“I miss her so much, Had. Every single moment of every goddamn day.” He falls silent as he reins in the tears before continuing. “Every day I think she’s going to walk through that front door, that I’ll hear her bitch that I left my shoes in the way, hear her laugh as I tell her about my day, watch the love in her eyes as she holds Maddie … every damn day….” His voice fades off.

His words tear into me and reawaken a sadness that somehow was untapped somewhere, and before I can think, the question is off my tongue. “Do you ever wish you’d never met her?” His head snaps up, the shock and anger in his eyes has me scrambling to explain myself. “I mean, was loving her worth the risk? If you hadn’t met her, then you’d never have had to go through all of this. You’d never have had to watch her die, be alone….”

Danny hangs his head for a moment before looking back toward her marker. “I don’t regret for a single day any moment I spent with her—good, bad, and ugly.” He looks up to meet my eyes. “She was my everything, Haddie. And, God … fuck, it broke me, watching her suffer, watching her die…. Look at me. I’m still broken,” he says, holding his hands out to his sides, “but I wouldn’t give up a single second I had with her because even though the end was brutal, do you have any idea how much of her light she left me to hold on to?” A ghost of a smile spreads across his face, and somehow it reaches his eyes for the first time since she died. “She gave me hope and laughter. She gave me love so strong, I’ll always feel it, feel her. She gave me a lifetime of memories in the few years we had together … and most important, she gave me Maddie.”

And the way he says that, with astonished gratitude, has a soft smile spreading on my lips too.

“Would I give anything to have her here? Give up everything I own so that she could watch Maddie grow up and so she could sit in a rocker on the porch and grow old with me? Without a fucking doubt, I would … but you know what? We lived every moment together like it was our last, even before she got sick. We used to always say no regrets. How little did we know what that motto would come to mean for us….” His voice trails off.

He runs a hand through his hair as he takes a few steps away from me and then stops. “You asked me if it was worth the risk,” he says before turning back around to look at me. “I miss her. I lost her … but look at all that I would have missed, never experienced, if I’d never opened myself up. Is fate cruel? Hell yes, it is. Would I have rather not have loved her so I didn’t feel this constant grief? Never. She was worth it … every fucking risk…. She was worth every single one.” And even though there are tears glistening in his eyes, his voice has never sounded more resolute.

We stare at each other for a moment before he mutters that he needs a moment to compose himself. He starts to walk away, and I tell him to stay. I’ll wander so he can have some time with Lex.

I walk carefully through the cemetery and come to an unoccupied grassy patch up on a hill overlooking the rest of it. I lower myself to the grass and prop myself back on my hands, raise my face to the sun, and enjoy the warmth of it drying my tears. Danny’s words strike a chord in me, my heart so happy that my sister was able to experience that kind of love in her short life. And then I start to think of Becks, and I begin to wonder if I’m robbing us of a chance at that.

Could he be the one? Could we have a love like that? I have no clue, but Danny’s right. Who am I to try to control fate for us? Hell yes, the fear is still there and the desire to push him away to protect him, but at the same time, I feel that tiny thrill of possibility.

A dandelion catches the corner of my eye, and the sob chokes in my throat. Memories light up my mind, and I can’t help but think of this as a sign that Lex is hearing me, understanding me, rooting for me.

I lean over to pick the dandelion up and hold it up in front of my face, staring at the plethora of seeds tempting me to blow them into the wind. I close my eyes, the first tear slipping over, but this tear is a combination of acceptance, sorrow, and relief.

“I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight,” I say, repeating our dandelion duo mantra. “I wish for time so I can make a thousand more wishes on my own.” Then I close my eyes and blow as hard as I can. I open them to watch the seeds take flight and dance across the breeze. And I can’t help but waste one of those wishes right now as I wish to be one of them, free and in flight without a worry.

“Time is precious, Haddie,” Danny says off to my right as I continue to watch the dandelion seeds.

“Waste it wisely,” I finish Lex’s motto for him.

And I’ve already wasted too much of it.



Chapter 29



BECKS

The percussion section in my head has finally quieted down some as I sit on the balcony. I’m slowly fading into recovery sleep, feet propped up on the railing, and a bottle of water in my hand.

My mind whirls a million miles an hour, after spending the better part of the morning on my laptop doing Google searches on mastectomies and what to expect as the caregiver when helping someone going through chemo and radiation.

Scary fucking shit.

Basically kill you to try to cure you.

You’d think modern medicine would have a better solution than this, but I guess you take the tried-and-true route until you need to take a different one. Stick to what works and all that.

And it’d better work. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Now I just need to see her. Hold her. Tell her face-to-face the gloves are on, and I’m waiting in the ring.

Then the first of many waiting games will begin.

After she apologized for not telling me, Ry promised to call the minute she heard from her. She said she thought Haddie was visiting Lexi and already had her brother-in-law on the way to see if she was at the cemetery and to make sure she was okay.

I put the cap back on the water bottle and lower my hat over my eyes. My phone alerts me to a text—probably the hundredth of the day between Ry, Colton, and myself—so I don’t have any expectations when I lift it up to look at the screen. But when I do, the gas is knocked from my tank.

Meet me in the ring?

The smile spreads wide on my face, the response giving me so much more than the simple request it reads as. I tell myself to calm the fuck down, that we’ve been here before, and that if she gets spooked, she’ll run again.

But that doesn’t stop the surge of relief that comes.

I scramble to respond, pissed when the doorbell rings because answering this text is ten times more important. “Come in,” I yell, head down and focused on texting her back.

Rex lifts his head to look toward the door, and I’m just about to hit SEND when I look up and drop the phone with a loud clatter on the table.

Haddie stands in the doorway of the patio, shorts, tank top, sweatshirt tied around her waist, but it’s when I come to her feet that I’m knocked off my stride.

Damn.

She’s wearing a pair of pink flip-flops.

I shove away my mom’s stupid-ass dream about the shoes—she’s just being crazy, after all—but I can’t help the lingering notion that this was meant to be. That my mom just might be right. I draw my eyes up from Haddie’s feet to take in her hair pulled back in a clip, cheeks flushed, and eyes red and swollen from crying.

She looks like she’s been to Hell and back, but I’ve never thought her more beautiful than right now.

Her eyes hold mine. So many emotions are in her gaze, but the ones I see and hold on to like a green flag on race day are the hope, the acceptance, the resolve that’s there.

I rise from my chair, not wanting to take my eyes off her for a single second, taking in everything about her, and make my way to her, heart pounding, smile widening.

I hope she feels this—whatever this is between us—because I feel like every single part of me wants to prove to her—right here, right now—how much I love her. How much I’m going to be there for her.

When I get close to her, my feet falter as I notice the story in her eyes—I can see it clear as day now—and I just hope she lets me help write its happily ever after.



Chapter 30

Becks walks toward me, the muscles of his bare torso bunching with each step, a cautious smile on his face, and every part of me knows this is the right decision. That I want him, need him beside me. That he’s good for me.

My bottom lip trembles as he closes the distance, shame taking the lead among my emotions for causing all of this trouble when it didn’t need to be there. I control the urge to step toward him; I want to let him make the first move, see if now that he knows what an absolute mess I am, he still wants me.

But once he gets within a few feet, he stops, and I can see him try to pull back to allow me to set the pace. His eyes reflect relief, hope, love … but I can also see him try to guard his emotions, hold them in. We stand here, and I tell myself that I did this to us so it’s his first step to make, but after a few moments with everything I want so damn close, my resolve flies out the window.

Within seconds I’m in his arms, and I’m not sure which one of us made the move, and I really don’t care because it feels so damn good. “I’m so sorry,” falls from my mouth over and over again as he squeezes me so tight, I can’t breathe except to repeat my apologies.

He just keeps repeating for me to “Shh, baby” over and over until he pulls back and frames my face with his hands and presses a kiss to my lips in between our repeated phrases. Tears are coursing down my cheeks, and I don’t care because all I care about is his mouth on mine, his arms around me, my name on his lips.