Danielle Steel - Southern Lights

“Don’t ever tell me that again. It’s self-serving. You’re sorry now, but where were you for the last ten years? With Luisa. If you never say that again, maybe we can be friends. Deal?”

He nodded somberly, and knew he was lucky she was even willing to do that. “Deal. I’m sorry.”

“Good. Go home to your wife now, or whatever you want to do. I’m going to meet Savannah at the soccer game.” He nodded, a little shaken, or even a lot, by what she had said. Somehow, foolishly, he had hoped he could still get her back. He had thought of it when he saw her in New York, but didn’t know how to do it. And he hoped that she might feel that way too. She didn’t. He had hurt her way too much for her to ever come back to him. She might forgive him, but she would never take him back. There was no doubt in his mind now. Or hers.

They walked outside after he paid the check, and she smiled at him. “Thank you. I feel better.” She had waited ten years to say those things to him, and had finally had the chance. She knew that that had been a gift. He didn’t feel better, and she could see it. But that was no longer her problem.

She left him outside the restaurant and drove to the soccer game, and found Savannah just leaving the bleachers. There was a tall handsome boy waiting for her on the field, and other kids leaving the game too. Savannah was smiling at him, with a whole world in her eyes, and it made Alexa’s heart ache to see it. She told herself that if this boy hurt her, she would have to kill him. Not really, but she would want to. She was still shaken by what Tom had said to her at lunch. If she had let him, he would have dumped Luisa and come back to her. Maybe. Or had an affair with her and broken her heart again. If his mother had even let him do that, or if he had the balls, which she knew he didn’t. Luisa and his mother had them. It hadn’t been fair of him to say he still loved her, but at least he had said he was sorry and seemed to mean it. Maybe that was enough. She felt lighter than she had in years.

Savannah introduced her to Turner when her mother walked across the field and reached them.

“Turner, this is my mom.”

“Hi,” Alexa said, smiling broadly. He looked like a sweet boy, and so young. And as she looked at him, she remembered that he had lost his mother and felt sorry for him.

“It’s very nice to meet you, ma’am. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you from Savannah.” He was very southern and very polite, but looked sincere.

“I’ve heard some pretty nice things about you too. How was the game?”

“We won,” he said, grinning and pleased, as Savannah smiled at him and then her mother.

“Turner scored the winning points. Two of them,” she said proudly, as her mother looked at them both and felt a thousand years old, but happy for them.

She took them to their favorite hangout for a burger and shake. They chatted easily for an hour, and then Savannah and her mother went back to the hotel to get their nails done. It was a luxury they both enjoyed. Alexa told her daughter that she liked Turner very much, and Savannah looked delighted.

When they went back to the room after their manicures, Alexa told Savannah what had happened at lunch. She never kept secrets from her. They were best friends as well as mother and daughter, although Alexa was always clear what her role was, as the mother.

“Daddy asked me in a roundabout way today if I’d come back to him-he said that he still loves me and regrets what he did.”

“What did you say to him?” Savannah asked with interest, watching her mother’s eyes. She looked happy, happier than she had in a long time.

“I told him never to say that to me again. It’s enough if we can be friends. That in itself is a miracle after what happened. I could never trust him again. I would never, ever trust him. And I don’t want to go there again.”

“What did he say?”

“I think he was shocked,” Alexa said honestly.

“Was he pissed?”

“I don’t think so. Sad maybe. It wasn’t even fair for him to ask me, or imply it. It’s been too long, and he hurt me too much.” Savannah nodded. She agreed. She knew how hurt her mother had been, or could guess.

“I understand, Mom. I think you did the right thing.” Even Savannah remembered her mother crying for hours every day, for years. It had been a terrible time. He couldn’t just walk back in now, because he was bored and didn’t like the choice he made. What about Alexa and what it had done to her? “I don’t think he’ll ever leave Luisa anyway,” Savannah said wisely. “She runs the show. And he lets her do it.”

“He always did,” Alexa said quietly, “even when he was married to me, at the end. They deserve each other.” Savannah nodded, although she felt sorry for her father too. Luisa was a terrible person. But he had made that choice, twice.

They had a wonderful evening and talked late into the night. Turner called Savannah, and Alexa invited him to brunch with them the next day. And Travis called them in the morning. He wanted to see Alexa, and he and Scarlette dropped by after church for a few minutes. Savannah and Alexa were too lazy to go this time, and they didn’t want to run into Luisa again. They were glad they hadn’t gone when Travis said they had just gone to church with his mother.

He sat down with Alexa in their living room and talked about old times, and his life now. He apologized for not writing to her, and she said she understood. He had been young and his mother had forbidden it. Alexa knew that, although out of loyalty to his mother he didn’t say it. He was as polite and sweet as he had been as a child, and he was very proud when he introduced her to Scarlette. She seemed like a nice girl, and Alexa hoped they would make each other happy. They talked about the wedding for a few minutes and how stressful it was organizing everything, and then they left. They were going to have lunch with Scarlette’s parents to work on the guest list for the wedding.

The rest of the day sped by, and then it was time for Alexa to leave again. Tom met them in the lobby, as he had before, to pick up Savannah. Alexa thanked him again for lunch the day before. He had taken to heart all that she had said, and he met her eyes sadly.

“Thank you for being willing to have lunch with me.” He realized now what a concession it had been for her, and how brave she had to be to do it. He understood now more than ever how much he had hurt her. He had focused on his own pain and loss for almost eleven years, but had never fully understood the depth of hers, and now he did. He had lost her forever. Just when he wanted her back. For her, it was way too little way too late, and no matter how much she had loved him, he was a man she could never trust again. For Tom, it felt awful. Hope died in him the day before. For Alexa, it had died ten years before.

Savannah kissed her mother goodbye again, and went home with her father. Her mother had promised to come back in two weeks. The time was going by, and Savannah was used to it here now. In some ways it felt like home, and in other ways she felt like a stranger. It was what Alexa said she had felt when she lived there, because no matter how much you love it, if you’re not born in the South, you will never really be one of them. And now Savannah was beginning to understand that too. They still talked about southerners and Yankees, and the flag of the Confederacy was embedded in their hearts forever, and flew from many homes.

She noticed that her father looked unhappy as they drove home, and she glanced at him with concern.

“You okay, Dad?” He nodded and smiled at her, but his eyes were sad. She suspected that what her mother had said the day before had affected him deeply. But Savannah didn’t blame her a bit.

When they got back to the house, Luisa was waiting for him. She was wearing a black Chanel suit and a lot of jewelry and makeup. She scolded him for being late. They were going to dinner with friends. This was his life now. For better or worse. It was the life and the woman he had chosen. The one he had truly loved, and who had loved him, was gone.

It was the beginning of April, with only a month until the trial. It was still cold in New York, and it snowed the whole week after Alexa came back from her weekend with Savannah. In Charleston it was spring, and flowers were blooming everywhere. There were azaleas and wisteria vines, cherry blossoms. The garden at Thousand Oaks was resplendent and a fleet of gardeners worked on it every day.

Everything about the two cities and their lives there was in sharp contrast. In New York it was freezing cold, snowing, barren, gray, and Alexa was preparing the trial of a man who had murdered eighteen young women. The weather was as cold and dark as what she was doing.

In Charleston everything was blossoming, the weather was warm, and Turner and Savannah were falling in love. Daisy teased her about it constantly, and all the girls at school were jealous. He invited her to the senior prom. And her father allowed her to invite him to dinner at the house. Luisa wasn’t welcoming, but at least she wasn’t overtly rude to him since the Beaumonts and his father were friends.

The best part about Savannah being in Charleston, other than meeting Daisy, dating Turner Ashby, and developing a relationship with her grandmother, was that she had a chance to do things with her father that she never would have otherwise.

He went on long walks with her, showed her the places where he played as a boy, took her to the famous plantations outside the city, Drayton Hall, Magnolia, Middleton Place, and Boone Hall. They explored them together, and went for walks on the beaches near Mt. Pleasant. They spent hours talking and getting to know each other. She had a real father now, not just a cardboard figure who showed up twice a year in New York, and wouldn’t let her into his real life. And he knew for certain now, as did she, that he would never shut her out again. He wanted Savannah in his life.