and ADR place booked, and I can’t pay.”

“Okay, we can work this out.”

“There’s nothing to work out. I’m screwed. I tapped everyone I know to do production. Now there’s no point in even finishing.” Her face collapsed. It took seconds for the muscles to go slack and the tears to gather. She sniffed, hard and wet. “Fuck, what am I going to tell Michael? He was depending on this. He’s a star, you know? In his gut. And I told him... I told him we’d get this done.”

“You will get this done,” I said, taking her shoulders.

“Ernie shot it free because he believed in me.”

“Katrina—”

“It’s my job to get the money, and I let everyone down.” She was full-on blubbering and trying to talk through hitching gasps.

I put my arms around her. “Directrix?”

I was answered with sobs.

“You have another week of production. Do you have the money to finish it?”

She nodded into my shoulder. “But—”

“No buts. Get it together.”

“I don’t have enough. I missed a wide on the dinner scene.”

“You won’t be the first. Now we have twenty minutes to get out of here and get to set. People are waiting.”

She pulled away and wiped her eyes. “I have to tell them.”

“No.” I put up my hands. “What is wrong with you? That’ll kill the momentum.”

She put her head in her hands. “I don’t know what I’m thinking.”

“Go take a shower, and let’s go. Come on. I took a week off work to finish this with you. We have to get this thing in the can by Friday. Reschedule your ADR. It’s a phone call, right?”

“If they have space. They book months in advance.”

“Fast, cheap, or good,” I said, quoting the old filmmaking motto that no one can get more than two of the three. “Fast isn’t happening.”

“I have to eat. I can’t mooch off you forever.”

“Whatever. Let’s deal with today. Okay? We’re shooting at the café again?”

“Yes.”

“If you start freaking out, you come to me, right?”

“I love you, Tee Dray. You’re so together.”

 I checked my phone after the thirty-fifth take. It was a long shot of Michael watching the woman in question over the food counter, and with so many moving parts, it was difficult to get. But the shot was meant to show infinite hours of longing for a woman who didn’t want him, and on the thirty-sixth try, it was stunning.

I didn’t expect Antonio to try to reach me, but I was surprised by my burning hope. Did I want him? Or did I want him to want me? He was toxic, and I shouldn’t touch him even if I was operating on all emotional cylinders, which I wasn’t. I had to keep in the front of my mind the fact that I couldn’t trust any man with my body or heart. No matter how intense. No matter how strong. No matter how much the sex was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

Even thinking about Antonio, I felt a familiar throb between my legs. Even as I noted the placement of every extra’s arms and legs, I ached for that treacherous man, his pine scent, his rock of a dick.

“Cut!”

Katrina was barely finished with her encouragements to the actors before I had my phone out. Nothing from Antonio. Three from Gerry, Daniel’s strategist. I got back to business making my notes. I needed to arrange my finances so I could get Katrina half a million dollars in such a way that she would accept it.

I didn’t know how I’d get it done in time. I had a week before she lost her mind. I was incorporated, but not as an investor. I couldn’t decide if I wanted her to know it was me who was fronting the money. It was two in the morning, and I was tired. Hardly ready for Gerry to show up in a three-piece suit looking as though he’d just woken up, showered, shaved, and taken his vitamins.

“Almost the first lady of the city,” he said with a jovial tone, “packing binders in a parking lot.”

“What are you doing here?” I stuffed the last of the day’s work into a duffel.

“Los Angeles never sleeps.”

“Daniel Brower does. A good five hours between midnight and dawn.”

“That’s when I get to work. Can we talk?”

I slung the bag over my shoulder. Katrina would get home on her own. “Sure. You’re driving though. My car’s busted.”

The front seat of Gerry’s Caddy SUV was bigger than the couch in my first apartment. The bag was in the back like a dead body.

“He’s not performing,” Gerry said, turning onto the 110. “Every time he flubs or goes back to some old habit, it’s like a snowball. It hasn’t affected his polling yet, but soon, it’s gonna get obvious.”

“After the election, he’ll get it together again.”

“He started biting his nails.”

“The ring finger?”

“Yeah. In a meeting with Harold Genter. I think I bruised his calf.”

I sighed. Years, I’d spent years in media skills sessions. We’d discussed that every movement, every breath, was ten times bigger on camera, and those moves flowed into real life. People wanted their leaders polished. Policy was secondary, and politics took third rung. If he was seen biting his nails, flipping his hair, or slouching, he’d be a laughingstock.

“He needs you,” Gerry said.

“He should have thought of that.”

“Okay, lady, yes. You can be bitter and aggrieved. You earned it. You happy? Are you going to hold your bag of self-righteousness into your dotage? It gets heavy when you get old. Believe me.”

“I can’t trust him ever again. How am I supposed to carry that around? And for how long? Into the presidency?”

“As long as you want.” He drove on the surface streets—stop start stop start—obeying the lights even though no one was around.

I knew I’d let it go eventually. I’d learn to trust another man. He wouldn’t be Daniel, of course. I would have to invest in someone else all over again. Get hurt, move on. Hurt someone, move on. Antonio had proven how easy that was. One day, I’d fall in love. Maybe. I was thirty-four. I’d never felt too late until Gerry asked about my dotage.

“I hurt all over,” I said. “All the time. I don’t know what I feel any more. I don’t know what I want. I feel separate from my own thoughts. The fact that I’m telling this to a political strategist is enough of a red flag that I need to be medicated or institutionalized.”

I didn’t say that I think about hurting but not killing myself. I couldn’t cry. I felt unanchored. I loved Daniel still. The last time I’d felt marginally alive was with Antonio. I’d always depended on men for my happiness.

“Big Girls is opening Friday,” Gerry said as he pulled up in front of my building.

“Yeah.”

“It’s about domestic violence. We pitched that as your hot button during the campaign. I’ve seen the picture. It’s good.”

“You’re making a movie recommendation?” I asked.

“Daniel is making it a point to see it and release a statement after.”

“You’re trying to set me up on a date? Are you serious?”

“This is a high stakes date, Theresa. Please.”

I opened the car door and stepped out, slamming it shut and opening the back for my bag. “You’re a crappy Cupid.”

I should have taken a cab.

Fucking Gerry. I walked in the door cursing him, flinging my bag into a corner.

Fucking fucking Gerry. The man was made of the finest, most indestructible plastic in the universe. He didn’t have a feeling in him.

Or maybe he did. Maybe he just didn’t have a feeling for me.

Or maybe he did. Maybe I didn’t have a feeling for me.

Or maybe it wasn’t about me. Maybe it was about Daniel and the city of Los Angeles. Maybe it was about a campaign I’d invested my heart and soul in, and when Daniel fell through, what I’d wanted for myself fell through.

Or maybe it didn’t matter what Gerry thought was important. Maybe something was bothering me. Something that had excited me, given me something to look forward to, made me forget how much I despised my fucking life.

Antonio had made me feel alive, as if I’d been asleep for months. He shook me, slapped me. I was finally ready, and I’d thrown it away. It had been a casual nothing, a little dirty talk, something to fill the hours while I waited to get over Daniel. I wasn’t allowed to get upset over such a little nothing, but I was desperately upset, and I couldn’t admit it to myself until I was asked to be Daniel’s beard yet again.